I stumbled innocently (read: lazily) across this post on Reddit, promoting a new indie game, Pid, and was immediately taken aback. Take a look for yourself:

A stylish platformer whose trailer seemingly mocks that pretentious shit Limbo, and does so with style and grace? Well, slap my ass and call me Janice! Add to that what looks like a genuinely unique game with Portal 2-esque co-op puzzle solving mode (I’m speculating wildly, piss off), and I reckon we’ve got a winner, folks!

Obviously, we’re going to have to see what they let slip of the actual game, but I’ll be goddamned if they didn’t charm me within about 13 seconds of taking my pants off, and they didn’t even buy me dinner. Well done, Might and Delight. Well done.

Brian (from Nitrobeard.com) and I got into Saint’s Row: The Third‘s Co-op last night for some manic good times involving crashing planes into each other, base jumping, stealing cars, throwing people at said cars, and generally stirring up a good ol’ fashioned pot o’ trouble. We managed to complete one mission, but the real fun was causing havoc and the occasional side-quest. Despite insane amounts of lag and weirdly glitchy pop-in, we had an immensely good (albeit immensely violent) time.

So, to illustrate to you why you should immediately run out and buy the living shit out of this game, let’s take a little trip down short-term memory lane and run through some of the screenshots I took from my magical evening with Brian and Saint’s Row: The Third.

This is obviously the straightest thing that two men can do with an evening.

Brian celebrates the explosion that led to this... with AIR GUITAR.

Surprisingly, this worked out well, despite losing a wing.

Two gents, out for an evening of smart, sophisticated fun. Namely, shooting strangers.

We never did clear that jump... but crashing repeatedly was fun.

To serve and protect... or something. It was self-serve, mostly.

Like Teen Wolf before him, Brian deftly defies conventions.

Because he's the hero Saint's Row deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dong Knight.

Why are you still reading this? Go play Saint’s Row!

While being busy not writing anything for this site, Skyrim Day kind of snuck up on us. We were going to do a series of hard hitting articles leading up to the release of Skyrim entitled “Skyrim or Skyrim-job?”, but laziness kicked in, one thing led to another, and we decided to scrap the whole idea in favor of taking a nap. Besides, every game site on the Internet had jumped on the hype train and thoroughly covered Skyrim before release. Also, we had no access to the game before today. In hindsight, that may have impacted our decision more than being incredibly lazy.

Well, the game is out now, and after some time with it I can confidently declare: not bad! As of right now I’ve completed about 1/1,000,000,000th of what the game has to offer, but it’s already differentiated itself by letting me create a black character that isn’t inherently evil in a fantasy game. Thankfully, its character creator also let me take that black character and effortlessly turn him into a white man. I figure dragons are already trying to kill me, so I’ve got enough problems.

Though, on the whole, the game presents a surprisingly progressive world where a creepy lizard man can bang a cat lady and no one cares. Still, it’s pretty gross if you think about it. Luckily, it’s easy not to think about that in a world where there’s so much to do and so many things to stab with a sword.

Not long ago, before Lord of the Rings became a part of popular culture and HBO had a hit fantasy show, it would have been pretty embarrassing to be excited about Skyrim in public. The world has changed and the fat, sweaty, chocolate-engorged nerds of yesterday are the fat, sweaty, chocolate-engorged trendsetters of today. Now, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk about dragons and stabbing an orc with a sword without having to speak in hushed tones. Skyrim tests the limits of this newfound nerd freedom and things seem fine right up until someone says the word “Dragonborn” out loud. Then, a thick layer of shame inevitably covers everyone involved. It’s unavoidable. Dragonborn is the nerdiest, nerd shit anyone has ever thought up. So, I guess on top of all of their other accomplishments Bethesda can add that to the list.

Misogyny aside, I enjoyed Batman: Arkham City. It really captures what it’s like to step into the shoes of the Caped Crusader. By shoes, I mean thug-tromping boots, maniac-strangling gloves, and whimper-inducing cowl. There’s something amazingly satisfying about jumping into a group of jerks and beating them until they need colostomy bags.

One time, I hit a guy so hard he got stuck in a wall.

Can Batman hit a thug so hard that he can't remove him from the wall he hit him into? Yes.

Being Batman is awesome.

Can you smell that? The excitement. In the air. It hangs over this announcement as a fine musk. As sort of a sultry fog that reminds me of the bathrooms in junior high or the aroma of a paper mill that wafts over the area, making everything smell like rotten eggs and farts.

Sure, your brain gets excited because your nose is receiving new information, but the fact remains that it still fucking stinks, which is exactly what Hulu does.

The good news is that you may be able to watch some new things on your Wii and/or 3DS soon. The bad news is that, unless huge changes have been made, Hulu Plus is still a bag of trash.

[Source: Techcrunch]

David and I played the new Portal 2 DLC last night. Needless to say, we solved some puzzles, had some laughs, and murdered each other for science. All in all, it was good, clean fun.

Unbeknown to us and our innocent minds, Portal has a dark side, outside of all the times GLaDOS implies she would be pretty much fine if you were dead or when I tried to put a portal under David’s feet in such a way that he fell directly into a pit of insta-death acid. It seems that the junior detectives of the Internet have figured out that Portal 2 originally had a rape scene involving Cave Johnson and Caroline that was later cut from the game. Why would Valve cut a rape scene from in between all of the jokes not about rape? Portal 2 writer Erik Wolpaw has an answer.

“There’s some piece of dialogue in there where Carolyn is saying ‘No, no, no, I don’t want this. I don’t want this,’” Wolpaw said. “And there’s some kind of story on the Internet that apparently people think has been verified that there was a scene where Cave Johnson was raping Carolyn, and that J.K. Simmons wouldn’t read the dialogue, so that’s why we don’t have it [in the game]. Apparently these are people who never saw [prison drama] Oz. J.K. Simmons will do anything if you pay him.

To verify Erik Wolpaw’s statements, we called J.K. Simmons’ agent to find out if he would take a steaming dump in the mouth of whoever came up with the Portal 2 rape rumor. The only questions his agent asked us? How much would we pay and would there be a craft service table.

[Source: GameSpot]

Not content to just sell boxed games and magazine subscriptions anymore, GameStop continue to extend their reach farther and farther. Over the last several years, game retail has been shrinking and it’s no surprise. The grind of walking into a GameStop and surviving the interrogation of the GameStop Homicide Detective/Assistant Manager in order to earn the right to hand them money is obsolete when the only question Amazon asks is how fast do I want my game disc shot from a canon directly into my console’s disc drive. Steam just asks if it’s cool to upload pure enjoyment straight to the pleasure center of my brain. A neckbearded, high schooler in a red polo can’t compete with that.

Recently, GameStop has been using its mountains of money to buy their way into every game distribution frontier imaginable. They acquired a game streaming service and an online PC game retailer not too long ago. In the last few weeks, they’ve made a strong push into mobile gaming, by accepting all iOS devices as trade-ins, as well as preparing to sell a GameStop-approved android tablet. To avoid becoming completely marginalized and irrelevant like Blockbuster, GameStop is willing to conquer all possible avenues of the future, not by being good at anything, but just by throwing a lot of money around.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that’s wrong – in fact, I’m saying that’s great – especially if they want to throw a lot of money at this very site. We’ll say pretty much anything if it’s corporate sponsored, including out-and-out lies, like “GameStop is great”.

With GameStop throwing around all this money, it’s nice to know that when future games are beamed directly into our freaking heads, GameStop will probably be right there at the forefront, beaming some jackass into my skull to ask me about pre-orders. I’ll tell that future magic person in my head the same thing I tell the GameStop Sheriff Deputy/Sales Clerk and the magic people currently in my head: “If you say one more thing, I’m probably going to light someone on fire. With my mind.”

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Netflix has decided to launch their DVD service as a brand-new company called Qwikster. This has caused quite a stir, much like Netflix’s price hike earlier this year, and idiots people are angrily, and incoherently sputtering all across the internet, “What is wrong with you jerk-offs!?” Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as Netflix being greedy or their CEO, Reed Hastings, suddenly going verifiably insane.

Netflix is under tremendous pressure because studios want more money to license the movies and shows that people love so very much. As it turns out, when a product is in demand, and being the middle man is your primary business model, whoever is supplying that product has you bent bare-assed over his giant, pinstriped knee. Netflix doesn’t create any content, so it means studios can hold out for higher rates, while Netflix is left begging like a snot-nosed infant howling for candy and a diaper change.

In fact, that’s almost exactly what happened when Netflix and Starz couldn’t come to a rate agreement not long after Netflix hiked subscription rates. What people don’t seem to understand is that the mailing subscription business is slowing harder than the streaming service:

Netflix said it now expects 800,000 fewer DVD-only subscribers. It expects 200,000 fewer streaming-only members than it previously forecast.

This is partly the result of the price hike, but it’s likely also customers bailing on DVDs altogether. I see the Qwikster split as Netflix protecting their necks. So what is Qwikster providing that Netflix didn’t?

Video game rentals.

Suddenly, I have a reason to be interested in receiving things by mail again. As far as I know, only Blockbuster and Gamefly do video game rentals by mail, so this is Netflix (Qwikster) setting foot in a market they didn’t have before. And if Netflix’s history with Blockbuster is any indication, Blockbuster can look forward to getting spanked harder than a studio exec at his weekly dominatrix session. The other thing is that Gamefly only does video games, so if Qwikster winds up having a decent selection and a lower price point, Gamefly might have some competition. Plus, if I can order games or movies, I have every reason hit up Qwikster for that.

Ill will aside, Netflix has always been great for me, so rather than immediately blow up and rant and rave and piss and moan, I think I’ll reserve some cautious optimism and hope for the best. So far, the biggest downside I see to the whole thing is not being able to easily add movies from your instant queue to DVD, but honestly, if they don’t figure out a way to easily do that, maybe they really have lost their minds.

Even then, physical media is on the decline, so think about what’s actually going on before you break your head off in your own, angered ass. This might actually make sense for Netflix as a service and as a company as a whole. If not, you’re probably welcome to take your business elsewhere. Seriously, Reed Hastings told me that. He also said he was sorry and he’d do anything to keep you, baby… please don’t go.

I’ve played a lot of Zelda games. I’ve even enjoyed some of them. That said, I’m not sure what sort of mouth-breathing psychopath wants to play the tried and true, run into the ground formula of Zelda for 50 to 100 hours. Apparently, that’s how many hours of the Zelda formula you can expect from Skyward Sword. I’m sure that’s a huge selling point to someone who is not an adult. Well, I’m an adult and I’ve got things I have to do, Nintendo, like feed my addiction to nicotine patches and Nicorette gum.

I’ve never smoked cigarettes, but the idea of being addicted to something piqued my interest after hearing so many reports that videogames can cause drug-like addictions. I’ve played videogames for years, but suddenly I felt like I was missing out on something. Despite how many videogames I’ve played I’ve never felt the tug of the digital heroin on my soul. I needed something to fill the space in my heart where all the addiction is supposed to go.

I considered picking up smoking, but having to leave my chair – possibly several times an hour – made that a hard sell. So, I decided to forget the part where I had to stand outside in the cold, puffing on some burning paper, and went right to the addictive part. I bought a bunch of nicotine patches and Nicorette gum from the local CVS in the hopes of finding out which would be more effective in getting me hooked. Good news! They both work great. To put that in context, I’d punch a child right now for taking any of these fine products away from me.

So, Nintendo, if you think you can compete with crippling addiction, good luck. I’m an adult now. Playing as a pointy-eared man in a dress for a hundred hours isn’t doing it for me.

[Source: Joystiq]

Tomorrow night, Asif and I will be starting a new Minecraft Let’s Play map, Professor Grizwald and the Redstone Keys! If that raw amount of unbridled adventure wasn’t enough to slake your thirst we’ve got a very special guest joining us: none other than Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.

Sweet Jesus! Your loins are probably pulsing with adventure.

But wait, there’s more…

We’ll be jackassing it up live starting Tomorrow, Wednesday September 7th at 8:30pm EST, on Twitch.tv.

Worry not, we’ll be continuing our other map soon enough, and as yet another manly bonus to all of this amazing adventure, we’ll be introducing longer episodes. Double the adventure, double the Minecraft, double the crude, boner-related humor.

See you tomorrow, folks!

The menu screen of the Space Marine demo shows a space marine shooting and maiming orcs in a seamless loop. This is a pretty good description of the actual game. It’s an ultra-violence feedback loop – moments of calm, punctuated with an intense battle with dozens of enemies, where ripping off an orc’s face in the most disturbing way possible is not only encouraged but rewarded. Then it starts again from the top. Sure, orcs are living creatures with families and mortgages, but they also spew blood in firework-like displays of gore. The second factor is more important if you’re in a brigade of all-white space marines fighting the green-skinned menace. They’re taking our jobs or something. I don’t know. I didn’t follow the plot at all, but these orcs probably deserve it, as usual.

I’ve had a pretty rigid stance against orcs in games, mostly because every goddamn game has orcs in it. It turns out that my problem had less to do with orcs and more to do with being tired of hitting orcs with swords, unless that sword is also a chainsaw. That’s one of your weapons in Space Marine: a chainsaw sword. As far as violence against orcs goes, this is some disturbing violence I can get behind. Between that and filling their horrible heads full of bullets, then watching the arterial spray cover my space marine’s comically large body armor, I can’t remember why I hated orcs in the first place. I mean, I remember, but it’s hard to continue hating an orc once you’ve separated his torso from his legs, as well as the torsos of his four drinking buddies, with a single swipe of a chainsaw sword. I guess it’s a love-hate relationship.

The abundant violence is satisfying because it’s ridiculous, each stroke of your chainsaw sword rewarded with a joyous celebration of explosive gore. Each kill also fills up your “fury” meter. Rather than fill up a rage meter by taking damage, Space Marine rewards you for not sucking. The subtext here seems to be that killing orcs makes you angrier, until you get so angry you want to kill orcs even harder. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but if it means killing more orcs, I guess I’m cool with it.

The full game is out today. I’m not sure if the ultra-violence feedback loop will hold up over the course of several hours, but for twenty-five minutes it holds up great. The demo is absolutely worth the non-purchase. I recommend it if you like orcs or hate orcs. The game builds bridges between both groups through incredible violence. It’s the kind of peace-making any dictator can get behind.

The undisputed king of douche, Ben Affleck, is angling to star, direct, and produce a video game movie, apparently all from a first-person-shooter perspective. If you’ll remember the incredibly atrocious FPS sequence from Doom, this sounds like a groin-punchingly bad idea.

I’m not saying that a movie from a first person view couldn’t work. Look at Cloverfield, for instance. The movie was effectively first person, but it also came with sometimes nauseating results. This didn’t bother me, I loved the roller coaster effect that it had, but when you’ve got audiences barfing all over each other ala The Goonies, maybe it’s time to reconsider the formula. Unless you’re into turning a movie theater into a weird snuff film.

But hey, maybe Affleck can pull it off. Both Gone Baby Gone and The Town were good, so it’s not like the guy can’t direct. He can sure as hell direct a lot better than he acts. Man, he was bad in Pearl Harbor. Seriously, even he knew how bad he was, look:

Ben Affleck, hoping the john is somewhere nearby.

It’s simple folks, movies are different from video games. When you try to cram too much movie into a game, you wind up with Metal Gear Solid 4. When you try to stuff too much game into a movie, you end up with a vomit-inducing shit fest that no one wants to watch. Basically, just imagine how much my girlfriend hates watching me play Team Fortress 2. Right, then double it. That’s how much we want to watch a FPS movie.

I’d probably go out of my way to tell Ben Affleck, but he probably wouldn’t listen. Besides, he’s way too busy pouting and flexing.

He's so sad, but he still really wants you to scope out his abs.

[Source: MSNBC]

We were over. Done.

Now you go and announce the release date of Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword. A game, it’s worth mentioning, that I actually want to play.

Great. I’ll have to dust off the ol’ Wii and pony up $60 bucks for one last go around with the girl. The only reason I’m pissed is because it’s going to remind me of everything that the Wii was promised to be, and now you’ve decided to drop a massive deuce of Zelda greatness right before you get off the pot. From the sounds of it, this game will be everything I’ve dreamed of in a Wii release, minus realistic breast interaction.

Seriously, look at this shit:

It’s exciting in the same ways it’s frustrating. Where has this game been? Since I got it, the Wii hasn’t been much more than a sad, silly-looking paperweight, bereft of function; a monument to a seemingly clever gimmick that didn’t deliver. Well, that and an excuse for an amazing number of lame pee jokes.

Whatever the case, Nintendo, shut up and take my money—for the last time. Just as the Wii U catches up to the other current gen systems, I’ll be looking forward to the new Xbox 720 or 1080 or whatever, and preparing to enjoy games so advanced, they’ll be closer to some kind of bizarre fugue state than games. At least where Suda 51 games are concerned.

Enjoy your swan song, Wii. Looks like Skyward Sword will be just that.

[Source: MTV.com]

Team Bondi isn’t doing so well. It only recently released LA Noire, an industry-leading simulation of yelling at a husband after he just found out his wife has been brutally murdered, then repeating that process over and over again as part of a groundbreaking psychological experiment to answer a simple question: Do players enjoy making other people feel terrible? Now, the studio is going bankrupt. It must have come as quite a shock to the team’s top brass that the market for emotional abuse isn’t infinite. In fact, it’s restricted to about four million people who buy videogames and, as confirmed by every episode of COPS, people who live in trailer parks. Four million might be enough if you create a device that converts emotional abuse into an alternative energy source, but it’s not if you produce one of the highest budget games of all-time.

Brendan “Massive Human Boner” McNamara, leader of Team Bondi, devourer of souls, has started the process of moving whatever’s left of his gang of wage slaves over to KMM Studios. KMM is run by George Miller, maker of films about dancing penguins and, before that, the thankfully bereft of dancing, Mad Max. The great part about all of this is that George Miller wants to bring McNamara aboard for the explicit purpose of running employees into the ground to meet incredible deadlines, a skill that McNamara has mastered between his daily routine of head shaving and lard sandwich eating. The ability to grind people down into some sort of productivity paste must be a really useful in this tough economy. I imagine this collaboration will play out with George Miller sitting atop Brendan McNamara’s shoulders, directing McNamara’s path of intimidation and human destruction, so we can enjoy the kind of movie about dancing penguins that only human misery can produce. Also, McNamara will be the biggest dick George Miller has ever had between his legs.

An artist's interpretation of McNamara's and Miller's working relationship.

[Source: VG247]

In his column for Patch.com, We’ve Got Game, Jeff Luger illustrates just how cheap our beloved video gaming hobby truly is. Quick! Look at these numbers that Jeff Luger typed with his hands and fingers!

Let’s look at a few examples:

• My own playtime for the original inFamous is around 25 hours (a fairly typical playtime). That comes out to around $2.75/hour at the $60 full price.
• On Fallout 3 I logged in about 100 hours, including all the DLC packs. Since the combined cost was about $100, I paid about $1 per hour of fun. RPGs often provide triple digit hours of gameplay.
• Online-enabled titles are where the ratio of price to gameplay truly shines. My Xbox Live friend A BRONX BRAWLER has almost 36 days of time logged into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Do the math—it’s 864 hours. For every hour of fun, he’s paid less than 7¢. Where’s a better deal to be had than that?

Dude! It’s like they’re practically giving the games away, but wait, there’s more!

Do you smoke a pack a day? At $7.50/pack, giving up the habit would cover the above initial start-up costs in 110 days and after that easily allow for two new full-price game purchases per month and leave you about enough money for a tank of gas.

Do you need that $4 latte every morning? You could get regular coffee and save enough each month for one new game (and reduce your fat intake to boot!).

In the spirit of ensuring your continued video game addiction, I’d like to point out some other things that cost way more than video games.

• Eating
• Owning a cat
• Dating
• Owning a dog
• American Health Care
• Heroin
• Owning a child
• Spending time with the stupid child you own
• Fighting cancer

Look, the reason people spend money on things is because they find value in the return they get for them. Say, the caffeine boost they get from their morning latte, or the full-body orgasm they get from shooting up with their awesome heroin. In the case we’re talking about, people play video games because it’s a damn fine time.

But really, who’s holding out on buying an Xbox because they’re afraid to drop $300, or that they think the hobby is too expensive overall? If anything, it’s that they simply don’t want to play video games (because they’re boring), or they can’t afford to drop the money (because they’re poor).

The point that Jeff Luger is trying to make is that you should buy video games. I agree, they’re totally fun. The point that I’m trying to make is that Jeff Luger is stupid.

[Source: Patch.com]

There have been several reports recently about game developers being overworked and underpaid. The only thing I have to say is if the games that come out of this oppressive, soul-crushing system are excellent, something must be right. Needless to say, you won’t see me complaining. Just as an oppressive factory system produces my shoes, I don’t go raising my hands in protest if those shoes – cobbled together by children too uneducated to get any other job – are comfortable.

If I were in the crappy shoes of a young game developer looking to fulfill their dream of developing AAA games, I’d probably be terrified to work in the horrific conditions at many studios. Luckily, I’m an actual, tax-paying adult. I don’t have time to feel bad for the plight of poor game developers. I’m too busy paying my own bills, being a working man down in the trenches. When I’m not mining coal (in Minecraft) or committing senseless acts of violence (in every game), I’m sitting in a chair browsing the Internet to avoid being productive.

The reality is, aspiring game developers, it could be so much worse. Take for example Tarn, the programmer behind the world’s foremost simulator of dwarf life, sex and death, Dwarf Fortress. Sure, he’s achieved an incredible level of detail in simulating the complete fantasy world of Dwarf Fortress entirely in ascii text, but what about having an intimate relationship with something other than a well-worn hole in a couch cushion? In the New York Times, Tarn lays down the reality gauntlet.

“If I were in the supermarket one day and someone came on really strong and it was a mutual thing, I’d probably get pushed along, but it’s not something I’m anticipating,” he said. His interest has dwindled. “It’s easier not to care about that stuff when you’re in your 30s.”

I don’t even know what to say to that. If there were something I could express to make being a game developer less appealing I’d be saying it right now, but Tarn made the best argument against not only making games, but probably against playing them. If you’re a game developer you should be pretty excited to work in your game development dungeon. At least there you might have a chance of talking to one of your cellmates. That’s one step closer to getting laid than Tarn.

[Source: NY Times]

SlashGear is rather bluntly asking a question that’s been rattling around in my head for a few weeks now: Is Nintendo the next Sega?

We all remember the tragic demise of Sega after the much-loved (by TM, anyhow) but much-failed Dreamcast, which led Sega to head into the software-only game. While this line of thinking is extraordinarily speculative, it’s interesting to point out that Nintendo isn’t exactly in the best shape these days. The 3DS just got a price cut mere months after its release, and if you bought (or buy) before August 12th, you’ll be getting 20 free games. It’s like saying, “We noticed you don’t like our shitty system. Here, have it for cheap, and if we already suckered you in, here’s some free shit!” Not exactly inspiring confidence here, Nintendo.

Sure, Nintendo is in much better shape than Sega was back in the day, but if the Wii U is a flop, then what? And really, what does the Wii U have that’s going to be hooking people like the original Wii did? It’s certainly not going to be the underwhelming touchscreen. It doesn’t support multitouch, which seems like a bit of a deal breaker, and if you like the taste of that bitter poison, I’ve got some more! Wii U will only support one touchscreen at a time, meaning that Player 2 will be left flaccidly wobbling his standard Wiimote around.

I’m not saying that Nintendo diehards aren’t going to queue up for for the system, but if the sales are anywhere near as lackluster as the 3DS, Samus, Mario and the rest are going to be joining his good buddy Sonic in the hardware old folk’s home. Still, it’s not all bad. I bet Samus still looks plenty hot in a skin-tight diaper.

[Source: SlashGear]

Just when I had hoped the war against shallow, repetitive gameplay was being won, Blizzard ruins everything. Not satisfied with their already steely grip on the MMO industry, they’ve made World of Warcraft free to play until you hit level 20.

What does this mean for those of us who have not yet been enslaved by Blizzard’s masterpiece of psychological conditioning? Now that your first twenty hits of WoW are free, even more will fall victim to this terrible addiction. Perhaps there will be anti-Warcraft public service announcements. Clinics may be opened to treat the worst sufferers. Dark times may be ahead for the 15-25 demographic.

On the other hand, if you’re interested in trading WoW gametime for handjobs, good times are ahead.

[Source: PC Magazine]

If we did an annual top 10 games list, as mandated by the heavy-set sweat-bags in Sailor Moon teeshirts that invented games journalism, Bulletstorm would probably be in our 2011 list. (There won’t be a list because Sean would try to slip in his favorite Japanese school girl simulator, as well as slip himself into a Japanese school girl outfit. Though, he won’t slip himself into a Japanese school girl; he’s not a pedophile, as far as we know. -ed) Sure, Bulletstorm had some problems, but they would likely be fixed in a sequel. Hopefully, People Can Fly can figure out that it’s idiotic to award skill points for crossing conveniently placed monkey bars or looking up at a ship flying overhead, because those are things a young child could do, proving conclusively that they require no skill at all.

Unfortunately, there won’t be a sequel. Bulletstorm didn’t make any money. It’s baffling how that’s possible. Even with it’s completely silly and idiotic marketing campaign, we thought word would eventually spread that the game is not completely retarded. I mean, it’s pretty retarded, but only in the best way, like the sweet kid who does such a good job bagging my groceries. You’re doing a good job, kid. Your dream of one day being an astronaut is definitely going to happen!

However, the collective Internet-commenting brain trust is too busy thumbing their nose at Bulletstorm, by putting their thumb so far up their nose that they’ve pierced the part of their brain that knows what the hell it’s talking about, to actually play Bulletstorm. Many of them seem to think that the game’s lack of maturity is what doomed Bulletstorm. What I’m arguing is that its “lack of maturity” (i.e. making a lot of ridiculous dick jokes), is one of the game’s strongest features. How could it be a positive feature, when we here at TM have lambasted the perennially immature Duke Nukem Forever for not only existing, but also making us feel sort of bad for being human, since humanity’s existence set into motion the events that led to its creation?

There isn’t a real quantifiable argument I can put forth other than to say that Bulletstorm is the right kind of stupid. It’s a smart parody of the genuine idiocy contained in every game starring space marines. Maybe if it was making fun of Tolstoy the dick jokes would be out of place, but when you’re poking fun at the tropes in Gears of War, how can you not have dick jokes? I’m looking at the numbers, doing some calculations, and everything is adding up perfectly.

For all of you sophisticated gamers out there, specifically the ones that said they’re actually glad that Bulletstorm failed, presumably while adjusting your monocle or having your butler adjust your monocle after having rubbed you down with Crisco or whatever else you lunatics do as you lie naked together, I’d like you to do me a favor: When you’re dying of a terminal disease, most likely from having your head so swollen full of sophistication that you’re carrying your own cranium around with a wheelbarrow to prevent your neck from snapping in two, give me a call. I’ll be more than happy to let you know that you are definitely failing at continuing to live. Also, your failure fills me with the kind of satisfaction usually reserved for shooting a man in the crotch and getting points for it.

[Source: RPS]

In an effort to stuff out any hope I had for this story concluding in anything close to an efficient way (too late), Ubisoft has revealed that our hero Ezio of Assassin’s Creed II and Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, will be shown struggling with old age in an animated short, Assassin’s Creed: Embers. I can only assume this will mostly be about his swollen prostate, a tragic dependence on male fertility drugs, and the struggles of changing your own adult diapers.

In all honesty, I just want Assassin’s Creed to come to a graceful end. I never finished the first one because it was a frustratingly boring pile of shit. I’m amazed I even picked up the second one, but after many an assurance that it didn’t suck, the franchise won me over. The last two games ended in cliff hangers, and the whole thing is threatening to lose me once again because they don’t know how to end a fucking story.

So seriously, Ubisoft. Let’s wrap up the Desmond saga this time around and move onto other things. Ancient Japan, anyone? Maybe some futuristic assassins? Or just some closure, please? Please?

[Source: Kotaku]

The parts of my brain still capable of rational thought just shut off every time I see gameplay footage from Battlefield 3. I should be annoyed by the focus on scripted events instead of robust, dynamic gameplay. I should point out that the length of the single-player campaign is probably a lot shorter than anyone will like. And I should be critical of Electronic Art’s attempt to wring extra money out of us all by slicing off 20% of this game and selling it to us as downloadable content.

But then, I watch tanks leaping into and over fresh artillery craters in a beautifully-rendered desert. My eyes glaze over as high-definition cluster bombs detonate overhead and A-10s gracefully strafe hostile rocket artillery. Every explosion looks like it was ripped right out of footage from Operation Desert Storm. Rational critique seeps out of the bottom of my brain and I immediately begin looking for someone’s money to throw at EA. Damn you, fallible human psyche. Damn you to hell.

[Source: Youtube]

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Delta
Difficulty: Hard

Much progress has been made constructing the outer walls of my 3rd Nether base, which I have named The Citadel. Despite the conspicuous absence of the nether’s usual flying tormentors during this phase, construction has not gone smoothly. Attempting to avoid the hassle of hauling large amounts of Cobblestone from my primary base, I managed to get lost in the middle of the woods. Nightfall is quickly descending and the chances of finding my way back are slim.

Phase 3A: I Am Lost in the Middle of the Woods, What the Hell

Night is going to be here very soon, and the my inventory consists of a mostly-used stone pickaxe, four pieces of coal, and several full stacks of cobblestone. Ten minutes ago, I was the lord and master of massive fortresses built within hell itself. Now I’m reduced to cowering like a medieval peasant because the sun’s going down. Time to man the hell up.

I leap heroically from the tree upon which I had been perched, racing the light west toward a clearing with a small hill I could use for shelter. I see a flock of sheep nearby between the trees. Sheep mean wool for a bed, and a bed means I can bypass the night entirely! I rapidly alter my course, executing advanced strafing maneuvers gained from hours spent playing first-person shooters. Four well-timed punches liberate the wool from three sheep and uselessly punch a nearby tree. Wool acquired, I alter my course again and arrive at the small mound that would be tonight’s shelter. I need planks, and so the nearest tree is annihilated in a furious display of pugilism.

I can already hear a skeleton in the distance, its bones rattling like the wind chime on Satan’s porch. Time was short! I quickly excavate a shelter large enough for me and a crafting bench and seal myself in it behind a wall of dirt. Now isolated from the hostile mobs outside, I’m free to carve out a spartan but classy living space, including a bed and a few decorative torches.

Confident that I’ve saved myself from my own idiotic love of nature, I settle down for the evening. This is actually one of the first times I’ve ever used a bed – there’s no need to differentiate between day and night when the only source of light is either giant pools of molten rock  or fires started by giant pools of molten rock. Unfortunately for me, I was not destined to sleep soundly this night. As soon as my screen fades to black, I’m immediately confronted by a zombie directly next to the bed. How did this happen? Did zombies, like raptors, gain the ability to open doors? Was this some kind of teleporting super-zombie? I have just enough time to hit it with a pickaxe before it kills me.

I may have lost my supply of cobblestone, but at least my ordeal in the forest was at an end. I’m confident that the loading screen will be replaced by the safety of my spawn point and the safehouse I had constructed around it. My confidence is tragically misplaced.

In the adrenaline-induced hysteria brought upon me by my race through the forest, I forgot that sleeping in a bed changes one’s spawn point to that location. And I am now paying for my lack of judgement. My spawn point had been reset to a primitive shelter in the middle of nowhere – not even death could resolve my current predicament.

Donning my imagined pith helmet, I mark my primitive hovel with a totem of cobblestone and torches and set out in a series of merciless clear-cutting expeditions. If I can’t find the tunnel back to my portal because of this forest, then I’ll teach these overgrown shrubs what happens when they screw with me.

Each day I depart my shelter armed with stone axes and the will to visit destruction upon the virginal woods around me. At sunrise I raid the forest, carving a path of vegetative destruction through the peaceful glades. Then at sunset, I retreat back to my shelter, gravid with harvested wood like some kind of reverse vegetarian vampire. After what seems like a week of furiously hacking at trees, I see it! A single beacon of light in the distance, the warm glow illuminating what could only be my tunnel back to the Nether.

Forget this stupid, cheery forest and all of its lively skeleton-filled greenery. I’m returning to the warm, sulfury embrace of the Nether as soon as the sun rises.

I sure as hell hope so, because it hurts to see so much human potential wasted on Farmville and Cityville. Especially when they could be wasting it on Minecraft instead.

But perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel! According to Business Insider, Zynga (the evil wizards responsible for Farmville and its equally-pointless variants) is losing 5-10% of their playerbase every month. Does this mean that such painfully shallow games are incapable of maintaining players over a long period of time? Hopefully yes, because I’m pretty sure that those crappy Facebook games have been responsible for more lost global productivity than the flu. Frankly, I’d rather deal with the infectious disease.

[Source: Business Insider]

It’s called “World Joyland” and it’s a 600-acre amusement park devoted entirely to videogames. Motivating hardcore gamers to shamble around a 600-acre themepark is an ambitious goal, and to help realize it they have created massive Starcraft and Warcraft sections.

I assumed that in order to create an entire theme park devoted to someone’s intellectual property, you would have to get their permission. It’s kind of the point of having an intellectual property. But not in China, apparently! The two sections in question are named “Universe of Starship” and “Terrain of Magic”, complete with fake Protoss and monsters that look an awful lot like Warcraft’s various mystical denizens.

This kind of thing may work for bootlegged copies of The Matrix: Reloaded, but is Blizzard Entertainment really going to just ignore this? I hope not. Not because I care, but because the resulting lawsuit would be kind of hilarious.

[Source: Shanghaiist.com]

The only palpable fear I have for this release is that they muck up the controls and/or levels and/or everything. I don’t know about you, but much of my beleaguered youth was spent dumping hour after hour into screaming and murdering my friends in the original Goldeneye 007, so this matter sits near to my heart. I’m eager to relive those blood-soaked memories, but I approach it all with some level of trepidation because it’s not going to take much to completely ruin it for me.

Will this be a high-resolution replica of the game I loved? Or an abomination, spewed forth from the corporeal loins of an industry trying to harvest yet another dollar from a once beloved game? Only time will tell.

But when that time comes, friend, I’ll be ready to lay down that old fashioned, Bond-style punishment. Licence to Kill pistols on The Facility,  unless you’re some kind of bitch. Duel DD44 Dostoveis, for the win! Come at me!

[Source: PC World]

The British used to control most of the world. Now, their biggest export is a magical wizard boy, who grows into a magical wizard man, who then waves his magical wizard man meat on a stage, while a crowd of consenting adults look on.

How far could this downward spiral go? Now that the Harry Potter films are over, there’s no telling what kind of depravity we’re in for. But if videogame sales in the UK are any indication, a dark future lies ahead of England. Apparently, Zumba Fitness, the latin and international dance fitness game, has topped the charts for five consecutive weeks. While this news is a huge victory for the people who make money off of the sweaty, chubby masses, it’s another major blow to English hegemony. The British went from trying to rule the world to hoping the amorphous lump in the seat of their pants eventually looks like a human ass.

[Source: VG247]

AMD is telling people that the next XBox will be capable of rendering graphics on par with Avatar. This mysterious console from the future doesn’t actually exist yet! I’m calling bullshit, especially when you follow up with flimsy non-statements like this:

Robison also mentioned that the A.I. and physics capabilities of the next-gen hardware will allow for every pedestrian in a game such as Grand Theft Auto or Saints Row to have a totally individual mentality, meaning when you shoot a gun or run someone over they don’t all just do the same thing.

Furthermore, what neanderthals are responsible for creating the image to accompany The Examiner’s article (which I’ve taken the liberty of stealing and posting above)? Because they should probably be fired. Out of a cannon.

[Source: Examiner]

But that is what a lot of people are reporting about Senate Bill S.798. The bill does increase the penalty for streaming copyrighted material, but that law has never applied to video games, and there’s no indication that it ever will.

YouTube makes a lot of ad revenue from streaming games. If they were worried, their lobbyists would descend upon congress like a plague of money-throwing locusts, and Capital Hill would drown under a flood of irate, idiotic youtube commentors with poorly-spelled signs. It would be like the internet version of a Tea Party rally.

So, let’s all just chill the hell out.

[Source: Bloomberg]

In that picture, L.A. Noire boss Brendan McNamara doesn’t look so bad. He kind of looks like he might be fun to hang out with if your idea of a good time is competitive eating or shaving your head completely once male pattern baldness kicks in. Apparently, looks can be deceiving, except for the parts about hair loss and eating too much. That’s obviously true.

As news leaks out that Rockstar won’t be publishing Team Bondi’s next game, evidence is also mounting that Brendan McNamara might be some sort of awful dick. I take no pleasure in call any man a massive boner, but it sounds like McNamara might deserve it.

An article on gameindustry.biz is full of amazing quotes about the man, the myth, the massive human boner: Brendan McNamara. One source who worked at Team Bondi called McNamara “the angriest man I’ve ever met”. If you’re keeping score at home, please update your Brendan McNamara scorecards to read “massive, raging human boner”.

Another former co-worker called him “a huge bully with no talent, vision or management skill”. Again, update your scorecards to read “massive, talentless, raging human boner”. Thank you.

[Source: vg247]

Read Phase 2 here

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Delta
Difficulty: Hard

The bridge has been completed and the foundation has been laid, and at this point I can begin constructing the framework for the structure itself. Now, I can put a lot of distance between myself and the giant lake of fire that I’ve become well-acquainted with recently. Unfortunately, I will be working against gravity, and gravity is a harsh mistress. I’ve also decided to name this fortress “The Citadel” because that sounds a hell of a lot cooler than “Nether Delta”.

Phase 3: The Tower Walls

After hour upon hour of mining out tunnels, carefully digging around magma, falling in magma, getting knocked into magma, and being covered with magma, I have completed the most magma-centric portion of my grand adventure.

The next task I had to perform is the construction of the tower’s outer walls. I originally wanted to construct a giant replica of Half Life 2′s massive tower made of pure obsidian. Then, in a burst of unusually rational thought, I contemplated the amount of time required to mine several thousand blocks of raw obsidian. My imagination, not content to leave me only partially horrified, spun dark scenarios of Ghasts and magma. I watched myself, desperately clutching a full stack of Obsidian, crying out in rage and dismay as the accursed magma lake (likely in league with the Ghasts) claimed an hour’s effort obsidian mining.

Cobblestone will be fine.

I jumped directly out of my shelter, bow drawn and mind steeled for the assault that usually greeted my emergence onto the Nether’s open caverns. Yet it was not the shrieks of Ghasts opening fire that greeted me, but silence. The Nether seemed utterly devoid of its flying denizens. Instead of heroically fighting demons with a bow and arrow, I was just some jackass posing on a rock in the middle of a lifeless lake of magma.

This was a good omen to me, at first. Much of my time building structures in the wide open spaces of the Nether were spent dodging fireballs or recovering from  instances where I failed to dodge fireballs.  No Ghast airstrikes? I can devote my entire brain to building instead of behaving like a rodent grabbing food from a cat dish.

Carefully making my way around the outside of the cap I build in the lava lake, I placed a cobblestone border in the shape of the tower wall layer by layer, each level completed without interference from my previously omnipresent flying antagonists. The tower’s superstructure began to rise out of the magma lake with pleasantly surprising speed. After hours of placing cobblestone and returning to a nearby supply depot to restock, the external shell of the tower itself was almost two thirds complete.

As the state of the tower’s construction improved, my own mental state began to waver. Having lived in the Nether for so long, the constant sound of Ghasts was soothing ambiance. To me, their alien cooing was like the sound of crickets on a summer night. The quiet – absolute, perfect silence – was filled with my own contemplative thoughts. Why were the Ghasts absent? Had my massive fortresses somehow gentrified this portion of the Nether, forcing the Ghasts to migrate to less expensive areas?  Had the world I spent the last six months inhabiting started to break down, like fruit left in the summer sun? Was my Minecraft installation somehow bugged? If so, am I wrong to so take advantage of their absence? Perhaps the Ghasts are attending some kind of national Ghast convention, or a concert or something. What kind of convention would a bunch of Ghasts attend? Burning Man?

While contemplating exactly how Ghasts would be able to purchase tickets to Burning Man, attend Burning Man, and where they could have heard about Burning Man, I stopped paying proper attention to my surroundings and casually strolled directly off of the scaffold I was constructing. The magma lake claimed another two dozen stacks of cobblestone and the Ghasts had found a way to kill me again, this time without even being present.

Tired and irritated at the thought of having to travel back and forth from Nether Alpha in order to restock, I opened an exploratory portal in the empty shell of The Citadel. I was hoping to use it to quickly replace my supplies of Fuel and Cobblestone instead of spending five minutes sitting in a minecart watching netherrack pass by. I emerged in a large cave system, but at this point I was weary of poorly-lit stone passageways. I immediately carved a small staircase toward the surface, emerging on the hillside of a lush green paradise.

I had spent the last several weeks staring at netherrack, cobblestone, lava, and incoming fireballs. Now, my eyes panned across clear sky and rolling hills for what seemed like the first time. No endless fields of fire, no giant pools of molten rock! No need to dart from crater to crater across a vast no-man’s-land while balls of fire rained down from above! Overcome with the childlike wonder that I felt after seeing my first Minecraft world, I disregarded the last few morsels of my common sense and simply climbed to the tallest hill I could find to survey this new, virginal landscape. A single, manly tear rolled down my cheek as I watched the slowly-setting sun creep toward the horizon.

As I turned around to return to the portal, I realized that I had no idea where the hell I was, and it was about to get dark. As darkness spread across the landscape, I realized that my chances of finding it in the near future were slim at best. It looks like I’m about to go on an unscheduled camping trip.

It’s the Fourth of July and it was incredibly nice of the game industry to keep everyone focused on American independence by releasing nothing interesting this week. So, our hats off to the game developing patriots in North America, Japan, and Europe. Secretly, you all bleed red, white and blue, and it’s not just because we shot at or dropped bombs on you.

Dead Block (7/6/11)

It’s another zombie game. Fortunately, Dead Block at least tries to be different than most. Instead of blowing zombies away with a shotgun, it’s primarily about barricading yourself inside a safe house and setting up a series of entryway traps to kill zombies. But, like raising children, you can still beat the hell out of them if it comes to that.

Of the three characters in the game, one is a cartoon fat white kid. He’s always shown eating something. I’m sure it’s so many of the fat white kids who play videogames have someone to relate to. If the picture above is any indication, the people who made Dead Block have seen the movie Up, but Pixar didn’t think it was necessary to have the fat kid in that constantly stuffing his face. The fact that he was shaped like a fat kid was enough. It didn’t even cross their minds to put him in a “I am fat because I eat too much” t-shirt.

Playstation Move Ape Escape (7/5/11)

It’s the return of Ape Escape, a series centered on hunting down escaped, super smart apes with the aid of time travel and sending them back to animal testing labs to find a cure for cancer or to scientifically determine the color of lipstick that looks sexiest on a chimp. The original games featured third-person ape wrangling action, but this new entry in the series is an on-rails shooter, except the shooting has been replaced with capturing apes in a net. Having seen the trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes I can pretty confidently say that capturing these super smart apes with a net is probably not enough, unless that net is made entirely out of barbed wire and the barbed wire is dipped in lethal poison. We shouldn’t be teaching kids to take any chances with super smart apes, dolphins or squid. Kill them while you’ve still got the advantage, kids. They’re probably smarter than you, so you’ll be the first ones they replace.

Jewel Match (7/5/11)

This game cuts through all pretense and shows from the get-go that it is heavily inspired by, if not whole-heartedly ripped off from, Bejeweled. The name tells you exactly what the main mechanic of the game is: matching jewels. This version of the game is for the DS, but you can find it all over the web. I played the web version to discover that all of the jewels are constantly spinning for the explicit purpose of giving you a headache, while you try to complete the mystical and ancient task of matching three identical things together. In the old days, before electricity and videogames, if someone found you trying to match three things together all the damn time they’d burn you at the stake for being a witch. Now? It’s the sort of mental disease that’s an entire genre. It makes you wonder what other types of socially reprehensible behavior will one day be a game genre. If you predicted pedophilia, you’re too late. Japan already has that covered.

Oh, you think I'm sexy? I don't even know what that means. I'm seven.

But in an event that will forever live in infamy, Sony Online Entertainment gave their entire playerbase an atomic wedgie. The “New Game Enhancements” were designed to make the game more mainstream, in the same way The Jersey Shore is more mainstream than It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Nerds everywhere cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced (because they were out of breath), and the SW:G community slipped into a heartbroken diabetic coma from which it would never awaken.

Six years later, exhausting their last reserves of human compassion, SOE has decided to pull the plug on the vegetative MMO. The shutdown on December 15th probably has a lot to do with the imminent release of Bioware’s Star Wars: The Old Republic. Let’s just hope that Bioware isn’t a fan of wedgies.

[Source: Venturebeat.com]

I’ll be honest, it’s not a strong week for games. In fact, it’s pretty terrible. I don’t even want to make big deal about it, because one of the games is UFC branded. For the uninitiated, UFC stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship. While that may sound like something a bunch of kids made up while having their action figures fight each other, it’s actually an organization full of people who beat the crap out of each other for a living. Frankly, I’m not looking to be on the wrong side of those guys. In fact, I enjoy watching a UFC event from time to time. With that clear, Sean said the UFC is full of bitches.

Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D (6/28/11)

When Resident Evil started it was about slowly moving through a mansion, shooting skinless dogs, then dying a lot because of the terrible controls. Now? The series has moved towards just shooting the hell out of everything and watching the bloody pulp of enemies pile up. The deep sense of foreboding has been replaced with anally violating zombies with a chain gun. I guess that’s cool, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Mercenaries is a game where gunning everything down in mass quantities is the point. Apparently, a bunch of Japanese men sat in a room and decided the best way to extend the Resident Evil franchise was to take all of its unique attributes, toss them out the window, then add more bullets. I enjoy shooting monsters as much as the next guy, but does this game have to be called “Resident Evil”? Actually, the short answer is yes. It has to be because some poor shmucks will buy the hell out of anything with “Resident Evil” in the title. This also justifies the continued existence of the vaguely related Resident Evil movie franchise. The other justification is so Paul W.S. Anderson can continue writing movies to keep his wife employed and fulfill his fantasy of seeing her float naked in a giant jar full of liquid.

UFC Personal Trainer: The Ultimate Fitness System (6/28/11)

Finally, a personal training videogame for people who don’t mind being punched in the face. Instead of being calmly urged on by a woman doing yoga, UFC Personal Trainer features a giant man, who could murder me by ripping my head off with his oven-mit sized hands, yelling a lot in the hopes of unleashing my inner warrior. Unfortunately, that inner warrior is buried under a layer of irrational fear of midget clowns and years of sitting in front of a computer all day.

Sadly, the game uses the Kinect, which I don’t own. But to those of you that do own one, have fun beating the hell out of the air in your living room. A great martial artist would remind us that the greatest enemy is within us, but I’m pretty sure the biggest enemy of people playing this will be making sure enough air gets in their lungs before they pass out and choke on their own vomit.

Sniper: Ghost Warrior (6/28/11)

Somewhere along the line, Tom Clancy became a videogame genre. Sniper: Ghost Warrior sounds exactly like a game with Tom Clancy’s name on the cover, but it’s actually just a game in the Tom Clancy genre of covert/tactical military action. Sniper hopes to attract the coveted “Confusion Sale”, a purchase by a parent who confuses Sniper: Ghost Warrior with the Tom Clancy game their child actually wants to play.

The reviews have been terrible for this PS3 release. In fact, the reviews were terrible for the PC and 360 versions when they came out a year ago. Undeterred by mediocrity and outright sucking, the sequel has been greenlit. Apparently, if you run a game company it’s not necessary to like or even play games. If a game sounds like it should sell millions of copies it probably will. Think about it; the title is made up entirely of things that make games good. First, it has a sniper in it. Snipers have been a staple of games for years. Team Fortress 2, an excellent game, has a sniper in it and people seem to like him, despite being Australian and filled with criminal genes. Second, it has a ghost in it. Honestly, I don’t know a lot of good games based around ghosts, mostly because you can’t shoot a ghost to death. However, Starcraft features a “ghost” unit, which is an incredibly popular game. Just ask the Koreans if you’re not too broken up over the whole Korean War thing. Third, all games need some sort of warrior, whether that be the Ultimate Warrior or a gang called The Warriors.

Somewhere in that equation for surefire success they forgot to make the game any good. I’m sure they’ll have it all figured out by the time the sequel comes out. It only took them a year to bang out a PS3 port, so it’s obviously in good hands.

1. Explosions
2. Two or more relatively competant opposing forces

The tablet market’s development over the past year had neither of those things.

A more accurate metaphor might be a start of a 400 meter dash where one participant is at the starting line and all the others are in the bathroom. Apple’s competitors have responded to the iPad’s resounding success the way one would expect a bunch of surprised, pantsless guys to respond to just about anything: poorly.

What does this mean for the future of tablet computing? Expect Apple to continue to be Apple, and expect everyone else to struggle with their pants for another five years.

[Source: Cnet.com]

Last week, gaming site T3 asked their readers in a poll, which games console they were looking forward to most. Then they wrote an article today (in an effort to grab an easy headline) that PS4 is better than the other gaming consoles. Unless their entire readership is clairvoyant, this doesn’t make any goddamned sense.

Besides, that’s not what you even asked, T3. You asked what your readers were looking forward to, not what they thought was going to be better. Those aren’t the same. Let me do a poll about which site has more moustache-related content, then write an article about the fact that our staff has way huger penises than yours. Sound fair?

But all that aside, can we just do each other a favor and stop speculating wildly? It’s moronic. We’re not even 100% sure what Wii U is supposed to be at this point, so just shut the hell up until we do. I know Sean’s looking forward to the Wii U’s revolutionary butt-controlled interface, but we haven’t even seen the specs for that yet.

And seriously, who’s coming up with this shit?

Whoever you are, we need to have a serious conversation in a dark alley. My friend Mr. Lead Pipe would like to say a few words, too. You’ll like him. He’s French.

[Source: T3.com]

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (6/19/11)

Somewhere, deep in the bowels Nintendo’s fungineering building, there is a creativity machine fueled by pure nostalgia and, when some dumb kid wanders into the machine room on Bring Your Child to Work Day, children. Since childhood is where nostalgia is usually rooted, the machine can’t tell if it’s eating nostalgia or children and will devour either to fuel itself. The machine is not, as some have suggested, a child predator. The machine has no sexual organs. It’s more like a child mass murderer.

This remastered rerelease of Ocarina of Time is an attempt to appease the machine, drawing out waves of nostalgia from people who are old enough to actually be embarrassed by running around as a guy in a green dress. Nintendo redid the graphics and made the whole thing 3D. Otherwise, the game is pretty much the same Ocarina of Time I loved when I was young enough to be devoured by a machine of unknown – probably demonic – origin. I don’t know if this game will sell many new 3DS units, but it’s nice to know that the best game on a new, innovative handheld came out 13 years ago.

Dungeon Siege III (6/21/11)

From the fine developers at Obsidian, makers of crippling bugs wrapped in game mechanics such as Alpha Protocol and Fallout:New Vegas, comes a Dungeon Siege sequel. It looks like they’ve taken out all the sieging and are relying strictly on dungeoneering for this follow up. That’s fine as far as I’m concerned. I have a pretty strict anti-sieging policy in games. I mean, sure, if you enjoy the thrills of standing outside of a castle for a few months, waiting for the people inside to start dying of starvation, then siege away. I’m looking for something a little more exciting in my games. Usually, the idea of hitting an orc/dark elf/giant spider with a sword makes me bitter, but when the alternative is sieging some dungeons, sign me up.

F.3.A.R. (6/21/11)

The FEAR series has a unique take on the horror genre. Traditionally, horror in games relies on leaving the player under-equipped, with little ammo. FEAR, on the other hand, gives you a loaded assault rifle. I feel like if I had an assault rile in my hands, most situations get a lot less scary for me and a lot more scary for everyone else. For example, public speaking. Nothing kills public speaking anxiety like palming an AR-15. Suddenly, it’s the the crowd that’s profusely sweating and lightly wetting themselves.

For the people who don’t feel secure enough with an assault rifle, FEAR also has giant assault mechs. I guess this is a bold move into the brave new market for horror games catering to pansies.

Shadows of the Damned (6/21/11)

This collaboration between Suda51 (No More Heroes) and Shinji Mikami (Resident Evil 4) is pretty exciting, namely because Suda51 is involved. If Suda is making a game you can expect something that no one else would be doing, mostly because publishing big wigs don’t give millions of dollars to crazed lunatics. You can also expect that some of the game’s mechanics are going to be really punk, by which I mean not that good. The point is, though, that Suda’s games are charming as hell, funny, and vulgar, without making everyone at TM feel terrible inside. Take some notes Duke Nukem Forever, you sad old man. And stop dribbling urine on our rug. I don’t care what venereal disease you’ve got. It’s not ok.

The latest expansion of famous spreadsheet simulator EVE Online introduces microtransactions in the form of a futuristic clothing store. Players can now purchase wonderous space-age fashion accessories such as the “t-shirt”, “pants”, and “monocle”. However, it appears that someone forgot the meaning of “micro” when pricing these items. Some accessories cost more money than their real-world counterparts.

Want to buy a gray shirt for your virtual pilot? That’ll be twenty bucks. That monocle I mentioned earlier? It costs over $70. For that much money, I could purchase real monocles. For an entire family. Of spiders.

[Source: Joystiq]

The real question is, “What is this going to cost me?”. With that in mind, it could cost a lot or very little, depending on how you’re looking at it. New Playstations and Xboxes are slated for 2014, so either I’m plunking down a few hundred bucks in 2012, or I’m waiting another two years. And if I’m waiting another two years, how much more powerful will those machines be? They very well may dispense gold whilst doing my taxes, solving the budget crisis, and ending world hunger.

Either way, unless Nintendo really parades out the magic on this one, I’m going to remain skeptical. Optimistic for a fellatio peripheral perhaps, but skeptical.

[Source: Digital Trends]

Update: Sweet, ball-slapping Jesus Christ… According to Venture Beat, the new system will not be significantly more powerful than PS3 or Xbox 360. You know, as much as everyone is eager to know what the hell this new system’s going to be all about, I’m done. No more speculation until we know more. I’m not saying shit until new, very specific shit comes pouring directly from the horse’s ass… er, mouth?

Based on the demo he played, it sounds like he has every reason to be enthused. Realistic zombie survival scenarios with limited firearms and throwable melee weapons? Yes, please. Shut up and take my money, Dead Island.

I’d say more, but after reading his preview, it looks like I’m due for a fresh pair of drawers myself.

[Source: AggroGamer]

Duke Nukem Forever (6/14/11)

If the demo was any indication, welcome to one of the most boring experiences of the year. That’s not what I was expecting, honestly. Sure, I was more than willing to call out Duke Nukem Forever for being terrible even before I’d played any of it, but boring? It’s a game about shooting aliens in the face. What kind of mixed up world are we living in that a tried and true formula (bullets plus aliens equals awesome) can be completely screwed up? I’m really confused right now and a little scared.

David and I, displaying the same some sort of disregard for our free time that Charles Bronson had for human life in Death Wish, have already purchased the game. I mean, I bought the game after playing the demo. Is this a sign of mental illness? It’s like I purposely want to write angry tirades to post on a website. I don’t know if this kind of self destructive behavior has a name yet, but I’d like to propose it be called Stupiditis. It ends with “itis” because it sounds like an actual medical condition. It starts with “stupid” because I’m an idiot.

Alice: Madness Returns (6/14/11)

This is a sequel to American McGee’s Alice, based vaguely on Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland and more specifically on American McGee’s creepy dream journal. The biggest improvement I can see from the onset is that the title isn’t prefaced by “American McGee’s”. This is great because after a decade I’m still not sure who or what an American McGee is. Is this a real person who has something to do with developing mediocre games or is it a lesser known Lewis Carroll character? At the very least, it’s a mark of lowered expectations. So, good for the developers of this game for raising the bar and ditching the American McGee label.

Actually, I’ve just been informed by our fact checking departments, Google and Wikipedia, that American McGee is a human male. He’s running a game development sweatshop in Shanghai to build his games, staffed entirely by prisoners of Qingpu Prison. The prisoners are paid in the only currency worth anything in the Shanghai prison system, WoW gold. This is a great mercy to the prisoners, who are usually paid entirely in brutal sodomy. Now, they can trade their WoW gold for cigarettes and the right to not be brutally sodomized. I don’t know what effect the gratitude of Chinese prisoners has on game development, but look for Shanghainese McGee’s Alice: Madness Returns on a store shelf near you. The guy who designed the menu system may have killed a man, so that should be good.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (6/14/11)

If you’re worried about spoiling the plot of the latest Transformers movie, it’s probably best to wait a few weeks before playing this game. Just kidding. This game has the same plot as most videogames: you must defeat evil because the fate of the world depends on it. Violence ensues. That’s also the plot of the Transformers movie, which might be a pretty good plot for a videogame. People seem willing to watch a movie (a medium entirely dependent on storytelling) with a threadbare plot to the tune of several hundred million dollars. To some this might indicate that games have nothing to worry about with their collectively awful tales of world saving nonsense. But actually, game developers should learn what people in the film industry learned a long time ago: if something in your project sounds like it might be from a Michael Bay film, try harder. Using the Michael Bay Metrics, we could save a lot of pain and suffering for a lot of us playing your awful, awful games.

Wii Play: Motion (6/13/11)

As much flack as Nintendo gets for putting out these mini-game collections, it’s hard to fault them because these things print money. Many people, who prefer to not shoot aliens/robots/thugs in the face repeatedly, love these things. Nintendo has successfully combined the unbelievable, but apparently natural feeling of not wanting to shoot anyone at all, with the body’s desire to move around rather than decay in a chair. Take it from someone who can lift his body weight without it crashing down on his larynx, there’s room for these crappy-crap games. Sean, “T-Rex Arms” for short, doesn’t agree with that assessment. When I asked Sean about Wii Play his reaction was to start wildly waving his underdeveloped, fetus-like arms and yelling a lot of expletives, before collapsing into a sweaty heap to catch his breathe from all the physical exertion. I carefully considered his rhetoric, then responded, “Good point.” So, Nintendo, you’re on notice.

Not that Nintendo doesn’t have any games for their whimsically-named console, but they all fall into two categories:

1. Franchises that have been around most of my lifetime
2. Games already released on other consoles

My disposable income is precious to me. I’m not going to buy a second console to play games that I can already play on my first console. And unless it supports the WiiFellate, I probably won’t be buying Mario Party 9  or Zelda Game #27.

For one brief instant, Nintendo’s PR effort seemed to be firming up with the announcement of a new Super Smash Brothers game. Then it promptly returned to its previous spongy, flaccid state when then they told everyone that they had yet to start developing it. In fact, they told an entire auditorium of  E3 attendees that they probably shouldn’t have told them about it yet.

I’m no expert, Nintendo, but if you’re going to whip it out you had better be prepared to use it.

[Source: Kotaku]

After 12 years, I finally got my hands on Duke Nukem Forever last night, and I think I finally understand why it took them so long:

The testers were waiting for the goddamned thing to load.

It does its very best to recapture the ol’ Duke magic, but at every step of the way, it falls flat on its sunglass-wearing face. Granted, I’ve only played a couple of levels, but so far, they’ve consisted of the following:

• Fighting a weird monster in a football stadium (from the demo).
• Peeing. A lot.
• A stroll around Duke’s mansion.
• Fighting some random aliens.
• A repetitive turret battle against an alien mothership.
• Random power-ups from peeing, poorly scrawling on whiteboards & books, and eating donuts (among other things)
• Peeing.

There’s an awful level involving Duke getting shrunk down and driving an RC car around a casino. Oh, does that sound fun to you? Punch yourself in the dick right now. It’s not fun, it’s obnoxious. I know when I’m having fun, because I’m usually smiling or laughing maniacally.

Overall, it’s just the same thing we talked about on The ‘StacheCast from our play through of the demo last week. Swimmy controls, more focus on hokey interactions than actual gameplay, and gratuitous stupidity. Honestly, guys… I know a lot of people worked very hard on this for a very long time, but how can it be this bad? What did they do for 12 years, jerk off and write dick jokes?

I hit a couple of parts where I killed an alien pig and though, “Ok, that was cool,” but this isn’t anything new. Turns out, when you wait 12 years to put out a game, it feels like it was made 12 years ago. Again, I’m only going on the first few levels, but I can already say, if you’re looking to have fun playing a Duke Nukem game, don’t play Duke Nukem Forever. If you’re looking for a game that hits all the same notes and is 100% more fun, go play Bulletstorm. If you’re still feeling nostalgic, just scream “Hail to the King, baby” every time you jackboot a mutant across a level.

The games featured in Release Notes are listed based on a complex formula that boils down to me just copying and pasting names from GameSpot’s weekly release list. Half the time the games listed don’t even come out that week, because the single GameSpot intern that compiles the list is busy not giving a damn for college credit. Well, this week I’ve tried something different; I’ve listed the games based my personal level of interest, with a little bit of randomness thrown in to keep people guessing. Unfortunately, it ended up being the same order as the GameSpot list. More unfortunately, that puts us one step away from not just stealing from GameSpot but becoming GameSpot. Even more unfortunately, if, like a Franza Kafka story, that transformation happens and we wake up one morning as GameSpot, someone just kill us, then write on our tombstone, “Live Free or Die GameSpot.”

inFamous 2 (6/7/11)

The first inFamous is currently one of the games available on the Playstation Network for free as part of Sony’s, “We’re really sorry about being terrible. Please, don’t hate us!” campaign. I’ve been playing it, so I can tell you with full authority that it’s about a guy named Cole MacGrath, he has electricity-based super powers, and he may not have showered in a while because he lives on a rooftop. In Cole’s universe a rooftop is the master suite of the homeless world.

It’s a serviceable game and hits all of the notes you expect from a climbing-up-buildings, open-world, third-person action game. Plus, you shoot electricity out of your hands, an idea popularized by George Lucas, then retroactively made a lot less cool by George Lucas.

While I enjoy electrocuting deserving thugs and undeserving pedestrians as much as the next compassionless lunatic trained on videogames, I’m not sure why Cole’s powers allow him to jump off of tall buildings and land without a scratch. He can’t take a few assault rifle rounds to the chest without curling up into the fetal position to die in the street, but falling from thirteen stories isn’t a problem. It’s one of those things that’s supposed to make sense only because that’s how these games work. If a guy can shoot electricity out of his extremities, up to and including his electron-engorged junk, then he must be able to do practically anything, except stop a bullet or fly or look like he’s taken a shower recently.

But enough about that the original inFamous. The sequel seems to be more of the same, but better! Is it so much better that you should spend sixty dollars to buy it, rather than download the completely free first game on your PS3? Who knows? I haven’t played the game, but if you end up playing it, send us an email and tell us how you feel about this value proposition. Based on reader feedback I will possibly fork over the money to buy this game. Then I will forget to write a review about it or even mention the game on the website. That sounds like an exciting win-win for everyone who is me.

Red Faction: Armageddon (6/7/11)

How do you follow up an entertaining sandbox game where freely traversing the surface of Mars and destroying everything in sight is the entire point? Apparently, you start the sequel in a series of poorly lit, brown tunnels. Volition, the developers of the Red Faction series, decided to leave behind the open world of Red Faction: Guerilla and, instead, went straight to the linear shooter playbook, tore out a page, then painted that page brown. It’s difficult to tell if the game takes place on Mars or inside a giant Martian monster’s colon.

Needless to say, I enjoyed the free wheeling exploits of the bald guy from Guerilla. The best part of the game was when I wasn’t in a goddamn brown tunnel. I was free to run or drive along the contours of Mars’ surface and jump a giant truck right through some poor, oppressed, working man’s home. It was gratifying to watch the man’s house fall apart piece by piece, then, if I hadn’t accidentally crushed him under my tires or under a mountain of his own home’s debris, get a side-mission from him.

I guess the fine folks at Volition who brought me that unique experience want to try something more inline with industry standards and concentrate on the over-explored shooting part of being a bald man in space. I say more power to them. If they want to spend millions of dollars to compete in the crowded market for third-person, men-in-space shooters, they have every right to do that, just like I have the right to not care and completely ignore this game, which I will be doing starting… now!

Green Lantern: Rise of the Manhunters (6/7/11)

Years of hard living, reading TMZ, and just existing have slowly bled out all empathy from me. If I was still capable of feeling, I’d feel kind of bad for the poor developers who drew the short straw to work on this game. It’s not an enviable position, because the appeal of being Green Lantern is that he can conjure up anything he can imagine. In this game be prepared to conjure up whatever the designers of this game could imagine. Game footage suggests it’ll contain a dizzying array of things to shoot, bludgeon, and stab enemies with, just like every videogame. If you end up playing Rise of the Manhunters and are shocked to find it’s terrible, just use your Green Lanternesque level of imagination to imagine yourself riding a jet ski on a sunny day or hitting Ryan Reynolds in the face with a jet ski on a sunny day.

It’s a light week for videogame releases. According to the massive amounts of online ads I’ve seen, the only major game out is Hunted: The Demon’s Forge. It stars a barbarian and an elf woman killing some orcs, having some laughs, and probably saving the world, all while ignoring the hot inter-species sexual tension. In the shadow of that high level of originality, the rest of the releases are sequels, expansions, and boring. I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. In fact, wake me up when something I really care about comes out. Like Duke Nukem Forever. It’s out in only two weeks, people, then our long national nightmare can finally end. By that I mean it’ll be the end of all the dumb Duke Nukem Forever jokes. “Duke Nukem Forever, more like never!” Go to hell, Internet, and take your stupid banner ads with you. (Please click on our banner ads. -ed)

Hunted: The Demon’s Forge (5/31/11)

This dragon and giant spider killing simulator is published by Bethesda, one of the world’s premiere manufacturers of dragon and giant spider killing simulators. Bethesda has published quite a few externally developed games in the last several years, but despite success developing their own games, they have no idea what the hell they’re doing with the publishing side of things. Their publishing catalogue ranges from mediocre to games so terrible that Uwe Boll wouldn’t direct a movie based on them. To put that into perspective, Uwe Boll found a way to do three Bloodrayne movies. He could squeeze a trilogy out of a dog turd with googly eyes.

This, of course, says nothing about the quality of Hunted. Early reviews point to it being spectacularly mediocre. I guess that’s a win for the Bethesda executive in charge of publishing games that are not out-and-out awful. It must be an exciting day for them and their family. I’m decidedly less excited, but I promise not to hold any of this against Bethesda when Skyrim comes out in November. More importantly, I also promise to make at least one Skyrim job joke in the review.

The Sims 3: Generations (5/31/11)

It’s another Sims expansion pack. This time it’s about enjoying “a whole spectrum of rich life experiences” from the comfortable, rich life experience of sitting in a chair. Your Sims can now get into all kinds of wacky hi-jinks, like dying in a fire, dying locked in a closet that’s slowly filling with water, and dying in a tragic auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Fun for the whole family.

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift II (5/31/11)

The 2D fighting game port is coming to both the PSP and the 3DS. This should be exciting news for all five of you that own either a PSP or 3DS and care about this game. On the bright side, BlazBlue is some of the best 2D fighting action you’ll find. Is it because no one makes 2D fighting games anymore? I have no idea. I’m already bored thinking about the topic, but here’s some exciting news you may not have heard: an anagram for BlazBlue is “Blue Balz”.

Based on a few screenshots I found, it’s clear that the game design process for Missile Fury went something like this:

1. Play classic side-scrolling shooter
2. Write down every weapon in said shooter
3. Replace whatever that weapons fires with missiles
4. “Is it shooting enough missiles? Give it some more missiles to shoot.”
5. Add that weapon to Bangai-O: Missile Fury

Don’t believe me? Prepare to be humbled by your own factual inadequacy.

I made several dedicated attempts to describe exactly what is going on here, but gave up after I ran out of ways to combine the word “missile” with “horsemen of the apocalypse”. I have a feeling the technical writers at Treasure, the game’s Japanese developer, ran into the same issue.

As surprising as its missile-centric worldview is, this $10 XLA game is apparently pretty damn good, with an 81/100 Metacritic score. I’m not usually a big fan of maddening, nonsensical Bullet Hell games but I think I’ll give this one a try. Expect my vocabulary of missile-related terms to increase exponentially.

[Source: Metacritic]

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Base Delta

In my ongoing attempt to construct a third fortress in Minecraft’s Nether Realm, I have completed the subway tunnel into the magma lake directly under the planned structure’s location. So far, I have worked in relative safety by staying away from the open spaces where Ghasts roam. In order to complete Phase 2, however, I will have to expose myself to significantly more danger.

Phase 2: The Foundation

Much like the previous construction work on Nether Delta, this next stage requires large amounts of glass and gravel coupled with a profound lack of common sense. Thankfully, my stocks of glass have been filled and my expectations for success remain entirely unrealistic.

My task consists of building a foundation for my metaphorical Tower of Babel, and to begin I need to build a bridge to the center of the magma lake. Bridge building is not normally a challenge for an engineer of my capabilities, but doing so in the middle of a giant plane of fiery death while being shot at by flying demons adds complications. There is no stealth in Minecraft, so my only option is to build as quickly as possible and dodge all of the fireballs that get thown my way. I ducked out of my rabbit hole at the side of the lake and only saw a few Ghasts, so I hoped that the incoming fire would be relatively light.

I completed approximately 20% of the bridge before I heard the first Ghast open fire. I’ve spent enough time in the Nether to become quite good at evading death at the hands of Ghasts, so this was not a problem. Fireballs were dodged with a grace and speed that would shame any quadriplegic and at least half of all lepers. Ghast #2, however, managed a surprisingly competent dive-bomber impression that I failed to anticipate. I had just enough warning to see the fireball fly directly past my face and annihilate the floor below me. Unmentionable things were shouted, gravity kicked in, and I was treated to an extremely exfoliating lava bath.

After making the long trip back from my spawn point to Nether Delta’s construction site, I leapt directly out of my foxhole and onto the bridge. Perhaps I could intimidate the demons with my extreme and unwarranted confidence. Both Ghasts opened fire simultaneously and because I am an idiot, I tried to impress them to death by leaping directly over one of the fireballs thrown my direction. I actually cleared the fireball perfectly, which gave me just enough time to feel smug before realizing that I had also jumped directly into the hole that caused my last death. The smirk melted off my face as quickly as my face melted off my skull.

My self-worth still reeling from my attempt at showing off to flying, projectile-burping demons, I decided to bring along a bow this time. With a supply of 20 arrows, I triumphantly killed a single Ghast with my stormtrooper-like accuracy after an extended firefight. Clenching my fist in victory over the hell-spawn and with only one source of fireballs to evade, I resumed construction. The bridge was nearly complete when the netherrack once again vanished from beneath me. As I fell to another fiery grave a third Ghast revealed itself, rising directly out of the magma lake like a Russian nuclear sub. They can do that? Apparently yes, they can do that.

At this point, I was very tired of being murdered by the combination of explosive force and molten rock. This time, I armed myself with a full suit of leather armor, two full stacks of arrows, bacon, and enough cobblestone to build myself a Ghast-proof bunker. Running back to Nether Delta, I burst forth from my foxhole in the same way that The Punisher bursts forth from explosions. My reaction time heightened by righteous anger, fireballs were deflected or dodged with ease as I built a durable cobblestone hut from which to unleash my flint-tipped retribution. The combination of cover, armor, and life-giving pig fat turned the tide to my advantage! Several dozen arrows later, the death of my previous incarnations was avenged with a stoic fury that would impress Rambo. With only a lone Ghast remaining (whose fireballs I could safely avoid), I was able to complete the bridge.

It cost a significant amount of time and three violent deaths to build this mighty engineering marvel, but I managed to build it regardless. Now that it had been completed, however, I realized that I could have just built the damn bridge out of cobblestone and the ghasts would have been incapable of blowing it up. I’ll have to keep that in mind for next time.

I’m all for game developers using social media to interact with their fans. Theoretically, it should lead to a feedback loop that lets developers know when they’ve done something good or when they’ve screwed up so badly that they should probably give up the whole game building profession, shun technology, and live off of unhomogenized cow milk for the rest of their unshaven, love-handled life.

However, somewhere between those two possibilities, there is a third option where developers can fix things based on customer feedback and not give up their dream of making mediocre games. Usually that process doesn’t occur until a game is actually out. Well, the Command and Conquer team has taken a radical new approach and implemented a mind-bending Minority Report-style system to ask fans how to fix their game… before it’s been developed. The crazy, drug-abusing, eyeball-stealing Tom Cruise of game development sent out the following tweet:

“Tell us your idea on how to improve future cnc games. Maybe it will be your idea, which changes everything!”

The thought that should enter the mind of any Command and Conquer fan is, “Wait? Don’t I pay for these games so someone else can design them?” Instead, what’s entering some fans’ minds are the words, “Make it more like,” followed by the name of their favorite game in the series. I’m not sure it’s occurred to these people that they can actually load up their favorite game right now, without someone spending millions of dollars on a harebrained scheme to relive their youth.

The tweet and subsequent forum are the equivalent of the developers throwing their hands in the air and crying “Uncle!”. They’ve given up, because someone at EA has mandated that there will be more Command and Conquer and, unfortunately, somewhere between the first C&C game and hiring Jenny McCarthy’s implants to appear in one of the sequels, they ran out of ideas.

Here’s the problem with their plan: these are people on the Internet. This is not your highfalutin game designer roundtable meeting. The only expertise these people bring to the table is how to play Command and Conquer games, not how to fix them. Here’s a better question to ask: what don’t you like about the recent Command and Conquer games? It’s a subtle difference, but the key here is that once problems have been identified the game designers can think of ways to fix those problems, which is their entire job.

I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, other than all I times I’ve already done it, but if you’ve gotten to the point where you’re asking the audience for help, it’s probably time to shut down the Command and Conquer factory, light it on fire, and collect the insurance money. Then, maybe use that money to hire someone who can design a Command and Conquer game.

Alternatively, the existing development team could try making a game they actually want to make. Maybe that’ll inspire them to have some great ideas or, really, any ideas at all.

With all that said, I think the real lesson here is that if anyone is a big enough fan of Command and Conquer to post on the official message board, it’s probably time for them to reevaluate that part of their life. I don’t know if they’ve noticed, but the commander of the Command and Conquer ship might not know where the steering wheel is.

[Source: Rock, Paper, Shotgun]

I’ve made a pretty big deal over the last few weeks about weird and unnecessary capital letters in the names of games. Usually, it’s just a single word in caps for no good reason. Well, congratulations DiRT 3, you’ve broken me. You went above and beyond the call of idiocy on this one, when you decided to capitalize only some of the letters in a word rather than the entire thing. But, you know what? You’ve been doing it for three games, so I guess you get a free pass. Luckily, there are a bunch of other games released this week and all of them follow appropriate rules of capitalization. So, I guess that’s progress.

DiRT 3 (5/24)

I still enjoy driving my car on the road, so the reasons for the steady growth of the off-road racing sub-genre are unclear to me. I don’t know if there are a lot of off-roading enthusiasts, who after a long day of actual off-roading, want to sit on a couch and pretend to off-road. Whatever the case, the reviews have been strong for this powerful story of dirt falling in love with the four most important wheels of its life. It’s basically HBO’s Big Love but with more ads for Monster energy drink.

The one thing about this game that bothers me is that somehow, between all of the off-roading action in DiRT 3, they managed to stick in a zombie mode. I don’t know if there is an edict which proclaims that all games must have some sort of zombie mode now, but I think we all can agree that whoever came up with that edict can off-road themselves right off a cliff.

Kung Fu Panda 2: The Video Game (5/24)

I don’t think the people who came up with Kung Fu Panda have ever seen an actual panda. If they’d seen one in person they’d know that pandas are the most unlikely animal to do pretty much anything, including Kung Fu or things that might make them breathe hard. They’re basically the fat nerd of the animal kingdom. I guess that’s why they made the panda in the movie so tubby, or maybe because he’s played by Jack Black, the famous chubby man.

I don’t know if Jack Black or his partner in crime, Jack Black’s Massive Head, know any Kung Fu, but the animators at Dreamworks have me convinced that if I got into a fight with Jack Black either he or his gargantuan head would hit me so hard with their massive gut, my head might fly off my shoulders.

Dead or Alive: Dimensions (5/24)

Another Dead or Alive sequel, but this time on the 3DS. What does this mean for the famous boob physics of previous games? It probably means you’re going to feel like you’re about to get poked right in your eye. Good luck getting all that boob out of your eye at an emergency eye washing station.

Dungeons and Dragons: Daggerdale (5/24)

If there has to be a fantasy game this week, because there must be a fantasy game every week, it might as well be directly related to D&D. This week’s adventure to fantasyland takes us through the fanciful town of Daggerdale, where a rich history of stabbings guarantee that you will probably be stabbed by a dagger or its bigger brother, the sword. Either way, stabbings for everyone. If you get tired of all the stabbing you can run off for some awkward moments in the neighboring town of Inappropriatetouchingdale.

Duke Nukem: Critical Mass (5/25)

In advance of Duke Nukem Forever, this DS platformer is hitting the streets. I can barely find any information about this game, other than some videos on YouTube that make it look pretty terrible. It hits all the hallmarks of a Duke Nukem game: scantily clad women in need of rescue, those same women pledging their undying allegiance to Duke, followed by them gyrating around in a way that is supposed to be sexy but ends up just making you feel bad for the lack of a strong father figure in their life. The only thing missing in all of this is the heart. I’m guessing the artist responsible for putting in the heart was too busy hiding the huge boner he was sporting while animating the gyrating woman. That happens sometimes.

With all of the hype and interest surrounding Duke Nukem Forever, it would make sense for the developers of Critical Mass to latch on to that momentum and use it to sell more copies. However, it seems like they’re keying in on another hallmark of the Duke Nukem series from the last decade and a half: catastrophic levels of incompetence.

Paws and Claws: Pampered Pets 2 (5/24)

This is one of those pet simulator games in long line of shameful pet simulator games where you can slap around and starve a virtual puppy until it virtual dies. The difference with this game is that the player runs a pet spa with all the amenities of a human spa: acupuncture, massages, exfoliating facial scrubs, and deadly cosmetics testing. I really don’t want to be the one to tell a young child that the reason their beloved chihuahua’s face has swollen to the size of a 15 pound bowling ball and can no longer ingest liquids is because they used too much experimental eye shadow. But I will lie and tell that child that the uncontrollable stream of tears flowing out of the chihuahua’s puffy eyes are tears of joy.

No one has any idea what is planned for this new realm, but as a huge fan I’m  hoping it will contain new ores and creatures in addition to new, exotic ways of getting myself killed. Will there be native peoples on the islands that I can wipe out with the indiscriminate use of air support and napalm? I can only hope.

[Source: Twitter]

The objective of the game is for a player to contort their body to match a human-shaped hole in a wall. Yes, like any videogame, someone could play it with their pants off and, yes, the sexual tension can really ramp up during pant-less cooperative play. But rest assured, players will still look like massive idiots.

[Source: Destructoid]

There are a couple of big releases this week, including LA Noire and The Witcher 2. One major release that I won’t be talking about is Fable III, which is finally coming to the PC. That’s all I really want to say about it, because I’ve had enough of fantasy games. Every week I have to write about a new fantasy game coming out. I’m sick of it, game developers. Put down the 12-sided die and try setting a game somewhere without dragons or orcs or elves. Look out your window. What do you see? Make a game about that. If you see a midget outside and you tell yourself it’s a dwarf, just punch yourself in the face and try again.

LA Noire (5/17/11)

One of the main features that’s been trumpeted about LA Noire is the incredibly realistic faces and the technology that went into creating them. It’s really impressive, even if there end up being brief moments when the characters look like they’re wearing rubber masks instead of unsettling technology-fueled human flesh masks. In the end, though, I’m not sure those brief moments matter.

As long as LA Noire’s facial animations do their job, show me more of the nuance in an actor’s performance, and allow me to tell if someone is lying during questioning, I’ll be fine with it. The people who really need this technology to work are the Internet and texting obsessed youth who don’t know what facial expressions mean anymore. Lack of real human contact can do that to you. It’s true. Ask a hardened criminal in solitary confinement or most teenagers.

There should be required facial expression training before these maladjusted kids try to assimilate into the general population later in life. I think LA Noire could be part of that solution. The last thing anybody wants is one of these teenagers wandering into the world scared and confused, then carving up a total stranger for smiling without using the appropriate emoticon. I’d like to get these dangerous lunatics in check before I run into one on the street.

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings (5/17/11)

The original Witcher, a fantasy RPG, featured “sex cards” that the player would collect each time the main character, Geralt, bedded a new bosomy maiden. The card usually depicted the woman looking on longingly and forgetting to put her top on. It’s not really clear who was giving you these cards, but you’d have to assume it was the woman Geralt had just had his way with. This leads to some tough questions, like why do they have trading cards of themselves and why are they handing them out like Halloween candy?

Despite having perfect names for making cards of partially nude women, collectible card manufacturers Topps and Upper Deck don’t exist in this fantasy world. I think the only reasonable explanation for the cards existing is that there is an underground collectable card economy and the women involved, by which I mean all women, are only paid with copies of their own rookie card. Even in a fantasy world rookie cards must be pretty valuable, as long as you’re willing to deal with a sweaty-palmed mole-man card collector.

I don’t know what improvements they’re making to this vital game mechanic for the sequel, but I’m sure the sweaty-palmed mole-man developer that originally cooked this up has some great ideas.

Pinball FX 2: Marvel Pinball – Fantastic Four (5/17/11)

I wasn’t aware that there was a huge cross-section between the old guys who love imaginary pinball and the old guys who love the Fantastic Four. All I know is that the cross-section of body odor between those guys must be lethal. A huge thanks goes out to the Pinball FX 2 team for making sure that those people stay in their homes and the hell away from me.

DETOUR (5/16/11)

This is the kind of game the indie scene exists to create. It’s a real-time strategy game where the player guides a defenseless delivery truck through a battlefield. That’s really a game that exists. The concept sounds interesting, so let’s see what the developer has to say:

With DETOUR, Sandswept Studios has put a colorful twist on the RTS genre, creating a game that is both simple to learn, and complex to master – like a chess game with bombs!

There are lessons here for all independent studios. First, don’t make any words in your game’s title all-caps. It’s silly, and every time I want to tell someone about your game I have to brave the possibility of looking like a moron who inexplicably writes things in caps. Second, don’t ever include phrases such as “like [blank] with bombs!” or “like [blank] on acid!” in any promotional material under any circumstance. It’s a dumb cliché and it’s not helping sell your game. I’m sure someone thought it was really cute, but here’s something that’s not cute: if some psychopath says you have to describe your game with something that sounds even remotely like either of those phrases or you’ll have to cut off your own hand, just do yourself a favor and cut off your hand.

Hey, indie developers. I want to play a game. It's called 'You've Come This Far. Try Slightly Harder'.

As long as they’ve made a good game, I want the DETOUR team to be successful, but they need to get someone who isn’t the texture artist to write their copy. The game still looks kind of interesting, but come on, guys, let’s get it together. Writing three sentences in a row that make me actually want to play your game is also part of the development process, which I’m sure you poured your hearts into. You can still turn this around, but fire whoever thought it was a good idea to write DETOUR in caps; that guy is useless.

Rob Crossley, of Develop magazine, recently published an article investigating Valve’s development process, trying to pinpoint the reason they’ve been consistently able to produce high quality and successful games. His investigation led him to the bizarre and, frankly, pretty moronic conclusion that their development process is “dangerously approaching socialism”.

I don’t know if Rob Crossley knows what socialism is. Actually, I don’t know if he knows what “dangerously” means, because, as far as I know, Valve just makes videogames. So, even if they were the most socialist entity in the world, their influence would be relegated to the games industry, which is a lot like being the most socialist porn production company: no one cares.

To him a hierarchy-free, highly collaborative environment is socialism. Unorthodox? Sure. Socialist? If the only thing that was necessary to be socialist was to not have a hierarchy and let people manage themselves, then maybe. Now, we just have to forget that socialism is an economic system and we’re all set! On a related note, if you forget that animals other than elephants have four legs, suddenly the Earth is covered with elephants. Insane, I know.

He pushes the socialist angle pretty far in a section entitled “The Valve Manifesto,” which is also the title of the entire article, because communists and socialists love manifestos. He starts by saying:

As Karl Marx might’ve said, developer freedom is the opium of the masses.

I don’t even know where to start with that. Actually, I do: Karl Marx wouldn’t have said that, ever. As Gary Coleman might’ve said, whatchu talkin’ ’bout, jackass?

Developer freedom is championed throughout the article and is in many ways its entire point, but by claiming it’s “the opium of the masses,” hypothetical Marx is pretty clearly disparaging developer freedom. Rob Crossley drilled a hole so deep through common sense that he got all the way to the Moon.

Crossley continues to confound with this next bit:

To accept it works, to admire [Valve's] glorious communal and socialist system, is in part an admission that the rigid studio structure should be reassessed.

Before Crossley was claiming that there was something dangerous about Valve’s alleged socialist system, but now it’s “glorious”? I have a new theory that I’ve just thought up: Rob Crossley is a socialist. He’s a terrible socialist with a poor grasp on the basics, but if you think about it, the numerous insinuations that Valve, a privately owned corporation, is running a socialist system, suddenly make a lot more sense. He throws us off the scent by associating an element of danger to these caaaaraaaa-zzzaaaaay! socialist ideas. He practically recoiled, threw his arms in the air, and told everyone, “I’m just reporting the facts, man.” But it wasn’t long before he gave up, started poorly quoting Marx, and called the whole thing glorious.

Up to this point, this has been a pretty major bash session on Rob Crossley. I’m sure Rob is a really nice person, who is also a socialist monster. If I could say one nice thing about Rob, it’s that he’s really excellent at talking to people at Valve, then writing down what they say. He did a really good job with that. In fact, read the whole article. It’s a fascinating read. Just ignore the parts where he starts analyzing anything. For all his skill at talking to people, then reporting their replies to others, his analyzation skills could use some work. The entire population of China could fit in the distance between where Rob’s critical thinking is now and where it should be. Then they’d have to lift China’s one child per couple limit to fill the rest of the space.

Also, congratulations to Rob Crossley for leading the first manned mission to the Moon in almost 40 years. Good work, pal.

As a fan of post-apocalyptic games, violence, and ruining someone else’s day, I couldn’t help but take a look at Fallen Earth.

Upon character creation, I was given the exciting choice of being either a grotesque man-ape or a standard post-society streetwalker. I eventually decided to on the ape-man route because I will not be trading orifice access for food. He has a beard suitable for a somewhat classier apocalyptic setting, because I am all about class. Plus, the beard perfectly complements the bullseye and radiation symbol tattooed in the center of my forehead.

Neanderthal man-ape created, I am now shat directly into the action. Apparently the Hoover Dam is where all the cool kids hang out, and the first thing I do is wake up in what appears to be a broken holding tank in the middle of some generic chamber of science.

Thankfully, there is a scientist working at a terminal nearby, surely he can assist me in finding the exit. A small instruction window pops up, ordering me to “kill the technician”. He doesn’t even get to be a real scientist before he gets beaten to death by an angry dude with a leather wife-beater. The apocalypse is a cruel mistress.

Having succeeded in my noble mission of beating an unarmed man of science to death with my bare hands, someone on an intercom says that I should go out of the room and look for a weapon. As she is not immediately available to be beaten to death, I have no choice but to listen. I walk out of the only door into a large cafeteria strewn with dead bodies.

At this point I need to find a weapon of some kind. Conveniently, someone left an axe right in this guy’s head for me to use. I am transformed from an angry clone to an angry clone/lumberjack (Spoiler alert: The trees are people).

After running through a few rooms and mercilessly killing guards with a large axe, I eventually inherit my first ranged weapon…a glorified air rifle called a ‘Zip Gun’. Is this really what the guards used to kill everyone in the cafeteria? This gun looks and sounds like it could barely break skin.

Apparently there is a bomb in the facility, and I’m the only one who can deal with this situation. This bomb itself is actually not especially dangerous, but it’s sitting in a room full of poison gas barrels that will kill everyone if breached. Interesting that cloning technology has survived the apocalypse but the advanced knowledge of closing doors has been forever lost in the sands of time.

I had assumed that I would be disarming said bomb, but this is the apocalypse and we don’t do things like that here. Apparently the whole “clone” thing means that if I die I’ll be resurrected with my personality and memories intact, and I’ll be leveraging this unique ability by blowing myself up in order to save the Hoover Dam. No one asks me if I want to save the Hoover Dam or if I’m okay with exploding violently. Clone life is a bitch.

The bomb is strapped to a go-kart, and I need to drive it into a vault before the bomb explodes. Why exactly would they have strapped the bomb to a vehicle? Why did they just leave the keys in the ignition? I tried usurping my dam-saving fate by shooting, chopping, and punching the bomb in question to no avail. In the end I hop onto the undersized vehicle and drive off into an explosion sunset. Let’s hope that all of my missions don’t end this way.

The next few weeks are going to be filled with big releases. This week it’s Brink. Next week it’s LA Noire. Before long we’ll be playing Duke Nukem Forever with its creepy, plastic women and feeling really bad about ourselves for it. But enough about self-loathing, let’s see what’s out this week.

The First Templar (5/10/11)

I’ve had just about enough of the Templars. Nearly every conspiracy story these days has them in it. I’m sick of it. No more Templars. Unless this game is about going back in time to kill the First Templar, preventing me from having to experience any more Templar-based entertainment, I’m not interested.

Brink (5/10/11)

If videogames have taught us anything about the future it’s that it will be terrible. There’ll still be guns to shoot people, but, contrary to contemporary thought, children are not the future. In fact, there probably won’t be many children in the future on account of all the shooting. Brink reinforces those ideas in a class and objective-based, team shooter.

It also features parkour character maneuvers, which, if done well, would be the first time that parkour action and shooting some dudes has been successfully merged. In an effort to preemptively lessen their own accomplishments, however, Brink also features some escort missions. Nothing makes parkour and shooting less fun then escorting a slow moving jackass through a barrage of bullets.

That said, it still looks like it’s worth giving a shot. If you exclusively play games on a PS3 maybe you should sit this one out until Sony finally gets PSN up and running again, which by Sony’s generous calculations happened a few weeks ago. Though, if you want, you can still enjoy this team shooter all by yourself. Then, using the power of your imagination, you can pretend you’re playing with your friends. If you don’t have any friends, then it’s all the same to you, in which case, go crazy, which you probably already have from all of the loneliness.

Garshasp (5/9/11)

This game takes place in the rich world of Persian mythology; a world where one man carries an impossibly large sword and proceeds to kill thousands of monsters. Who knew Persian mythology was so incredibly similar to 90 percent of videogames?

Judging from this picture, it looks like Garshasp was born to be in a videogame or a Prince of Persia cosplay contest.

On the game’s website, the developer says that their “revolutionary” game is based on an epic poem. I hope they’re right about the revolutionary part, because the last time someone released a game based on an epic poem it didn’t go so well.

LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean: The Video Game (5/10/11)

Traveller’s Tales has built a factory for these LEGO games that would make Henry Ford or the Chinese gentleman who runs the Nike shoe factories proud. If there’s a financially successful series of movies, keep a lookout for a LEGO game featuring it in the next few years. I’m excited for when they eventually get to LEGO James Bond: The Video Game. I’m sure it’ll be pretty good, right up until LEGO Bond slaps a LEGO Bond Girl right on her boxy rear. Then, the game will propel itself into being an instant classic for LEGO fetishists.

Virtua Tennis 4 (5/10/11)

Remember when tennis was really popular? Me neither, but who doesn’t love Virtua Tennis? They’re good games. While I’m sure it’s great to play as Boris Becker or Michael Chan, I’m still waiting for a Virtua Cop sequel. The way things are now, though, market forces will ensure that the game takes place in Badmanistan, populated by a gallery of brown men to eviscerate with a Freedom Glock.

You know what? Forget I said anything. More tennis!

Hydrophobia Prophecy (5/9/11)

Hydrophobia occurs in the later stages of a rabies infection. The victim has trouble swallowing, panics when presented with liquids, and is unable to quench their thirst. It’s not something you’d usually see a developer take on as the subject of a game, but sometimes it just takes a developer brave enough to expose the plight of the poor suckers with rabies.

Actually, it looks like the developers of Hydrophobia Prophecy got hydrophobia mixed up with aquaphobia, the fear of water. Apparently, a lot of the game is dependent on the games dynamic water physics. How might this technology affect the game? Rob Hewson, the game’s designer, had this to say:

[A] player might shoot fuel barrels which let even more water into the scene but also spawn floating fuel fires which are carried around with the flow and find they need to resort to underwater action. – From a PS3 Attitude interview

Just when you thought this game’s water physics might lead you too far off the beaten path of gaming, your old buddy, the exploding barrel, is there to lend a familiar and volatile hand. If I had a dollar for every time an exploding barrel made a game better in the last five years I would have at least five dollars. Maybe six.

Mildly annoyed that flimsy safety nets haven’t kept employees from wanting to kill themselves rather than work another day, Foxconn is taking serious measures to prevent the horrifying deaths. By making employees promise that they won’t commit suicide.

Perhaps your employees wouldn’t be so interested in offing themselves if they were allowed to sit down during their 16-hour shifts.

-Sent from my iPhone

[Source: Wired]

The iPhone version went open source a while back. Now, some jackass has recompiled the code and thrown it onto the App Store as Free Running. The company, PDL Soft, went so far as to steal all of the positive reviews Canabalt received and posted them on the Free Running page, which is like stealing a popular person’s yearbook and desperately pretending your peers care if you have a good summer and never, ever change.

BREAKING NEWS: While I was searching for a link to the Free Running page, so you could witness this blatant theft, I discovered that the game has been taken down. That’s good news if you hate terrible people.

MORE BREAKING NEWS: It’s being reported that PDL Soft has been razed to the ground by a fire, while the entire staff was inside. Our heartfelt condolences to the families of all PDL Soft employees. Your mommy/daddy was really great at her/his job, kid. Though, they never mentioned you.

[Source: Hazardous Software]

In researching Too Human fans, I came across the self-proclaimed “First Too Human Fansite” on the Internet, bluntly called Too Human Fansite. The most recent post, excitingly entitled, “Welcome to WordPress blog!” starts, “WordPress – is a content management system (CMS) specifically developed to manage frequently changing content.” The site, last updated in 2008, is the sole evidence that all Too Human fans might not be dead, as long as we’re counting WordPress as a fan.

It may not be fair to use this single, lonely fansite as an indictment against future Too Human sequels, but if the Internet has taught us anything it’s that Star Wars has more fans than this and I don’t think anyone without brain damage is clamoring for more Star Wars movies.

[Source: Joystiq]

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Base Delta

I’m not entirely sure why this is, but it in games like Minecraft I tend to set my own goals and constraints to challenge myself. I think that in the real world they call that kind of thing masochism, but I just like to call it a healthy challenge.

I have always been a fan of building extensive structures in The Nether as a result. What’s not to love about it? It’s filled with lava, hostile demons, and fire. Not just a little fire either, I mean pretty much everything is on fire, which creates a nice aesthetic. Clearly, if I’m going to build stuff worthy of bragging, this is the place in which to do it. Also, Spawn did it, and Spawn is pretty awesome last time I checked. [Last time I checked "pretty awesome" didn't mean terrible. -ed]

My latest project is a structure I’ve tentatively named The Nether Delta. The name makes logical sense because my first two structures are named Nether Alpha and Nether Beta. There is, however, the unfortunate detail that “The Nether Delta” sounds like a poorly-produced porno set in ancient Egypt. Probably gonna have to come up with a better name.

The structure has two purposes:

1. Facilitate the safe(ish) harvesting of Glowstone
2. Look really, really cool.

Phase 1: The Magma Subway

Every great structure starts from humble beginnings. In this case, my humble beginning is a glass tunnel directly through an ocean of lava. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Parthenon.

As one might expect, building a tunnel through a magma ocean is not what would be generally described as easy. Standard building techniques are not terribly effective due to being on fire and burning to death.

Thankfully, advanced minecraft engineers have developed innovative techniques to deal with Lava without being lit on fire and burning to death in a dark hell-tunnel. Passable blocks will actually prevent liquids from flowing through them. So using a row of ladders at the bottom of the lava ocean keeps the magma from turning me into charcoal.

Now that I’ve got something that, if I were a madman, I could call a roof, from here I can start replacing my advanced ladder-based force fields with something a bit more reasonable, like glass. Because that makes sense.

Questionable glass magma roof completed, I can continue my tunneling until I’ve reached the exact center of this patch of magma ocean, at which point I can begin work on the passage from the bottom of the magma lake to the surface. Unfortunately, that phase of construction is actually more dangerous than casually mining directly under a roof of suspended magma. I’ll have to build a bridge to the center of the lake…while being fired upon by a large group of angry, flying demons. It’s like Doom except instead of a BFG 9000 I get a sharp rock tied to a stick.

At least there are no cyberdemons.

There aren’t a lot of places where Norse mythology, shooting the undead, and Steven Seagal come together. While going through this week’s notable game releases, that’s exactly what happened. We also learned some heartwarming lessons about the intellectually challenged and race relations. Videogames have so many things to teach that have nothing to do with murder.

Thor: God of Thunder (5/3/11)

This comes out just in time for the Thor movie. These tie-in games are a lot like the tie-in toys at McDonald’s: they’re usually terrible. As a kid it’s exciting to get an action figure just for eating a hamburger, until you realize your new action figure’s actions are limited to standing around. If standing in one spot and staring off into space makes you actiony, then I’ve got a bunch of mentally challenged children I’d like to put in Hollywood’s next big action movie. They’ll be great. So full of action.

Would the Thor movie be better with an all-retard cast? I haven’t seen the movie so it’s difficult to say, but I have a hard time thinking that it wouldn’t be. At the very least it would be way more uplifting. Just now, I unconsciously grabbed and started waving a little American flag thinking about it.

Will this game, like Forrest Gump, beat the odds of eventually living in a group home and be unexpectedly uplifting? Play it and let us know. We’ll take your word for it.

Call of Duty: Black Ops – Escalation (5/3/11)

If you’re not tired of riddling zombies full of bullets, there’s a co-op zombie map in the new Black Ops DLC. I don’t know what’s going on at Treyarch, but apparently gunning down communists and other enemies of freedom is not enough; they love putting zombie-related content in Call of Duty games. I’m sure it’s because they love zombies, but at what point does that innocent love become perverted and turn into something more sinister? What I’m getting at here is necrophilia. It’s only a matter of time, Treyarch. It’s only a matter of time… and a candle-lit morgue visit.

The zombie campaign here is a bit different in that it stars George Romero, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Danny Trejo, the guy who plays Freddy Krueger, and another guy who plays a racist redneck on The Walking Dead. The common thread between all of them is that they’re portrayed in-game by some creepy, wax museum-style animatronics.

Yep. That’s Maxim magazine’s 2008 Woman of the Year – whatever the hell that means – creeping us all out. There goes a million nerds’ fantasies about Buffy wadded up in a tissue and thrown out the window.

MotorStorm: Apocalypse (5/3/11)

This ain’t your daddy’s apocalypse! The world is ending and humanity celebrates the only way it knows how: off-roading and racing to the finish line of human existence. At the end of the world there will be sweet jumps.

Under Siege (5/3/11)

Steven Seagal battles a ship full of mercenaries and the effects of aging in this real-time strategy game. Not to spoil anything, but aging wins.

Avadon: The Black Fortress (5/2/11)

There aren’t enough black characters in games. It’s good to see a fantasy RPG devoted to bringing us the stories of an entire fortress of black people. It’s a bold move, considering that black folks don’t exist in any known fantasy world. With that in mind, this is practically pioneering a new genre, the fantasy fantasy world. It’s such a crazy fantasy world that only the people living in another fantasy world could cook it up.

CORRECTION: After some cursory research, it turns out there may not be any black characters in the game after all.

New Boyz: The WORLD (5/2/11)

On the other hand, New Boyz definitely features black people. The New Boyz are a hip hop duo, now starring in an online game centered around cashing in on their fame in any way possible. For those of you uncomfortable with the idea of so many black people in a videogame without the reassuring words “Def Jam” or “50 Cent” in the title, calm yourself. This game is sure to feature the tried-and-true caucasian tradition of white people pretending to be black.

New Boyz: The WORLD features “world” in all caps and it’s not clear why. Whoever was in charge of titling the game must have started typing the name, switched to the New Boyz forum to type an angry all-caps message regarding the group’s exclusion from MTV’s Top 10 Hottest MCs list, went back to writing their email with the caps lock still on, then, while still in a rage, sent it out to the entire team. Some suit saw the email, thought it was so edgy and cool to have “world” in caps that they immediately approved it and promoted that individual to VP of Hip [Hop] Ideas. Cut to right now, where none of us are playing this game.

I don't know what's going on here, but I want to play this game.

Source: [Entertainment Weekly]

Source [The Guardian]

[Source: Neowin]