Can you smell that? The excitement. In the air. It hangs over this announcement as a fine musk. As sort of a sultry fog that reminds me of the bathrooms in junior high or the aroma of a paper mill that wafts over the area, making everything smell like rotten eggs and farts.

Sure, your brain gets excited because your nose is receiving new information, but the fact remains that it still fucking stinks, which is exactly what Hulu does.

The good news is that you may be able to watch some new things on your Wii and/or 3DS soon. The bad news is that, unless huge changes have been made, Hulu Plus is still a bag of trash.

[Source: Techcrunch]

Sadly, Breaking Bad‘s finale was last week, and while I maintain that it was the single finest hour of television ever broadcast, it has left a gaping meth-shaped hole in my Sunday evening addiction routine. Fortunately, AMC has crammed a horde of zombies into that meth hole, and I didn’t even have to dole out handjobs in a truck stop bathroom to get it!

Keeping spoilers to a minimum, the season premiere dives directly into what The Walking Dead does best, which is make you want to crap your pants with tension as very little actually happens. Straight away, our survivors are on the road again, and need to scavenge from a cluster of cars for gas and more supplies. This leads to a tense standoff when a horde of Walkers wander through the area, leaving the group hiding beneath cars as the corpses shuffle by. Add that to a startling and amazingly violent confrontation that ends with Andrea shanking a zombie repeatedly. In the eye. With a screwdriver.

As early as Season One Episode One, The Walking Dead got it right. Rick awakens to this fresh hell of a world and winds up caught in a pitch-black hospital stairwell, with only a book of matches to light his way. I can’t recall ever feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin due to cinematic tension more than each time a match extinguished, plunging Rick back into darkness, and me into needing a clean pair of shorts. Naturally, this was all with the existing knowledge that nothing could happen to Rick, but I’ll be goddamned if I wasn’t concerned for his safety and my own sanity when he finally cracked the door of the exit to reveal piles of rotting corpses and abandoned military vehicles. This kind of tension is addictive, and the slow burn that they’ve managed to achieve with punctuations of good ol’ fashioned zombified ultra-violence has me fiending for more every week.

Unlike Breaking Bad, though, I’m afraid to get too addicted to The Walking Dead. Frank Darabont, the man who brought the comic to television, was ousted as show-runner roughly halfway through Season Two’s production, and I’m worried that suddenly this pure, uncut, Columbian-grade tension I’ve come to love will be watered down with cheap scares.

Whatever the case, we’ve got at least a half season of solid, zombie-infested greatness to go, and hopefully the moving parts that are left intact are enough to keep The Walking Dead‘s quality sustained. If not, we’ll be the first ones to jump on the lazy reporting bandwagon and pepper an entire article with crappy zombie puns.

Rumors, if not full-on reports, have surfaced claiming that the 23rd season of The Simpsons may be its last, and I have only one response to that: Good. The shambling corpse that remains has dragged the show I used to love through the mud long enough. I’m going to come off like an old fart here, but get off of my lawn, sit down, shut up and listen.

It’s not that the newer seasons didn’t have their moments. I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that they lack the heart of the earlier seasons. The Simpsons used to be about something. Sure, there has always been a certain irreverence, but when it came down to it, you cared about what happened to this family every week, and they cared about each other. Sure, Homer strangled Bart, but it was only for a moment, and only in blinding rage. Not, for instance, like this:

Whatever happened to interesting lessons on religion, infidelity, love, or moral choices? It’s like they took one glance at The Family Guy and decided to go full retard.

No matter how completely awful The Simpsons has become, it’s still a money and ratings behemoth. Only recently was its reign drawn even slightly into question, and that seems to be due to stalled negotiations with the voice actors. Fox is apparently refusing to pay $8 million per year, per actor, saying they want to cut each actor’s salary to a “meager” $4 million. The cast is balking at this, while they beat out their frustrations on punching bags filled with $100 dollar bills.

At this point, Fox is loudly pondering canceling it not because the stars don’t deserve the money, or because the crap train The Simpsons has become has run out of steam, but because it’d be a more sound decision fiscally. If they shut down the dinosaur and let it live its bedraggled days out in syndication, it’d actually make Fox (and likely Matt Groening) a crap-ton more money for zero effort, and would allow them to shove Family Guy or some other god-awful monstrosity into the coveted 8 o’clock spot.

Let’s face it, The Simpsons has been dead for over 10 years. I don’t really care if it’s a retarded contract dispute or the Armageddon, it’s time to shoot that fucking corpse in the face and make sure to double-tap it so the goddamned thing doesn’t get up again.

[Source: The Washington Post]

As we tweeted yesterday, and as reported by The Hollywood Reporter, NBC has mercifully decided to cancel The Playboy Club and put an end to the torment that those watching it were undoubtedly suffering.

Frankly, it should be considered an American achievement that no one watched this dumb ass show. On the surface, you’d think that a show about Playboy bunnies would be a no-brainer hit, but if they’re not jumping on trampolines or getting into pillow fights, who’s going to be watching? Feminists?

Apparently not, because (as you may recall) Gloria Steinem called for an all-out boycott on the show, not to mention a similar calls for boycott from the Parents Television Council (PTC). Naturally, between Steinem and the PTC, someone’s going to be claiming credit for the disastrous ratings that the show was receiving. I can almost hear cries of victory being spewed forth from their stupid faces already. “Take that, indecency!” and “Eat a dick, Hugh Hefner!”

Look, I don’t know a lot about ratings, but a drop from 5 million to 3.8 million viewers after one week means only one thing: Your show is a bag of shit. Plus, call me crazy, but I don’t think there are 500 people listening to these boycott d-bags, let alone 1.2 million. Seriously, who even knew Gloria Steinem was still around, let alone who the PTC was, or that either of them actually gave a crap about The Playboy Club?

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t take boycotts or outrage to get shows cancelled, it just takes crappy writing and a stupid premise. Name one successful show that has been cancelled due to controversy generated by one of these groups, and I’ll personally send those asshats over at PTC fifty bucks.

[Source: The Hollywood Reporter]

Nancy Grace. Wardrobe Malfunction.

Gross.

[Source: USA Today]

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Netflix has decided to launch their DVD service as a brand-new company called Qwikster. This has caused quite a stir, much like Netflix’s price hike earlier this year, and idiots people are angrily, and incoherently sputtering all across the internet, “What is wrong with you jerk-offs!?” Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as Netflix being greedy or their CEO, Reed Hastings, suddenly going verifiably insane.

Netflix is under tremendous pressure because studios want more money to license the movies and shows that people love so very much. As it turns out, when a product is in demand, and being the middle man is your primary business model, whoever is supplying that product has you bent bare-assed over his giant, pinstriped knee. Netflix doesn’t create any content, so it means studios can hold out for higher rates, while Netflix is left begging like a snot-nosed infant howling for candy and a diaper change.

In fact, that’s almost exactly what happened when Netflix and Starz couldn’t come to a rate agreement not long after Netflix hiked subscription rates. What people don’t seem to understand is that the mailing subscription business is slowing harder than the streaming service:

Netflix said it now expects 800,000 fewer DVD-only subscribers. It expects 200,000 fewer streaming-only members than it previously forecast.

This is partly the result of the price hike, but it’s likely also customers bailing on DVDs altogether. I see the Qwikster split as Netflix protecting their necks. So what is Qwikster providing that Netflix didn’t?

Video game rentals.

Suddenly, I have a reason to be interested in receiving things by mail again. As far as I know, only Blockbuster and Gamefly do video game rentals by mail, so this is Netflix (Qwikster) setting foot in a market they didn’t have before. And if Netflix’s history with Blockbuster is any indication, Blockbuster can look forward to getting spanked harder than a studio exec at his weekly dominatrix session. The other thing is that Gamefly only does video games, so if Qwikster winds up having a decent selection and a lower price point, Gamefly might have some competition. Plus, if I can order games or movies, I have every reason hit up Qwikster for that.

Ill will aside, Netflix has always been great for me, so rather than immediately blow up and rant and rave and piss and moan, I think I’ll reserve some cautious optimism and hope for the best. So far, the biggest downside I see to the whole thing is not being able to easily add movies from your instant queue to DVD, but honestly, if they don’t figure out a way to easily do that, maybe they really have lost their minds.

Even then, physical media is on the decline, so think about what’s actually going on before you break your head off in your own, angered ass. This might actually make sense for Netflix as a service and as a company as a whole. If not, you’re probably welcome to take your business elsewhere. Seriously, Reed Hastings told me that. He also said he was sorry and he’d do anything to keep you, baby… please don’t go.

Brett Ratner has come out and said that he approves of Eddie Murphy hosting the Oscars. You may remember Brett Ratner as the director of X-Men: The Last Stand, which sucked so hard it shamed the X-Men franchise into rebooting. Eddie Murphy, of course, is the once-amazing comedian who took so many bad roles, it’s a wonder he’s even alive let alone working. And the Oscars, naturally, is the awards show that no one but Hollywood stars with massive egos care about.

All things considered, Eddie Murphy will probably do a good job of hosting. His stand-up was amazing when he actually hit the stage. I’ll never forget his special, Delirious, but that may be more due to the red, skin-tight leather suit he wore for the performance.

A younger Eddie Murphy, catching a glimpse of the Norbit trailer.

Crap-ton of bad movies or not, I want Eddie Murphy to succeed. There’d be nothing greater than to see him back on top of his game. Remember Beverly Hills Cop? Coming to America? It’s been sad to watch him drift from children’s comedy into a bunch of shit that no one watched. Seriously, Eddie… Norbit? Meet Dave? Is there a drug addiction you’re feeding that no one knows about? Reach out for help if you need it, Eddie. No one still judges you for that transvestite thing.

But Brett Ratner? I don’t even know why he’s commenting on Eddie’s hosting at all. How is Brett Ratner, of all people, qualified to determine if someone can host an awards show? Let me answer that for you: he’s not. He’s directing a movie called Tower Heist starring Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller and he’s looking for a bit of free press. Here you go, Brett!

I was going to write something about how horrible Tower Heist is likely to be, but I don’t have to, you can go watch the trailer yourself.

This Miami Herald article, however, had one quote in it more disturbing than anything Tower Heist has to offer:

The two talented guys (Ed note: referring to Murphy and Ratner) are also working on Beverly Hills Cop 4, for 2014.

Awesome. Because what we need is a 50-year-old Axel Foley wheezing around Beverly Hills while a geriatric Judge Reinhold does his best to look as incompetent as he always did. Ratner killed X-Men to the point that they had to reboot the damn thing, maybe he’ll manage to accomplish the same for Beverly Hills Cop. I’m not usually a fan of reboots, but I’d probably give up my left nut to watch Donald Glover give Axel Foley a go.

I'll bet you cash right now he could whip out that famous Foley laugh in a split second.

[Source: The Miami Herald]

For some strange reason, possibly cocaine, Captain America co-writer Christopher Markus wants to not only bring MODOK (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing [with a really retarded name]) to the screen, but he wants to cast Peter Dinklage for the role, stating,

“I will win you over to Peter Dinklage as MODOK. If he came around the corner and you saw him floating there you would be terrified. It would be amazing,”

Before you go trying to win us over, Mr. Markus, it’d probably be a good idea to win over Peter Dinklage.

I certainly don’t think that Peter Dinklage would be bad at playing MODOK. Hell, I’d watch Peter Dinklage in nearly anything at this point, the guy’s incredible. In fact, remake The Matrix and have him star as an even more believable Neo. Do it. I swear to god, I’ll be the first in line. He’d know kung-fu. But wanting to cast him as MODOK for the Captain America sequel? It’d be insulting to a marvelous actor if it wasn’t so goddamned stupid.

Seriously, guys. Do you even know what MODOK looks like?

Just what we need in both life and cinema. A rocket-farting head.

Fortunately for everyone on the planet Earth, not everyone is excited about his as Christopher Markus.

“I love MODOK and I think you could make a terrifying movie with MODOK but nobody seems to be on my side at the momentum(sic),”

You know what, Christopher? You’re right. You could make a terrifying movie with MODOK, but it’d be a porn parody of the film you’re planning to make. How does Captain Shlongmerica II: MO’DONG Rising sound to you? Terrible? Good, because that’s about how stupid a movie featuring MODOK sounds to everyone else.

For once, I’m actually on the side of the suits for stifling the writer’s creativity. Finally, as though we’ve warped onto some Bizarro Earth, they’re the ones preventing something terrible from being unleashed on the unsuspecting public, rather than sitting in a dark corner, wringing their hands atop stacks of ill-gotten money. Wait, are Hollywood executives finally fighting for the good of the audience?

Crap. Maybe those natural disasters last week were signs of the end times.

Probably not. Those execs just heard Christopher Markus muttering crap about some giant floating head named MODOK and their bank accounts went flashing before their eyes.

[Source: MTV.com]

According to Ryan Jaslow, referencing a study published by the British Journal of Sports Medicine, watching television shortens life by 22 minutes per viewing hour. You know what else shortens your life by roughly 27.2%? Being a stupid ass hat like Ryan Jaslow.

While the study does seem to indicate a link between prolonged watching of television and reduced lifespan, what it specifically says is the following:

Prolonged television (TV) viewing time is unfavourably associated with mortality outcomes, particularly for cardiovascular disease, but the impact on life expectancy has not been quantified. The authors estimate the extent to which TV viewing time reduces life expectancy in Australia, 2008.

The emphasis I added seems to have been left out of both Ryan’s and the study author’s conclusions. Regardless, Jaslow goes on,

Compared with adults who watch no TV, Australians who spend a lifetime average of 6 hours per day in front of the tube “can expect to live 4.8 years less,” the authors wrote.

First, nobody cares about Australians. This is America. Most of us spend a lifetime average of 12 hours per day watching TV. I never thought I’d say it, Australia, but you guys are looking like total pussies. And this is coming from a dude who grew up idolizing this guy:

Second, clearly Ryan doesn’t know the first thing about cross-linking, because if he did, he’d just point readers to his other article, which tells readers:

The scientists said the adults who exercised just 15 minutes a day – or 90 minutes a week – extended their life expectancy by three years…

So if you exercise a total of 90 minutes a week, go ahead and watch as much TV as you damn well please. Hell, exercise 120 minutes and watch even more. Go nuts. The real results of the study show that if you’re an unrepentant fat ass, you’re not going to live as long as someone who isn’t. And even then, fit people like to run around a lot, increasing their odds of being hit by a big fat guy driving a bus.

Until any of these studies are validated by actual scientists, all you have is Ryan Jaslow trolling unverified studies, struggling to find something to write, and probably masturbating whilst demonizing our beloved television. Television! Who has given us (selflessly, I might add) millions of hours of entertainment!

Say what you want with your stupid face and your spiteful jowls, Ryan Jaslow, the only thing making anyone drop dead any earlier from watching TV is them eating like shit and being big, lazy fat asses—which reminds me…

Enjoy your egg (and fat) rolls, Ryan.

[Source: CBS News]

Sometimes, when the staff of TM gets together, we argue over who’s the blackest. David folds almost immediately; He is resolutely white, living comfortably in his all-white neighborhood, which, even if he were actually black, would disqualify him. As the only non-white staff member I seemly have a leg up, but that hasn’t stopped Sean from trying to out black me. It usually starts with Sean quoting all of his favorite Tyler Perry movies and shows. In his sassiest black woman voice he’ll say, “Call the po-po. I ain’t scared of no po-po. Call the po-po, ho.” That’s usually followed by, “Lord, help me Jesus! I’m ’bout to run my car right through K-Mart!” If he’s feeling really sassy, and just a little bit sexy, we’ll almost certainly hear, “When I was stripping them little skinny girls got mad at me ’cause I bent the pole. When I got down that thing looked like a horseshoe.”

Written down like that all of those things sound like something a fictional black woman might say, or at least something a black man dressed as a older black woman might say, but coming out of Sean’s face it actually broke the laws of nature and made Sean sound even whiter. So, I guess that leaves me as the lone authority on all things black. I’ll do my duty as the honorary black man of TM and say that based on my authority as an African American I can’t recommend the unaired pilot of the Black Dynamite animated series enough. You can watch it here. It takes the highly successful formula of Blaxploitation movies, puts them in an animated world – with all of the exaggerations that implies – and comes out the other side with something funny and entertaining. The good news is that the series has been picked up for a full season of half-hour episodes by Adult Swim. Which reminds me, I know what you’ve heard about black men, ladies, and it’s completely true; I can’t swim.

Despite Eric Vespe’s damning article on Ain’t it Cool News, AMC execs have seemingly pulled their heads out of their metaphorical asses long enough to renew Breaking Bad for its full, final season of 16 episodes. Of course, this wave of sensibility also means that I won’t be shoving their heads up their literal asses.

The thing I still don’t understand is how this was even up for debate in the first place. Previously, AMC went to the negotiation table with Matt Wiener, creator of Mad Men. This acrimonious process resulted in pissing, moaning, and ultimately, Mad Men being delayed until the Spring. Now, I know you’re trying to save money, AMC, but when you start trying to do so by taking a chisel to your crown jewels, you might want to make sure that your king hasn’t been lobotomized.

Unfortunately for Breaking Bad fans (affectionally referred to as “meth heads”), it’s starting to sound like they may make an attempt to bleed as much from the stone as they can, splitting the 16 episode run into two mini-seasons. The only thing I can imagine this would accomplish is allowing them to defer the cost of making the show, which seems unlikely, or giving Bryan Cranston the chance to win even more Emmys.

I said it before, you need to get rid of shows that suck. It’s simple. You don’t screw with the three shows that bring in both critical and audience approval (Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Walking Dead). As far as I’m concerned, Hell on Wheels, and The Killing are completely expendable. Hell, don’t even cancel them, just make them shoot nothing but bottle episodes until the creators hang themselves.

We know you’re crazy, AMC execs, but if you’re going to show us just how crazy, try to focus it in the direction of crap I don’t care about.

If the formula is working, you can’t really expect to remove key ingredients, or replace them with some random shit you found in a field and expect to get the same results. Imagine if Walt suddenly replaced a key ingredient in his meth recipe with, I don’t know, gallons of ball sweat. It may still be pure, but meth heads or not, folks are going to taste that ball sweat.

[Source: HitFix]

Sounds like NBC has ruffled the feathers of pioneering women’s rights activist and wicked-righteous lady, Gloria Steinem. What’s Steinem upset at NBC about? The Playboy Club, a show about the original Chicago Playboy Club of the 1960′s. Steinem is calling for a boycott of the show, which I didn’t even know existed until Gloria Steinem’s name came up in a headline about it. Now I’m tempted to watch it just to see what I should be boycotting.

Steinem is citing inaccuracy as the main reason for the boycott, stating:

Clearly ‘The Playboy Club’ is not going to be accurate. It was the tackiest place on earth. It was not glamorous at all.

Clearly, Gloria didn’t watch this:

Murdering a guy certainly doesn’t seem glamorous to me, as hilarious as her jamming her heel in that old perv’s head is. This poor girl’s going to have to skip town because she murdered a gangster who, from what I can tell from the ninety seconds of this clip, was trying to rape her. How glamorous.

If anyone knows how terrible this environment is, it’s Gloria Steinem. After all, she infiltrated the jungle that was this club and came back with PTSD. This is her ‘Nam, and much like a ‘Nam, I wasn’t there, man. I’m sure the mere sight of bunny ears and cleavage sends Steinem into a series of flashbacks, only in this case, Charlie is a bunch of perverted drunks, lustily reaching for her ass.

Even without those vivid flashbacks, Steinem still has plenty of reasons to be upset, as NBC executives are insanely declaring that this show is about “empowering women”. Really? I thought it was just your lazy attempt at stealing some of Mad Men‘s thunder, and here you are blathering about empowering women? What about a dressing up as a scantily clad bunny empowers women, exactly? Is it the bunny ears or the bow tie?

In rather measured article from NPR, Linda Holmes points out,

…the Bunnies in the show have to ask permission to wear a coat when it’s cold outside and they’re working the door…

Jesus, that’s one step short of them having to ask when they can take a dump.

So, on one hand we have BS coming from Gloria Steinem, who by all rights hasn’t seen any more of the show than I have. What I’ve seen so far doesn’t seem that glamorous, but then again, I’m not the one calling for boycotts based on something I haven’t seen. On the other hand, we have BS coming from NBC about how this show is all about “empowering women”.

No matter which way you slice it, you know what both Steinem and NBC really care about? Your old pal money.

NBC’s just taking up the feminist angle in some moronic attempt to get more women to watch because they want improve the chances that this godawful show will be so much as a third as successful as Mad Men. If you like that, NBC, I’ve got a couple of shows to sell you. How about a gripping drama about zombie survival, or I don’t know, a meth-selling chemistry teacher?

Gloria Steinem, in an effort to appear ever-relevant before the release of her HBO documentary, Gloria: In her Own Words, is getting riled up about this dumb-ass irrelevant NBC show because she’s on a press junket and it’ll turn some heads. Clearly, it’s working, Gloria. My head is turned! Unfortunately, it’s turned toward the toilet, as I’ve got to go relieve myself of all of the bullshit I’ve consumed in researching this article.

Look, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with making money. The problem here is the ridiculous pandering both parties are taking part in so they can make some more. I’m sure plenty of people would’ve watched The Playboy Club and Gloria: In her Own Words for their own reasons, either way.

Again, I’ll quote NPR’s Linda Holmes,

Perhaps the good news is that we’ve now reached the point where it’s considered smart marketing to push a feminist spin on your show about Playboy Bunnies.

Good news, indeed. It’s just a shame that NBC and Steinem don’t actually respect women enough to consider them above shameless pandering. Keep in mind, this is coming from the guy who advocates bringing back the fun boob.

Both parties love the smell of their own shit, so why don’t they just team up? NBC can pay Gloria Steinem to bring in the gritty tackiness that she’s boycotting the show over, and as a result, they’ll drag in the legitimate feminist market they both crave. See folks, capitalism isn’t that hard, you’ve just got to be willing to compromise. Ask congress!

[Source: Reuters]

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for America, the ABC Network adds to the list of things that, as a nation, fills us with an unnerving dread that threatens to strip us of what’s left of our national pride. In what must be a maelstrom of stupidity, ABC has decided to go full, screaming, pot-clanging retard with its new fall show, Work It.

If S&P wasn’t going to downgrade the country based on other things, it certainly would’ve had no other choice after watching this trailer for Work It:

Great. The nation thanks you. Assholes.

Look, I get it. Men dressed as women is funny! Television has a rich history of dudes dressing up as ladies with hilarious (and sexy) results. Hell, who doesn’t remember Bosom Buddies? Actually, I don’t. I wasn’t alive then, but I am aware of its existence. And of course, you had greats like Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and Kids in the Hall, but those were both sketch shows starring all men, so that’s to be expected. The thing is when they were dressed up like women, the words coming out of their faces were also funny. Not some inane stereotype of how the dipshit writers think women actually behave.

Worse still, this being one of the first shows released by ABC’s new president, Paul Lee, is just a terrible show, but a waypoint. An indicator of direction. A filthy truck stop along the highway to Craplantic City.

To add even more crap to this crap-fueled blaze, Mr. Lee is completely unapologetic. In fact, apparently this crap reduces him to a muttering infant, as he states, “Sometimes you pick up a pilot just because it absolutely makes you cackle with laughter, and that was the case with Work It”. As soon as he stopped sputtering, his assistant wiped the drool from his chin and handed him his sippy cup.

I’m guessing nobody cares about the direction this is taking ABC (because seriously, who gives a shit?), but shows like this are dragging television backwards as a viable source of media, while good comedies like Community, Louie, and Parks and Rec languish in the ratings. We deserve better, people, and the only way to make that clear is by supporting the stuff that doesn’t suck.

Ok, I’m a bit of a TV snob over here, I’ll admit it, but no matter which way you slice Work It, it’s shlock. I may be getting ahead of myself, but it hurts my feelings as a lover of television to see this sort of filth squeeze from the puckered anus of ABC. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, considering this is the network that brought us Cavemen, but you’d figure they’d have learned their lesson, because it’s an important one. Namely, that gimmicky, moronic shows haven’t worked since the 80′s unless they’re reality television.

Actually, you know what ABC? Make a reality television show where two guys dress up as women and get jobs at an ad agency, and I’ll watch it. It’ll save you money and be way funnier than the alternative, plus it’ll probably scar several people for life. That’s a win-win, ABC. You’ve got my total support.

[Source: Digital Spy]

According to the LA Times, negotiations in bringing the fifth (and presumably final) season of AMC’s Breaking Bad to the air next year have gone tense. On paper, this is a conflict between Sony and AMC. In reality, it’s a conflict between artistic vision and money, and unfortunately, artistic vision tends gets violated so badly that it’s left weeping by itself in the corner, cowering from human touch.

It sounds like AMC is up against a wall because one of its other hit shows, Mad Men, just got allocated a cartoonish sack of money, and now AMC is having a hard time doling out the remainder of its funds to the rest of its productions. As a result of this, there are rumors swirling around that producer/writer/director, Frank Darabont, left another of AMC’s hit shows, The Walking Dead, due to budgetary reasons. And as the LA Times is making mention here, budget is the very reason Breaking Bad negotiations are on the rocks, as AMC wanted to cut the number of episodes from thirteen down to a meager six or eight. I don’t know about you, but it sounds like artistic vision just took a one square in the jewels.

What I don’t get, since I’m not a soulless ghoul from the netherworld (read: “network executive”), is why they can’t just pony up the cash for another season. Look, I get it, you have a budget, and you can only pay for so much, but regardless of the contract you need to get worked out, you’ve already signed a contract with the viewing public. Clearly, the makers of Breaking Bad are attempting to fulfill that contract while the execs at AMC are trying to hack it off at the knees.

It probably wouldn’t piss me off so badly if it weren’t for the fact that they’ve already committed to four-fifths of the fucking thing. What the hell are you thinking, AMC? You’re going to get us all riled up by watching Walt get badder and badder, only to shut it off at the climax? It’s the whole point of the show. Why don’t you just go ahead and take the zombies out of The Walking Dead and have the remainder of Mad Men focus on Don joining a hippy commune. While you’re at it, just come to my house and smear shit on my TV.

AMC, you’ve been doing such an amazingly great job of raising television to a new plateau. You’re putting out quality, hit television, and as it turns out, when you make money from these properties, they can cost more to make. Cut back on dumb shit like The Killing, by all means, but don’t cripple successful productions because your executives can’t figure out how to budget for them. Cripple the executives.

[Source: LA Times]

Quick before it’s too late! Go watch it on Netflix Instant now! All four seasons! Dude!

Ok, fine. You probably need more convincing.

You see that woman above? That’s Joan. Joan’s in every episode. If that’s not enough for you, you may be a lost cause, but honestly, you’ll also be missing out on one of the most cleverly-written, fantastic dramas the normally swirling shit-bowl of TV has ever produced. Oh, and if you’re a fan of drinking, smoking, bad parenting practices, hilariously outdated racism and misogyny it’s got that too. It’s the 60′s, what do you expect?

Those attributes are really only set pieces to the rich, well-developed characters, amazing cinematography, and a carefully paced plot that makes Mad Men rise where others might fall and break their face. If you don’t believe me, believe the fact that it’s from AMC, the channel that’s also cranking out two of my other favorite shows, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. Go ahead and do yourself a favor: watch Mad Men before you’re loudly mocked for being a useless loser with no taste who wouldn’t know a good show if it grabbed you by the testicles and twisted until your sex changed. If you’re a lady, replace “testicles” with “breasticles”.

Last night was the Season 4 premiere of Breaking Bad, and anyone who was looking for the show to pull any punches just got their head knocked off 80′s Mike Tyson style.

Without stupidly spoiling anything, let me just say that yes, things are getting very dark indeed and it’s never been a better time to be watching Breaking Bad. If you haven’t already gotten yourself caught up (Asif, Sean), do yourself a favor and catch up now. Honestly, if you don’t, the only person you have to blame is yourself and your stupid, non-Breaking Bad watching face.

Some tremendous shows are coming back to TV to fill that empty void your life has become since last season. The goodness starts off tonight with the season premiere of not only Futurama, but the excellent Louie. If you’re not excited, go wandering in the desert and reevaluate your life. Seriously, find a talking turtle or something.

Futurama

Futurama, as you may know, was cancelled by Fox a few years ago in one of their more noted moronic cancellation decisions. Between Futurama, Firefly, and Arrested Development, it’s almost like Fox loves delivering groundbreaking television shows only to chemically castrate them before their balls have a chance to drop.

Of those three, Futurama probably got the best chance at survival, but in Fox constantly shifted the programming schedule put Futurama in places it didn’t belong. Namely, directly following the NFL. For some strange reason,  people tuning in for football weren’t sticking around for sci-fi cartoons with talking robots. Who knew?

At any rate, redemption, thy name is Comedy Central, and Futurama is back for Season 7 with not one, but two new episodes tonight. Nerds, set boners to stun.

Louie

Back for Season 2 of his critically-acclaimed series, Louis CK brings the dark, cerebral comedy back with Louie. As a stark-raving devotee to CK for years, I can say with a great deal of bias that this is one of the most groundbreaking shows on television today. It’s smart, ballsy, genuinely funny, while it manages to drift into serious moments of sentimentality and self reflection. It’s wonderful, grown-up stuff. Sure, it’s grown-up stuff with dick jokes, but it’s grown-up stuff.

The format of the show is a mix of stand-up and short sketches, telling a fictionalized version of CK’s life as a successful comedian and a single father of two girls. Do yourself a favor and catch up on Season 1, but don’t let that prevent you from catching the premiere tonight. Watch it. Love it. Thank me later. By “thank me”, I mean “give me money”. You’re welcome.

More…

Of course, later this month we also have Breaking Bad on the way, and if you haven’t caught up on Game of Thrones, you’ve got some sweet, summertime watching ahead. I’ll get into those when the time is right, but in the meantime, soak up some comedy goodness tonight, and try to escape the flood of suicidal thoughts brought on by the fact that Mad Men isn’t coming back until March of next year.

“TV audiences need to invest in characters. Most of the other characters I don’t care much about. While the show will probably still appeal to the ‘wow’ crowd, its mass appeal just got beheaded.”

This is part of the reason why good drama is hard to find on TV. Too often, the viewing public expects a kind of bullet-dodging, stab-resistant, explosion-defying immortality of the characters they love. Any exceptions are so over-hyped that they might as well be sponsored by charity concerts. By the time it happens on-screen, the audience has already grieved and moved on! That’s not how drama is supposed to work.

The sense of loss and injustice being felt by the Game of Thrones audience? Those are real emotions. It doesn’t mean that they should go throw things at TV executives (unless it’s the ones that canceled Firefly). It’s a sign that HBO is producing good drama. And since I’d rather throw myself down a well than watch a single episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I’d prefer that HBO keep it up.

[Source: Entertainment Weekly]

Advertising executives (like Time Warner’s Jeremy Legg) claim that they need to be “recapturing those eyeballs,” but whose eyeballs are advertisers actually looking to recapture?

As Kate Hooper, professional nanny says,

I usually just put up with it and I’ll take a break or go get food or something while the commercials are playing,

Yes, Kate, as do most people!

It would appear that advertisers have unwittingly paid to advertise products to the only people who either can’t move or don’t care enough to switch the channel: the elderly. Finally, a chance to engage their actual target market: Everyone else! Congratulations, ad industry. You’ve finally broken through the grey, grossly-wrinkled glass ceiling. Pat yourselves on your scaly backs.

[Source: Google News]

Besides, her Rotten Tomatoes ranking has nothing to do with her acting ability, it has to do with her crappy taste in movies. If anything, the Career-o-Matic should have declared her agent the worst ever.

My point is tha—actually I forgot my point, I was looking at pictures of Jennifer Love-Hewitt. I’ll be in my bunk.

[Source: The Baltimore Sun]

The article is completely unclear on this, and while this isn’t surprising coming from the UK’s version of TMZ, these are important details. Article-worthy details. Details that make up the difference between this guy being a Sheen-brand whack-job for trying to blow up a TV station, or a national hero for valiantly trying to rid us of Two and a Half Men.

[Source: The Daily Mail]

What's the matter, did you get lost in his eyes?

Really, they could have Michael Emerson do virtually anything for a solid hour, and it’d still be the most riveting thing on TV.

Things like:

• Knit
• Paint a house
• Sleep
• Read the phonebook
• Do his taxes
• Talk about the contents of his pockets

Next to crap like Two and a Half Men, CBS’s Michael Emerson Does Stuff will seem like The Wire.

[Source: CBC News]

As previously mentioned, I’ve been taking Hulu Plus for a free test drive this month, and I have to say—it’s Netflix’s slightly defective (but still very hot) cousin.

I can tolerate the ads, even if they don’t make a lot of sense when you consider I’m paying for it, but recently I stumbled onto something so ridiculous, so insane that it defies all logic. I went to show some friends the glory that is Community, but we quickly discovered we couldn’t watch it on Hulu Plus for Xbox. We then tried to watch Archer, because who doesn’t love that? Couldn’t watch that either. Why? Because it’s “web only” content. Sweet, crack-smoking Jesus Christ.

To add insult to ball-stomping injury, I can go to Hulu right now and watch either of these shows for free. Go ahead. Here’s Community. Here’s Archer. You can watch it all you want, just not on your Xbox because… Why? That’s where the logic train hits a wall, tragically killing everyone on board.

So Hulu, to clarify, you’re expecting users to pay $7.99 a month to not be able to watch content that they can watch on your website for free? How does this make any sense? Why wouldn’t you want your paying customers to access all of the content they normally could online? What fiend concocted this diabolical plot?

The logic behind something this idiotic must be so wedded to the mind of a specific executive that he (or she) should have to come to your house and explain it. They should let us experience the twisted carnival ride operating in his (or her) dastardly mind that somehow explains why the Xbox (and presumably the optimal viewing experience) is withheld from people who are paying for the service. At least that way, there would be rides.

Hulu, it really comes down to this: I want to like you. I really do. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re all the things I want in a steaming video service. The truth is, you’re good… but you’re not good enough to be able to pull this kind of crap without damaging our relationship. No one is. Not even Netflix.

Excuse me while I strip naked and do a victory lap around the block like I do every time I’m right.

For the record, I’m obnoxious to watch Jeopardy with.

[Source: PC World]

While I’m a little disappointed we won’t get to see her jog around, nearly falling out of her top, I haven’t seen an image where she didn’t look gassy, so this is definitely for the best.

Source: Washington Post

1.) The redemption of the series after Season 5

or

2.) The end of Dexter as we know it and hopefully the cancellation of the series.

I’m going to go ahead and speculate that based on the description, Mos Def will play the main bad guy of the season and Dexter will kill him by the end.

This will happen after Dexter discovers something about himself and his dark passenger. Deb will swear a lot and narrowly miss discovering Dexter’s true nature, unless she gets killed off because her and Dexter aren’t married in real life anymore.

Don’t dip your knife in the company blood, Dex.

[Source: SpoilerTV]

Last night I discovered that not only has Hulu Plus finally come to Xbox Live, it’s been here for 2 whole weeks and arrived with a free 1-month pass! Lured by the siren song of the hilarious wonder that is Parks and Recreation, I settled in to gawk slack-jawed at the screen to fill my body with beer and laughter.

Suddenly, something was wrong. A voice boomed over my sound system, “This Hulu presentation is brought to you with limited commercial interruption from…” I was confused… isn’t this a pay service? Don’t I pay for these things so I don’t get commercials? Netflix doesn’t have commercials, what is going on here? What kind of evil plot is this? My whining, entitled ass expected some interruption-free, High Definition streaming content, goddammit! Where is Hulu Plus Gold: Monocle Edition? I nearly wept like an wounded toddler.

In all seriousness, I’d gladly pay a premium for interruption-free, current shows, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. Torrents may be hurting the industry by having the advantage of being free, but ultimately most people are like me: lazy. I’m happy to pay for you content, I just don’t want to leave my couch dent. Charge a premium, get out of the way, and roll around naked in my money.

Ads aside, Hulu Plus is pretty sweet. One subscription gets me equal access on all of my devices (much like Netflix, only with ads and fresher TV content), which allows me to be even lazier.

As things exist, if your priority is watching movies, you go with Netflix. I didn’t even know Hulu had movies, but they all seem to be documentaries about meth or sex for some strange, sexy reason.

Watch TV? Go with Hulu… unless you don’t mind waiting. Netflix still has an overall superior experience for TV watching, especially when stuffing your disgusting craw with shame-pizza and entire seasons of Hoarders in one sitting.

For now, I’m duel-wielding my options for content consumption, but I’m eagerly awaiting a better, more unified option. Whosoever manages to figure that out is having my lazy, lazy babies.

This is a shorter summary of that summary telling you that you should go read that summary then read the full piece because POP POP!

(I am aware this post makes no sense to people who aren’t fans of Community. Cool. Cool cool cool.)

[Source: Kottke]

[Source: Entertainment Weekly]