Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Sean Has Been Found

Posted by Asif on August 16th, 2011

Tennessee: A beautiful place for cannibals to ravage your dead body for sustenance.

In a startling turn of events, Sean went from alleged child predator to definite missing person in a matter of hours. Yeah, the charges had been dropped, but Sean was still hiding in the wilds of Tennessee. Maybe he fell in with a gang of cannibalistic rednecks in the Appalachian Mountains, surviving on the flesh of lost campers? It’s as good a guess as any, because frankly, between David and I, we know about as much about Tennessee as babies know about flying. Take our word for it, don’t test out the baby thing.

We called the Tennessee state police with hopes that their expertise in finding missing persons and tasing cannibals would help locate Sean, so we could go back to our normal routine of hassling him into creating some content. After a few days of searching and a little bit of luck, the cops finally found him. It turns out Sean was in disguise and deep undercover. How deep? When the authorities finally caught up with him in Memphis, he was hiding in plain sight, cosplaying as Lara Croft cosplaying as Elvis Presley. He was dressed entirely like Lara Croft, but with Elvis’s sideburns and cape. It was the rare and dreaded “double cosplay”. Most professional idiots who dress up as their favorite videogame or anime character stick to a single character. The tremendous mental strain of trying to just dress up like one physically improbable character with fetishistic reverence, without actually believing they’ve become the character, stops most from proceeding further. It seems Sean didn’t get the memo. As a rank amateur in the cosplay world – though, we’ve heard some serious cosplay junkies enjoy enthusiastic amateur work – Sean probably had no idea what he was in for. It’s not like anyone could ask him if he knew the risks. His mind was jelly, lost in a whimsical world where up is down, left is right, and a guy dressing up like Lara Croft is a good idea.

The tank top really showed off Sean's cleavage.

Imagine this is an extremely confused, pasty white man with fake sideburns. And a cape.

No one is sure how long he was in that deep state of cosplay, but he wasn’t coming out of it easily. He was neck deep in those personalities; He was Lara Croft, who was Elvis Presley and there was no convincing him otherwise. The on-staff police psychologist in Memphis tried to snap him out of the Elvis part of the delusion by taking him to the grave of Elvis Presley. She thought that showing Sean that Elvis was dead would conclusively break the Elvis cosplay’s hold on his mind. As they finally approached the headstone, Sean scanned it and upon realizing that Elvis was dead, turned to the psychologist and said, “Are we in Heaven?”

Apparently, she hadn’t anticipated the Kung-Fu grip of the cosplay mind virus. Sean furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment. The psychologist stood by silently as Sean posited another theory, “Or maybe we’re both ghosts. Do you think ghosts can make-out? Want to try?”

After that the police called us in to get our professional assessment, since at least one of us took a psychology class in college. After the long drive to Tennessee, we finally saw Sean for the first time since the whole ordeal began. He was definitely different, yet he was still wearing women’s clothing, just as we always remembered. I tried to talk to him, hoping to understand what was happening to our friend, but all Sean kept repeating was that he had a “hunka hunka burning love” in his pants and that he was going to use it to “raid some tombs”.

David walked over towards Sean with a determined look on his face. David clearly had a plan and that plan, as executed in front of my own eyes, was as follows: 1) Be very angry. 2) Punch Sean in the ear so hard that he screams in the most girlish way imaginable and passes out.

Well, it worked. When Sean woke up he was confused and not sure why he was dressed as Lara Croft or Elvis, but we had the old Sean back. As he looked at David and I with recognition, David said, “Write your goddamn Minecraft article, asshole.” David then turned to me and said, “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Sean sat motionless on the ground as David and I began walking back to the car. Trying to cheer him up, I told Sean, “You’re no longer legally a pedophile, champ,” flashing him the double thumbs up. Sean just starred at me blankly, as drops of blood ran from his ear, down his face, and onto the Elvis cape he clutched to his Lara Croft bosoms.

Once David and I got in the car, we didn’t stop until we were back in DC. We’re pretty sure Sean’s still in Tennessee and probably writing some sort of article about Minecraft or dressing up like a slutty anime character. Either way, it’s good to have the old, fruity Sean back.

Comments are closed.

'StacheCast: Every Tuesday!
RSS | iTunes

One Last Missive

One Last Missive

A transmission for those who are lost.

Let's Play: Every Friday!

Portal 2: Peer Review – Part 6

Portal 2: Peer Review – Part 6

Seriously, let's play Portal 2.

6. “Urine?”
Big surprise, we solved some puzzles. Bigger surprise? We didn’t spend a good fifteen minutes staring at the walls in hopes of figuring it out. Yup, we really had our genius hats on for this one, right up until our enlarged genius-brain filled heads couldn’t fit through the exit door. Then we took off our genius caps and promptly realized we were still morons.