Telling you what we’re doing now, so you don’t have to go looking!

Our final Episode!

David finishes Limbo, Sean watches Safe House, Asif watches Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp! We also tangent it up into The Avengers, Scarlet Johansson’s sweet curves, Galactus, our audiences aggressive boners, and Sean’s new podcast at CHHHKK.com.

It’s been fun, everybody! We’ll be posting up more information about our two new podcasts soon. Don’t be strangers!

• I’m only showing Lancelot Link because it’s the only thing that matters in history.
  

David’s got a cold, but the gents manage to discuss Slumber Party Massacre, a grabbag of games, why some companies deserve BrainAIDSCancer, and much more!

We review evidence regarding Sean’s near miss with a Devil’s Threesome, talk about David’s weekend movie marathon (including Horrible Bosses, Harold & Kumar 3D, and 50/50), Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective, and some boring game Sean played.

Notes:

• It was Double Trouble!
  
  

  Wasted youth. POP-POP!

• Horrible Bosses trailer:
  
• Harold & Kumar:
  
• Party Down, both seasons, on Netflix. GO.
• 50/50:
  
• Dear God, it’s based on the dude’s life.
• And yes, Bryce Dallas Howard is Ron Howard’s very hot daughter.
• Orcs Must Die, I guess:
  
• Help Sean get cable. Call today.

We talk about Drive, tons of sandwiches, a TV show grab-bag, The Grey, a couple iOS detective games, and Sean’s Trial in Asif’s court next week.

• Drive got snubbed harder than a thing that gets snubbed hard.
• Oh, damn. Lookit that scowl.
  
• Party Down:
  
• The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Ouch:
  
• The Grey, right before Liam Neeson forces survivors to eat his poop.
  
• Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective trailer:
  
• Gemini Rue trailer:
  

This week, Sean sends David into a deep depression with his review of Melancholia, we recoil at the thought of Willem’s gigantic Dafong, we talk video games, Richard Cheese, and a bunch of other amazing things.

• Judging by this trailer, I’ve no idea what prompted Sean to watch this movie:
  
• Requiem for a Dream… just… no.
• I am Sean’s Swollen Colon:
  
• Yes, Willam Defoe has a huge dong, apparently.
• The people of Melancholia, everybody!
  
• Default Saint’s Row post.
• Limericks aren’t hard, folks.
• I don’t know. Roboblitz Demo:
  
• Richard Cheese, everybody!
  
• Stop what you’re doing. Listen to this Ron Swanson rap:
  
• Breaking Bad wrap parties kick ass.

To ring in our 30th Episode, we’re joined by the gents (using that term loosely here) from the 40′s & 20′s Podcast! We (kind of) talk about Jekyll, some video games, and lots of nonsense.

Notes!

• Many Disappoints:
  
• The Rat Tail. Help us all.
• Literal tail, all the way!
  
• Some odd, rat tail infested shit here:
  
• Don’t know why I’m bothering with this. Jekyll Trailer:
  
• Thank you, Jesus. If this is a sampling of what 2012 will be like, we’re in for a great ride.
• George Lucas’s decision center:
  
• Just a cup o’ energy?
  
• Nerds. Prepare to NEEEERRRRRRDDDD.
  
• He passes his sword to his son, before he passes his other sword to his wife.
  
• SHARE THE LOAD. (NSFW)(LOTR)(GROSS)
• Us not sucking at Portal 2 for once.

Weeks ago, before the holiday break, you may remember we ran a Photoshop contest, involving Sean and some amount of Saint’s Row: The Third.

We sifted through virtually dozens of entries, by which I mean two, and pulled out some winners.

First, our second place entry by no other than Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com:

Looks like he needs his diaper changed, but he's not wearing a diaper.

For his gallant effort, Brian will be winning a spanking new copy of DustForce on Steam.

Our first place winner was Yuri of the Hex 19 Geekcast for the following classiness:

Sean Draper always knows what he's doing... making everyone in the room incredibly uncomfortable.

While Yuri’s entry technically wasn’t an entry for that contest, it warmed my cold heart with so much Sean Draper goodness, that Yuri won the coveted grand prize, a sexy new copy of Saint’s Row: The Third on Steam!

Thanks for your entries, guys, and keep up the fantasticness. We’ll also be talking about this and more on the podcast next week.

This week, we try a new format, talk about the lunacy of SOPA and PIPA, Asif talks about the battery-draining game X, David exalts The League, and Sean Seans it up. Diversions along the way include sofas and pee pee, horrible things regarding children, replacing adjectives and nouns with “Drake”, and more!

Noooootes:

• The Stooges knew what the deal was:
  
• Learn more about SOPA & PIPA
• Learn even more about this awfulness.
• Articulating SOPA & PIPA to scale:
  
• I definitely meant Rick Grimes not Frank Grimes.
• Sean, The Whitest Hitch:
  
• Miyamoto: “I think that the first 30 minutes of a game is the most important. It’s the producers job to make sure it’s exciting.”
• Nick Drake is the Pink Moon guy.
• H.R. Pufnstuf was some horrifying shit:
  
• Oh, dear god…
  

6. “Urine?”
Big surprise, we solved some puzzles. Bigger surprise? We didn’t spend a good fifteen minutes staring at the walls in hopes of figuring it out. Yup, we really had our genius hats on for this one, right up until our enlarged genius-brain filled heads couldn’t fit through the exit door. Then we took off our genius caps and promptly realized we were still morons.

We’re back! Without the dead, awkward weight of Sean, David and Asif blast back from the holidays to discuss Tucker & Dale vs Evil, Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows, a bunch more Saint’s Row: The Third, and some Serious Sam 3. As usual, we make stops along the way, which include a healthy dose of Santorum, rampant sexism, and Stephen Fry’s ass.

Notes!

• Freezing it up, with our very own Sean:
  
• A Viewer’s Guide to The Room
• Tucker & Dale vs Evil trailer:
  
• Alan Tudyk. Never forget (how awesome he is).
• BEES?
  
• Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows trailer:
  
• You can skip over this, honestly. Work It trailer:
  
• Spread the word about Rick Santorum.
• We can only hope that Work It gets cancelled. Looks likely.
• Whoa. Super Meat Boy meets VVVVVV!
• More Saint’s Row: The Third zaniness.
• A little late on this one, but Ocean Marketing and Penny Arcade.

5. “Some Brand of a Pickle”
This is the episode where we cover everything in white goo. A puzzle is probably solved at some point, but it’s hard to tell for sure when you’re wiping a mysterious white liquid out of your eyes. Look for the next episode soon in which we deal with a terrible case of pink eye.

4. “The Globy Stuff”
Sometimes, while watching back these test chambers, a possible puzzle solution is presented that is so harebrained it’s hard to know if it was originally some sort of joke or if it actually seemed like a viable option inside someone’s head. There’s a moment near the end of this test chamber where Asif postulates setting up a series of portals so senseless, that if it were to have been actually executed, Portal 2 may have crashed out of principle. Needless to say, we solved the puzzle, without the need to create some sort of reality-altering idiot-hole out of portals.

On most websites, the holiday season is marked by a flurry of new updates, usually in the form of a list of the year’s best things, or some hastily put together holiday-themed post – probably a top ten list – in which Santa makes an appearance just to reinforce the creepy, omnipresent nature of an old unkempt man, who likes to have kids sit on his lap and tell him their deepest desires. Well, after some discussion amongst ourselves, we’ve decided to blaze our on trail and steer clear of the pedophilia craze that seems to be so popular these days. Flying in the face of convention, we’ll be commemorating the holiday season by doing far less than what you’ve come to expect and taking a short break from podcasting.

Honestly, talking in front of a microphone and saying whatever pops into our heads is hard work. Additionally, with all of the top ten lists being produced all over the Internet that we have to read, we basically don’t have the time to record a podcast. That said, you can still expect the usual torrent of updates to continue. That mostly means that you can keep enjoying our weekly video where you watch us play a videogame. It’s basically like playing a videogame yourself, but if you remove the game and just keep the video part. If that’s not enough for you, feel free to hold a 360 controller in your hands and make dumbass comments; it’ll be like we’re playing together.

The podcast will be back shortly. While you’re waiting, have a nice whatever it is you might be celebrating. If you’re like me and are celebrating absolutely nothing, feel free to continue responding “you too” to anyone who wishes you a happy holiday and not mean it.

3. “Capturing Mayhem”
In a shocking turn of events, more puzzles are solved. In an even more shocking turn of events, one or both of us fall into a toxic pit of liquid doom. That danger is just part of the contract you sign when solving puzzles for a psychotic A.I. who doesn’t care if you live or, after melting into a pile of mangled metal, live some more.

Earlier this week, we announced a super-awesome Photoshop contest in which you take one of the the following photos of our very own Sean and combine it with something related to Saint’s Row:

All you have to do is take one of the above pictures, combine it with Saint’s Row in some tangible fashion, we’ll pick our favorite ‘shop, and the selected entry will win a copy of Saint’s Row: The Third on Steam. Simple, right?

The contest will end Sunday, December 18th, so get your ass in Photoshopping gear, and submit your entry today!

Email your entry to contest@thickmoustache.com for your chance to win.

I stumbled innocently (read: lazily) across this post on Reddit, promoting a new indie game, Pid, and was immediately taken aback. Take a look for yourself:

A stylish platformer whose trailer seemingly mocks that pretentious shit Limbo, and does so with style and grace? Well, slap my ass and call me Janice! Add to that what looks like a genuinely unique game with Portal 2-esque co-op puzzle solving mode (I’m speculating wildly, piss off), and I reckon we’ve got a winner, folks!

Obviously, we’re going to have to see what they let slip of the actual game, but I’ll be goddamned if they didn’t charm me within about 13 seconds of taking my pants off, and they didn’t even buy me dinner. Well done, Might and Delight. Well done.

This week, Asif and David discuss the wacky, wonderful world of Saint’s Row: The Third, David talks about the “Paul Ruddathon” he and some friends had over the weekend, Sean plays Terraria, then gives us a S.P.A.Z. update, and we announce our first real contest, where you can win a copy of Saint’s Row: The Third on Steam!

• Sean, one week ago:
  
  
• A Magical Evening with Brian Belida.
• Just so you know how piss-poor our Andy Rooney impressions are:
  
  
• Our Idiot Brother Trailer:
  
  
• An animated gif of Rashida Jones and Zooey Deschanel kissing. You’re welcome, Sean.
• Dinner for Schmucks trailer. It doesn’t translate the awkward.
  
  
• Terraria Trailer:
  
  
• Jeb is the new lead Minecraft developer.
• Sean + Saint’s Row: The Third + Photoshop = Contest! Photoshop Sean using the provided image (or this one) into some nonsense involving Saint’s Row, and you can win a copy of Saint’s Row: The Third on Steam! Email contest@thickmoustache.com to win.

2. “You First, Buddy.”
Deftly avoiding being crushed to death, we get back to the task of solving some puzzles. We remember feeling like real geniuses after having solved this room, but watching it back we feel like VIP passengers in the short bus express. Near the end, when the puzzle is all but solved, we use our junior detective skills to overcome the biggest challenge facing us: making the laser redirect cube face the right way. It only took us three minutes, which apparently is the average time to solve that leg of the puzzle for people sleeping with their faces on their keyboards.

Brian (from Nitrobeard.com) and I got into Saint’s Row: The Third‘s Co-op last night for some manic good times involving crashing planes into each other, base jumping, stealing cars, throwing people at said cars, and generally stirring up a good ol’ fashioned pot o’ trouble. We managed to complete one mission, but the real fun was causing havoc and the occasional side-quest. Despite insane amounts of lag and weirdly glitchy pop-in, we had an immensely good (albeit immensely violent) time.

So, to illustrate to you why you should immediately run out and buy the living shit out of this game, let’s take a little trip down short-term memory lane and run through some of the screenshots I took from my magical evening with Brian and Saint’s Row: The Third.

This is obviously the straightest thing that two men can do with an evening.

Brian celebrates the explosion that led to this... with AIR GUITAR.

Surprisingly, this worked out well, despite losing a wing.

Two gents, out for an evening of smart, sophisticated fun. Namely, shooting strangers.

We never did clear that jump... but crashing repeatedly was fun.

To serve and protect... or something. It was self-serve, mostly.

Like Teen Wolf before him, Brian deftly defies conventions.

Because he's the hero Saint's Row deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dong Knight.

Why are you still reading this? Go play Saint’s Row!

1. “Are There New Things?”
We embark on a new journey in the wonderful world of Portal. We solved the first puzzle – actually finding the DLC – pretty quickly and thought everything was going to be as easy, but then they went and added lasers, which make most situations more complicated. Child birth, for example, is a lot more difficult once you throw in a few lasers. I’ll let you use your imagination to picture where those lasers are coming from, but it goes without saying that no matter what the configuration of face blasting lasers, they make things a little more dicey and a lot more unhygienic in the delivery room.

While solving puzzles, we also learn a few things, like if you are having a baby, with or without lasers, you don’t want David to deliver your new born child; he’s probably going to drop them on their head into a pit of flesh-melting slime. That’s a really complex way of expressing the idea that David can’t catch. So, unless your baby is going to respawn after disintegrating, it’s probably best to hire a professional baby catcher.

Sean’s puking his guts out, so David and Asif do a bit of a grab bag episode, David issues an ultimatum to The Walking Dead, they discuss Super 8, and Asif plays Star Wars: The Old Republic, which weirds him out a bit.

Notes!

• Get it. Watch it. It’s good.
• Well, The Walking Dead didn’t disappoint (HUGE SPOILER ALERT).
• Here’s Ted Levine AKA Buffalo Bill… I’m not posting a link to that gif.
• Star Wars: The Old Republic:

• The Legendary MacGuffin
• TROGDOOOOOOR!!!
• Patrick Stewart on Extras:

• Solving Portal puzzles, as illustrated by The Wire:

• Alfie, The Pacifist Talking Bone Dragon in Skyrim:

Asif and David discuss more Skyrim, a bit of Saint’s Row: The Third, and Assassin’s Creed: Revelations. Sean does nothing but work. Again.

Show notes!

• Amazing Skill Shot:
  
  
• Voice Actor Wes Johnson’s AMA on Reddit.
• The joy I experienced watching this was… indescribable.
  
  
• As was the joy from this:
  
  
• Oh, hai there.
• Liam Neeson on Life’s Too Short
  
  
• BORING:
  
  
• Totally not boring:
  
  

10. “Going Home”
Our quest finally comes to an end, but not before things go terribly wrong. Repeatedly. We tried not to cheat, but when push came to shove and a wall of lava engulfed David, we started cheating like there was no tomorrow. We held out for as long as possible, but there’s only so much Minecraft-related adventure any one group of people can take before deciding that they’d rather take part in the real life adventure of getting out of their chairs before their leg muscles atrophy. So, in the end, cheating won and so did we.

[As usual, we're joined by Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

This week, Asif and David tell tales of their adventures in Skyrim and Sean weeps because he doesn’t have Skyrim.

Links!

• What happens when Giants fight guards in Skyrim:
  
  
• Our pals over at Nitrobeard.com’s ongoing feature, This Week in Skyrim (jankiness).
• There is a Subreddit for everything!
• I actually keep thinking this, but always go, “OH, that kind of hide.”
  
  
• How to Conquer a Dragon in Skyrim.

9. “Not a Dong”
We enter the home stretch, just in time to solve more puzzles involving placing blocks of wool. It was hard to contain our excitement or our desire to maybe just jump in a pit of lava and call it a day, but somehow, with a little help from our old friend TNT, we pulled through. It all leads into an exciting conclusion where we resurrect the corpse of Professor Grizwald with voodoo magic, so we can kick him in the crotch.

[As usual, we're joined by Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

While being busy not writing anything for this site, Skyrim Day kind of snuck up on us. We were going to do a series of hard hitting articles leading up to the release of Skyrim entitled “Skyrim or Skyrim-job?”, but laziness kicked in, one thing led to another, and we decided to scrap the whole idea in favor of taking a nap. Besides, every game site on the Internet had jumped on the hype train and thoroughly covered Skyrim before release. Also, we had no access to the game before today. In hindsight, that may have impacted our decision more than being incredibly lazy.

Well, the game is out now, and after some time with it I can confidently declare: not bad! As of right now I’ve completed about 1/1,000,000,000th of what the game has to offer, but it’s already differentiated itself by letting me create a black character that isn’t inherently evil in a fantasy game. Thankfully, its character creator also let me take that black character and effortlessly turn him into a white man. I figure dragons are already trying to kill me, so I’ve got enough problems.

Though, on the whole, the game presents a surprisingly progressive world where a creepy lizard man can bang a cat lady and no one cares. Still, it’s pretty gross if you think about it. Luckily, it’s easy not to think about that in a world where there’s so much to do and so many things to stab with a sword.

Not long ago, before Lord of the Rings became a part of popular culture and HBO had a hit fantasy show, it would have been pretty embarrassing to be excited about Skyrim in public. The world has changed and the fat, sweaty, chocolate-engorged nerds of yesterday are the fat, sweaty, chocolate-engorged trendsetters of today. Now, it’s perfectly acceptable to talk about dragons and stabbing an orc with a sword without having to speak in hushed tones. Skyrim tests the limits of this newfound nerd freedom and things seem fine right up until someone says the word “Dragonborn” out loud. Then, a thick layer of shame inevitably covers everyone involved. It’s unavoidable. Dragonborn is the nerdiest, nerd shit anyone has ever thought up. So, I guess on top of all of their other accomplishments Bethesda can add that to the list.

Thank you, Mr. Ford.

[Source: Deadline]

This week, David and Asif discuss the wilds of Baltimore, where David saw Louis CK live for the 5th time. Next, we chat up the Humble Indie Bundle, Nitrobeard’s baby-daddies, and Voxatron Alpha. Finally, Asif talks about his experience playing Uncharted 3.

Holy Links!

• Louis CK on Conan:
  
  
• An accurate depiction of Baltimore.
• Baltimore: Believe in Trash
• Night of the Living Homeless:
  
  
• Holy crap, Nitrobeards!
• Uncharted 3 Gameplay:
  
  
• We’re on the 40s and 20s podcast this week. Those sexy gays.

8. “Dirty Lying Cheaters”
We escape from the challenge of blowing things up inside a volcano, like lunatics with a death wish, only to find ourselves smack dab in the middle of more adventure. Before we embark on a completely gratuitous mine cart ride, we try and assess the limerick contest submissions. It turns out the Internet is full of cheaters and liars. Good work, guys. The only prize you’re getting is testicular cancer, which we’ll be mailing to your homes.

[As usual, we're joined by Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

David’s sick (and not just in the head this time)! David and Asif discuss The Rum Diary, and explain to Sean why Hunter S. Thompson is awesome, get back into Batman: Arkham City, and discuss Batman’s lack of logic, as well as his amazing ultra-violence. Sean nearly weeps over Sword of Stars 2, and its inability to launch.

Notes for Show:

• The Rum Diary Trailer

• Will Ferrell. Robert Goulet.
• Will Ferrell. Plums. Enjoy the Will Ferrell outtake marathon that is sure to ensue.

• Apparently, Asif wanted some pizza when he mentioned “Large Papa“.
• Crazy Cage Commercial:

• Also, Crazy Schwarzenegger:

• Best Friends Play Batman: Arkham City, because why not?

• Weird blog post by Sword of Stars 2 developer. Lady, you’ve got other options.

7. “Hot Magma Shaft”

The gang heads to the final challenge and it’s a fiery volcano – a volcano full of puzzles, that all involve placing dynamite in a volcano. If that sounds like a terrible idea it’s because it is. You don’t even need to envision a volcano wall bleeding hot magma, eventually engulfing the entire adventure team, leaving behind only a steaming pile of bones, to know that it’s terrible. This episode also ends with a shocking twist that, like many horror movies and other things related to Halloween, will have you crying out, “Out of memory error?” Spooky.

[Featuring Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

Misogyny aside, I enjoyed Batman: Arkham City. It really captures what it’s like to step into the shoes of the Caped Crusader. By shoes, I mean thug-tromping boots, maniac-strangling gloves, and whimper-inducing cowl. There’s something amazingly satisfying about jumping into a group of jerks and beating them until they need colostomy bags.

One time, I hit a guy so hard he got stuck in a wall.

Can Batman hit a thug so hard that he can't remove him from the wall he hit him into? Yes.

Being Batman is awesome.

This week, the fellows discuss Sean’s incorrect use of words, rehash The Thing, go on to discuss Batman: Arkham City, and get once again cut off while talking about Rage.

Notes for show!

• “Yonic” not “Yannick”, and we couldn’t find it because Sean’s pronouncing it wrong!
• Rotten Tomatoes, at least 2 of 3 of us disagree about The Thing.
• It all ends very Nell:
  
  
• Batman: Arkham City gameplay trailer:
  
  
• Batman: Arkham City director defending the awful Catwoman crap. Just the code, though, not the content.
• Sexism? Ok, Film Crit Hulk makes some good points.
• Batman, you scary.
  
  
• Penguin, you gross and annoying.
  
  
• The website reporting the Toby Maguire thing is pink, so take it with a grain of salt.
• IGN Rage review:
  
  

6. “Death By Arrow”

We went looking for adventure and died in a hail of arrow fire for our troubles. I guess that’s the sort of thing that happens when you exploring ancient ruins with a reckless disregard for personal safety. Our first mistake? We forgot our safety goggles at home. Our second mistake? Everything that happened after that.

[Featuring Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

Can you smell that? The excitement. In the air. It hangs over this announcement as a fine musk. As sort of a sultry fog that reminds me of the bathrooms in junior high or the aroma of a paper mill that wafts over the area, making everything smell like rotten eggs and farts.

Sure, your brain gets excited because your nose is receiving new information, but the fact remains that it still fucking stinks, which is exactly what Hulu does.

The good news is that you may be able to watch some new things on your Wii and/or 3DS soon. The bad news is that, unless huge changes have been made, Hulu Plus is still a bag of trash.

[Source: Techcrunch]

David and Asif interview their long, lost colleague, Sean, and inquire about his hydration levels. The gents then move on to Community‘s latest episode, Sean talks about The Thing prequel, David rants about Breaking Bad‘s finale, and more on The Binding of Isaac.

Notes:

• Den of Geek review of Community S03E04.
• Inside Breaking Bad‘s Season Finale (Major Spoilers)
• Replacing Breaking Bad‘s meth with a crap-ton of zombie.
• The Thing 2011 trailer:
  
  
• Here’s a link to The Binding of Isaac on Steam. Go buy it.

Sadly, Breaking Bad‘s finale was last week, and while I maintain that it was the single finest hour of television ever broadcast, it has left a gaping meth-shaped hole in my Sunday evening addiction routine. Fortunately, AMC has crammed a horde of zombies into that meth hole, and I didn’t even have to dole out handjobs in a truck stop bathroom to get it!

Keeping spoilers to a minimum, the season premiere dives directly into what The Walking Dead does best, which is make you want to crap your pants with tension as very little actually happens. Straight away, our survivors are on the road again, and need to scavenge from a cluster of cars for gas and more supplies. This leads to a tense standoff when a horde of Walkers wander through the area, leaving the group hiding beneath cars as the corpses shuffle by. Add that to a startling and amazingly violent confrontation that ends with Andrea shanking a zombie repeatedly. In the eye. With a screwdriver.

As early as Season One Episode One, The Walking Dead got it right. Rick awakens to this fresh hell of a world and winds up caught in a pitch-black hospital stairwell, with only a book of matches to light his way. I can’t recall ever feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin due to cinematic tension more than each time a match extinguished, plunging Rick back into darkness, and me into needing a clean pair of shorts. Naturally, this was all with the existing knowledge that nothing could happen to Rick, but I’ll be goddamned if I wasn’t concerned for his safety and my own sanity when he finally cracked the door of the exit to reveal piles of rotting corpses and abandoned military vehicles. This kind of tension is addictive, and the slow burn that they’ve managed to achieve with punctuations of good ol’ fashioned zombified ultra-violence has me fiending for more every week.

Unlike Breaking Bad, though, I’m afraid to get too addicted to The Walking Dead. Frank Darabont, the man who brought the comic to television, was ousted as show-runner roughly halfway through Season Two’s production, and I’m worried that suddenly this pure, uncut, Columbian-grade tension I’ve come to love will be watered down with cheap scares.

Whatever the case, we’ve got at least a half season of solid, zombie-infested greatness to go, and hopefully the moving parts that are left intact are enough to keep The Walking Dead‘s quality sustained. If not, we’ll be the first ones to jump on the lazy reporting bandwagon and pepper an entire article with crappy zombie puns.

5. “The Contest Begins”

After completing the Trial of the Mind, the adventurers head back to their skull-shaped base of operations. After a brief rest, the crew tries to scratch their adventuring itch by heading to the balls of Professor Grizwald’s map. What will they find nestled in there? Adventure? Dirty limerick contests? Jimmy Hoffa’s bones? Nope. Just a bunch of pressure plates ready to fire white, hot death directly in their faces.

[Featuring Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

David and I played the new Portal 2 DLC last night. Needless to say, we solved some puzzles, had some laughs, and murdered each other for science. All in all, it was good, clean fun.

Unbeknown to us and our innocent minds, Portal has a dark side, outside of all the times GLaDOS implies she would be pretty much fine if you were dead or when I tried to put a portal under David’s feet in such a way that he fell directly into a pit of insta-death acid. It seems that the junior detectives of the Internet have figured out that Portal 2 originally had a rape scene involving Cave Johnson and Caroline that was later cut from the game. Why would Valve cut a rape scene from in between all of the jokes not about rape? Portal 2 writer Erik Wolpaw has an answer.

“There’s some piece of dialogue in there where Carolyn is saying ‘No, no, no, I don’t want this. I don’t want this,’” Wolpaw said. “And there’s some kind of story on the Internet that apparently people think has been verified that there was a scene where Cave Johnson was raping Carolyn, and that J.K. Simmons wouldn’t read the dialogue, so that’s why we don’t have it [in the game]. Apparently these are people who never saw [prison drama] Oz. J.K. Simmons will do anything if you pay him.

To verify Erik Wolpaw’s statements, we called J.K. Simmons’ agent to find out if he would take a steaming dump in the mouth of whoever came up with the Portal 2 rape rumor. The only questions his agent asked us? How much would we pay and would there be a craft service table.

[Source: GameSpot]

I could say a lot of things about the new trailer for The Avengers. One of those things is, “Holy explosions, Iron Man!” because holy hell, that was a lot of exploding. Don’t take my word for it, look!

From the looks of the trailer, Earth is invaded by explosion monsters from space or something. From what I’ve actually read, it has something to do with Loki, the god of mischief, coming down to wrangle up some mischief. Mission accomplished, Loki. Explosion-based mischief accomplished.

Ultimately, my suspicion is that this will be the hugest fan-service movie ever created, what with Joss Whedon at the helm, both writing and directing. Joss Whedon, for those of you who’re completely unaware was the guy behind some of the greats of the last so many years including, but not limited to, Firefly and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog.

Between him and the fact that they got Robert Downey Jr. back, sign me up. I’ve honestly no idea how they’re going to pull this off, but I’m more than willing to give it a chance and enjoy the ride. 2011 was a great year for Marvel movies, and it’s looking like 2012′s not going to be so bad, either, at least where The Avengers is concerned. The rest of the releases, however… not looking so optimistic. Ghost Rider is getting a sequel (with Nicholas Cage), and that Spider-Man movie looks terrible. I’d just like to reiterate Ghost Rider is getting a sequel.

The Avengers still looks fine. Let’s just focus on that and maybe that other crap will squeak by like a weak fart.

This week, David and Asif interview Chris Trew, the Co-Owner | Head Writer | Musician | Producer/Actor of Studio8 and The New Movement, and host of the Air Sex Championships! Then they’re onto The Binding of Isaac, Rage, and Sean’s bout of explosive diarrhea.

Links!

• The Air Sex Championship (NSFW):

• Chris Trew’s Website
• The Tommy Wi-show, Episode 3:

• The Binding of Isaac Gameplay Trailer:

• Dead Baby Dressup (NSFW)
• SNES Mortal Kombat Fatalities:

• Portal 2 DLC
• Rage on Breaking Bad:

• The Adventures of Sam B:

Rumors, if not full-on reports, have surfaced claiming that the 23rd season of The Simpsons may be its last, and I have only one response to that: Good. The shambling corpse that remains has dragged the show I used to love through the mud long enough. I’m going to come off like an old fart here, but get off of my lawn, sit down, shut up and listen.

It’s not that the newer seasons didn’t have their moments. I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that they lack the heart of the earlier seasons. The Simpsons used to be about something. Sure, there has always been a certain irreverence, but when it came down to it, you cared about what happened to this family every week, and they cared about each other. Sure, Homer strangled Bart, but it was only for a moment, and only in blinding rage. Not, for instance, like this:

Whatever happened to interesting lessons on religion, infidelity, love, or moral choices? It’s like they took one glance at The Family Guy and decided to go full retard.

No matter how completely awful The Simpsons has become, it’s still a money and ratings behemoth. Only recently was its reign drawn even slightly into question, and that seems to be due to stalled negotiations with the voice actors. Fox is apparently refusing to pay $8 million per year, per actor, saying they want to cut each actor’s salary to a “meager” $4 million. The cast is balking at this, while they beat out their frustrations on punching bags filled with $100 dollar bills.

At this point, Fox is loudly pondering canceling it not because the stars don’t deserve the money, or because the crap train The Simpsons has become has run out of steam, but because it’d be a more sound decision fiscally. If they shut down the dinosaur and let it live its bedraggled days out in syndication, it’d actually make Fox (and likely Matt Groening) a crap-ton more money for zero effort, and would allow them to shove Family Guy or some other god-awful monstrosity into the coveted 8 o’clock spot.

Let’s face it, The Simpsons has been dead for over 10 years. I don’t really care if it’s a retarded contract dispute or the Armageddon, it’s time to shoot that fucking corpse in the face and make sure to double-tap it so the goddamned thing doesn’t get up again.

[Source: The Washington Post]

3. “Puzzle Fatigue”

We execute our Shawshank-style escape, dragging our way through the final stretch of the poop covered puzzle sewer, before emerging from the ground and being cleansed by a purifying rain. As we raise our hands to the sky, Freedom’s breeze blowing against our puzzle-worn faces, we cry out, “Puzzles can take it in the rear!”

[Once again, featuring Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.]

This Tuesday, join us as we interview Chris Trew, the Co-Owner | Head Writer | Musician | Producer/Actor of Studio8! You might remember Studio8 as the collective of madmen behind Tommy Wiseau-fueled works, The House That Drips Blood on Alex and The Tommy Wi-Show.

As Chris’s site puts it:

Terp2it/Chris Trew is a nationally touring comedian, rapper, actor, improv teacher and world heavyweight champion of the world. He’s performed at almost every comedy festival in the country and is a founding member of The New Movement, owners and operators of comedy training centers and theater in Austin and New Orleans. He is the host of the Air Sex World Championships and founder of Studio8, a sketch comedy group who’s appeared on Comedy Central. A writer for the Austin Chronicle once said “Chris Trew is out of his fucking mind.” Continue reading for more information (and links) on Chris’ projects.

Chris has been performing sketch comedy with Studio8 since 2000. They’ve appeared at several film festivals and often on Comedy Central’s Atom TV. They’ve produced a feature-length film, a weekly satirical newspaper at Louisiana State University and continue to put out new material every week on their website. Some favorites are here and here and here and below. One time a reporter from the Onion A.V. Club saw Chris perform and said that he “boldly explores that blurry line between humor and performance art.”

With a résumé like that, we’ll have quite a few questions for Mr. Trew. Obviously, we’re excited to have such an epically Thick Moustachioed fellow joining us on the ‘StacheCast, so listen in Tuesday, October 11th. Your entertainment cajones will thank you.

As we tweeted yesterday, and as reported by The Hollywood Reporter, NBC has mercifully decided to cancel The Playboy Club and put an end to the torment that those watching it were undoubtedly suffering.

Frankly, it should be considered an American achievement that no one watched this dumb ass show. On the surface, you’d think that a show about Playboy bunnies would be a no-brainer hit, but if they’re not jumping on trampolines or getting into pillow fights, who’s going to be watching? Feminists?

Apparently not, because (as you may recall) Gloria Steinem called for an all-out boycott on the show, not to mention a similar calls for boycott from the Parents Television Council (PTC). Naturally, between Steinem and the PTC, someone’s going to be claiming credit for the disastrous ratings that the show was receiving. I can almost hear cries of victory being spewed forth from their stupid faces already. “Take that, indecency!” and “Eat a dick, Hugh Hefner!”

Look, I don’t know a lot about ratings, but a drop from 5 million to 3.8 million viewers after one week means only one thing: Your show is a bag of shit. Plus, call me crazy, but I don’t think there are 500 people listening to these boycott d-bags, let alone 1.2 million. Seriously, who even knew Gloria Steinem was still around, let alone who the PTC was, or that either of them actually gave a crap about The Playboy Club?

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t take boycotts or outrage to get shows cancelled, it just takes crappy writing and a stupid premise. Name one successful show that has been cancelled due to controversy generated by one of these groups, and I’ll personally send those asshats over at PTC fifty bucks.

[Source: The Hollywood Reporter]

3. “Puzzling Dongs”

We continue our journey through the Challenge of the Mind and find ourselves performing the impenetrable mental gymnastics required to solve a dong-shaped puzzle. Try as we might, the math just wouldn’t add up to anything phallic. We tried to use a calculator but the closest result we got was “BOOBS”.

This week, we regrettably won’t have a podcast. We’re so sorry that we’re doing something to make it up to you.

We’ll be putting up not one Let’s Play (featuring Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com) this week, but two! Enjoy one today and one at our regularly scheduled time, Friday.

The ‘StacheCast will return next week, and we’re working on getting a very special guest to join us, so stick around for details.

Until then, relive some older episodes of the ‘StacheCast right here.

Nancy Grace. Wardrobe Malfunction.

Gross.

[Source: USA Today]

Once again, we’re joined by Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com as we discuss the horrors of The Tommy Wi-show, Asif talks about the very macho Gears of War 3, and we discuss the joys of making Minecraft Let’s Plays.

Links!

• The Tommy Wi-show, Episode 1:
  
  
• John McCain Lizard Face:
  
  
• For the low, low price of $4.99: Freddy Krueger
• “Jackie” sounds exactly like “Danny”
• DE:HR’s Amazing, Melting Man!
• Developers! Developers! Developers!:
  
  
• Gears of War 3, Sweet and Grizzled:
  
  
• Ice T unboxing a bunch of Gears of War 3 crap:
  
  
• Go watch some nerds try on some fedoras.
• Creepy NPC villagers.
• Let’s Play Minecraft! Professor Grizwald & the Redstone Keys-Part One:
  
  
• Let’s Play Minecraft! Professor Grizwald & the Redstone Keys-Part Two:
  
  
• The Yogscast play Planetoids:
  
  

2. “The Puzzle Genius Society”

We came prepared for adventure, but instead we found our super smart adventuring minds pitted against puzzles for nerds. I guess you win this round, Mr. College Degree in Mathonomics. You also win this round if you’re a button, because sometimes they’re hard to press. In addition, slimes also win this round. If I’ve failed to mention you by name just assume you won, too.

Not content to just sell boxed games and magazine subscriptions anymore, GameStop continue to extend their reach farther and farther. Over the last several years, game retail has been shrinking and it’s no surprise. The grind of walking into a GameStop and surviving the interrogation of the GameStop Homicide Detective/Assistant Manager in order to earn the right to hand them money is obsolete when the only question Amazon asks is how fast do I want my game disc shot from a canon directly into my console’s disc drive. Steam just asks if it’s cool to upload pure enjoyment straight to the pleasure center of my brain. A neckbearded, high schooler in a red polo can’t compete with that.

Recently, GameStop has been using its mountains of money to buy their way into every game distribution frontier imaginable. They acquired a game streaming service and an online PC game retailer not too long ago. In the last few weeks, they’ve made a strong push into mobile gaming, by accepting all iOS devices as trade-ins, as well as preparing to sell a GameStop-approved android tablet. To avoid becoming completely marginalized and irrelevant like Blockbuster, GameStop is willing to conquer all possible avenues of the future, not by being good at anything, but just by throwing a lot of money around.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that’s wrong – in fact, I’m saying that’s great – especially if they want to throw a lot of money at this very site. We’ll say pretty much anything if it’s corporate sponsored, including out-and-out lies, like “GameStop is great”.

With GameStop throwing around all this money, it’s nice to know that when future games are beamed directly into our freaking heads, GameStop will probably be right there at the forefront, beaming some jackass into my skull to ask me about pre-orders. I’ll tell that future magic person in my head the same thing I tell the GameStop Sheriff Deputy/Sales Clerk and the magic people currently in my head: “If you say one more thing, I’m probably going to light someone on fire. With my mind.”

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Netflix has decided to launch their DVD service as a brand-new company called Qwikster. This has caused quite a stir, much like Netflix’s price hike earlier this year, and idiots people are angrily, and incoherently sputtering all across the internet, “What is wrong with you jerk-offs!?” Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as Netflix being greedy or their CEO, Reed Hastings, suddenly going verifiably insane.

Netflix is under tremendous pressure because studios want more money to license the movies and shows that people love so very much. As it turns out, when a product is in demand, and being the middle man is your primary business model, whoever is supplying that product has you bent bare-assed over his giant, pinstriped knee. Netflix doesn’t create any content, so it means studios can hold out for higher rates, while Netflix is left begging like a snot-nosed infant howling for candy and a diaper change.

In fact, that’s almost exactly what happened when Netflix and Starz couldn’t come to a rate agreement not long after Netflix hiked subscription rates. What people don’t seem to understand is that the mailing subscription business is slowing harder than the streaming service:

Netflix said it now expects 800,000 fewer DVD-only subscribers. It expects 200,000 fewer streaming-only members than it previously forecast.

This is partly the result of the price hike, but it’s likely also customers bailing on DVDs altogether. I see the Qwikster split as Netflix protecting their necks. So what is Qwikster providing that Netflix didn’t?

Video game rentals.

Suddenly, I have a reason to be interested in receiving things by mail again. As far as I know, only Blockbuster and Gamefly do video game rentals by mail, so this is Netflix (Qwikster) setting foot in a market they didn’t have before. And if Netflix’s history with Blockbuster is any indication, Blockbuster can look forward to getting spanked harder than a studio exec at his weekly dominatrix session. The other thing is that Gamefly only does video games, so if Qwikster winds up having a decent selection and a lower price point, Gamefly might have some competition. Plus, if I can order games or movies, I have every reason hit up Qwikster for that.

Ill will aside, Netflix has always been great for me, so rather than immediately blow up and rant and rave and piss and moan, I think I’ll reserve some cautious optimism and hope for the best. So far, the biggest downside I see to the whole thing is not being able to easily add movies from your instant queue to DVD, but honestly, if they don’t figure out a way to easily do that, maybe they really have lost their minds.

Even then, physical media is on the decline, so think about what’s actually going on before you break your head off in your own, angered ass. This might actually make sense for Netflix as a service and as a company as a whole. If not, you’re probably welcome to take your business elsewhere. Seriously, Reed Hastings told me that. He also said he was sorry and he’d do anything to keep you, baby… please don’t go.

This week, Asif talks about how Contagion is basically Crash with disease replacing racism, David glosses over Everything Must Go (much like you should) and talks about the Season 7 premiere of Always Sunny, and Sean finally plays DX:HR, which he thinks is “sweet” and/or “awesome”.

Links!

• Pandemic 2: Quest for Madagascar
• Unique Contagion Poster:

• Crash
• Lion King 3D Trailer:

• Starship Troopers 3 Trailer:

• Always Sunny with Fat Mac:

• Homer eats donuts in Hell:

• Apparently, Jimmy Changa’s is a thing…
• Adam Jensen: Augmented Jerk

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-17-sweet-andor-awesome/feed/ 0 Adam Jensen: Augemented Jerk,Always Sunny,Contagion,Crash,Deus Ex: Human Revolution,Donuts in Hell,Jimmy Changa's,Lion King 3D,Pandemic 2,racism,Starship Troopers,swawesome This week, Asif talks about how Contagion is Crash with disease replacing racism, David talks about the Season 7 premiere of Always Sunny, and Sean finally plays DX:HR, which he thinks is "sweet". This week, Asif talks about how Contagion is Crash with disease replacing racism, David talks about the Season 7 premiere of Always Sunny, and Sean finally plays DX:HR, which he thinks is "sweet". Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/professor-grizwald-and-the-redstone-keys-part-1/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/professor-grizwald-and-the-redstone-keys-part-1/#comments Tue, 20 Sep 2011 02:17:02 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=515

Asif and David join forces with Brian Belida of Nitrobeard to quench their undying thirst for adventure. In this episode, it seems Professor Grizwald is dead and we’ve got our hands on his mysterious journal. Before you ask, no, we didn’t kill Grizwald for his journal, but if we did we probably would have used his journal as the murder weapon – right in the solar plexus. Unfortunately, the syphilis took him first. Anyway, we adventure for fame and glory, only to discover that we’re terrible at it.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/professor-grizwald-and-the-redstone-keys-part-1/feed/ 3 http://thickmoustache.com/games/new-zelda-game-lasts-approximately-forever/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/new-zelda-game-lasts-approximately-forever/#comments Wed, 14 Sep 2011 03:18:28 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=513

I’ve played a lot of Zelda games. I’ve even enjoyed some of them. That said, I’m not sure what sort of mouth-breathing psychopath wants to play the tried and true, run into the ground formula of Zelda for 50 to 100 hours. Apparently, that’s how many hours of the Zelda formula you can expect from Skyward Sword. I’m sure that’s a huge selling point to someone who is not an adult. Well, I’m an adult and I’ve got things I have to do, Nintendo, like feed my addiction to nicotine patches and Nicorette gum.

I’ve never smoked cigarettes, but the idea of being addicted to something piqued my interest after hearing so many reports that videogames can cause drug-like addictions. I’ve played videogames for years, but suddenly I felt like I was missing out on something. Despite how many videogames I’ve played I’ve never felt the tug of the digital heroin on my soul. I needed something to fill the space in my heart where all the addiction is supposed to go.

I considered picking up smoking, but having to leave my chair – possibly several times an hour – made that a hard sell. So, I decided to forget the part where I had to stand outside in the cold, puffing on some burning paper, and went right to the addictive part. I bought a bunch of nicotine patches and Nicorette gum from the local CVS in the hopes of finding out which would be more effective in getting me hooked. Good news! They both work great. To put that in context, I’d punch a child right now for taking any of these fine products away from me.

So, Nintendo, if you think you can compete with crippling addiction, good luck. I’m an adult now. Playing as a pointy-eared man in a dress for a hundred hours isn’t doing it for me.

[Source: Joystiq]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/new-zelda-game-lasts-approximately-forever/feed/ 1 http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-16-the-bonercast/ http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-16-the-bonercast/#comments Tue, 13 Sep 2011 16:00:11 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=512

This week, David geeks out about the Minecraft 1.8 pre-release, the fellas get into some Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and take a tragic detour into Bonerville, with a serious conversation on the word “boner”. I wish I was kidding (no, I don’t).

And now, your linkage for the week!

• Minecraft 1.8 trailer:

• Golem, like Clayface from Batman, but Jewish.
• Racist Minecraft on Reddit, and Notch’s response.
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Three ways to play:

• The Boner. Serious stuff.
]]> http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-16-the-bonercast/feed/ 0 Batman,Bonerville,Deus Ex: Human Revolution,jewish,Minecraft,puppies,serious conversations This week, David geeks out about the Minecraft 1.8 pre-release, the fellas get into some Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and take a tragic detour into Bonerville, with a serious conversation on the word "boner". I wish I was kidding (no, I don't). This week, David geeks out about the Minecraft 1.8 pre-release, the fellas get into some Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and take a tragic detour into Bonerville, with a serious conversation on the word "boner". I wish I was kidding (no, I don't). Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-11/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-11/#comments Fri, 09 Sep 2011 22:07:23 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=508

11. Double Wrapped
The crew devises a plan to deal with the house full of horrifying beasts and it kind of works, right up until people start exploding into horrible messes. In fact, as David explodes, his arm flies off and punches a passing man right in the crotch. It’s terrible, but the creepers have a good laugh. After respawning, the gang heads back home before nightfall, just in time for Sean to live out his fantasy as George Washington puking on some guys. For a moment the episode was going to be called “Double Stuffed” but that’s just another one of Sean’s fantasies.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-11/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/the-future-is-now/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/the-future-is-now/#comments Fri, 09 Sep 2011 16:28:13 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=506

Indulge me for a moment and take a leisurely stroll to a more innocent time when our vision of the future was only limited to whatever Robert Zemeckis told us. Walk with me, if you will, back to the sunny year of 1989. I was a skinny, bright-eyed 8 year old when Back to the Future Part II hit the theaters, but the message it delivered so clearly was this: So long as Biff didn’t fuck everything up, we were going to have hover boards and awesome, self-tying shoes.

Things have changed, and that skinny little scamp has developed a beer gut, and the bright eyes have gone steely with cynicism and the crushing reality of the world, but one thing has never changed: I have always believed in Marty McFly. Finally, like some sort of beacon shining in the sky, like a reward from once forsaken gods, Nike has lived up to the promise they made to kids all over the world some 21 years ago, and they’ve announced that they’re releasing the 2011 Nike Mag, Marty McFly’s self-tying shoes.

Sure, Mattel has been slacking in the hover board department, and we may not have self-drying clothes, but I’ll be goddamned if we’re not getting auto-tying shoes.

WOOOOOO! We live in the future! USA! USA!

Let’s get back to the hard reality that is the future/present for a moment, if we can. Based on demand I’ll tell you one thing right now: these things are going to be fucking impossible to get. We’ve been waiting over 20 years for this moment. Imagine the iPhone 5 dispensed blowjobs and 99.1%, Breaking Bad, Walter White grade meth. Now imagine the iPhone 5 was a self-tying shoe, and you’ll know exactly how unobtainable these goddamned future shoes will be.

Regardless, you’re looking at one cold-eyed, cynical bastard who squeeled with glee and busted out his credit card today ready to—wait what? They’re not available yet, there’s only going to be 1,500 of them and they’re going to be auctioned off on eBay? Yeah… so I knew they’d be impossible to find, but not 1500 being made, period impossible to find.

Thanks, Nike. You got my inner child to come out of hiding just long enough to give him a wedgie.

[Source: The Associate Press]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/the-future-is-now/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/brett-ratner-eddie-murphy-the-oscars-and-other-irrelevant-nonsense/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/brett-ratner-eddie-murphy-the-oscars-and-other-irrelevant-nonsense/#comments Wed, 07 Sep 2011 18:09:59 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=502

Brett Ratner has come out and said that he approves of Eddie Murphy hosting the Oscars. You may remember Brett Ratner as the director of X-Men: The Last Stand, which sucked so hard it shamed the X-Men franchise into rebooting. Eddie Murphy, of course, is the once-amazing comedian who took so many bad roles, it’s a wonder he’s even alive let alone working. And the Oscars, naturally, is the awards show that no one but Hollywood stars with massive egos care about.

All things considered, Eddie Murphy will probably do a good job of hosting. His stand-up was amazing when he actually hit the stage. I’ll never forget his special, Delirious, but that may be more due to the red, skin-tight leather suit he wore for the performance.



A younger Eddie Murphy, catching a glimpse of the Norbit trailer.

Crap-ton of bad movies or not, I want Eddie Murphy to succeed. There’d be nothing greater than to see him back on top of his game. Remember Beverly Hills Cop? Coming to America? It’s been sad to watch him drift from children’s comedy into a bunch of shit that no one watched. Seriously, Eddie… Norbit? Meet Dave? Is there a drug addiction you’re feeding that no one knows about? Reach out for help if you need it, Eddie. No one still judges you for that transvestite thing.

But Brett Ratner? I don’t even know why he’s commenting on Eddie’s hosting at all. How is Brett Ratner, of all people, qualified to determine if someone can host an awards show? Let me answer that for you: he’s not. He’s directing a movie called Tower Heist starring Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller and he’s looking for a bit of free press. Here you go, Brett!

I was going to write something about how horrible Tower Heist is likely to be, but I don’t have to, you can go watch the trailer yourself.

This Miami Herald article, however, had one quote in it more disturbing than anything Tower Heist has to offer:

The two talented guys (Ed note: referring to Murphy and Ratner) are also working on Beverly Hills Cop 4, for 2014.

Awesome. Because what we need is a 50-year-old Axel Foley wheezing around Beverly Hills while a geriatric Judge Reinhold does his best to look as incompetent as he always did. Ratner killed X-Men to the point that they had to reboot the damn thing, maybe he’ll manage to accomplish the same for Beverly Hills Cop. I’m not usually a fan of reboots, but I’d probably give up my left nut to watch Donald Glover give Axel Foley a go.



I'll bet you cash right now he could whip out that famous Foley laugh in a split second.

[Source: The Miami Herald]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/brett-ratner-eddie-murphy-the-oscars-and-other-irrelevant-nonsense/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/a-new-lets-play-rises-with-special-guest/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/a-new-lets-play-rises-with-special-guest/#comments Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:07:28 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=499

Tomorrow night, Asif and I will be starting a new Minecraft Let’s Play map, Professor Grizwald and the Redstone Keys! If that raw amount of unbridled adventure wasn’t enough to slake your thirst we’ve got a very special guest joining us: none other than Brian Belida of Nitrobeard.com.

Sweet Jesus! Your loins are probably pulsing with adventure.

But wait, there’s more…

We’ll be jackassing it up live starting Tomorrow, Wednesday September 7th at 8:30pm EST, on Twitch.tv.

Worry not, we’ll be continuing our other map soon enough, and as yet another manly bonus to all of this amazing adventure, we’ll be introducing longer episodes. Double the adventure, double the Minecraft, double the crude, boner-related humor.

See you tomorrow, folks!

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/a-new-lets-play-rises-with-special-guest/feed/ 2 http://thickmoustache.com/games/warhammer-40k-space-marine-the-demo/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/warhammer-40k-space-marine-the-demo/#comments Tue, 06 Sep 2011 19:07:58 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=487

The menu screen of the Space Marine demo shows a space marine shooting and maiming orcs in a seamless loop. This is a pretty good description of the actual game. It’s an ultra-violence feedback loop – moments of calm, punctuated with an intense battle with dozens of enemies, where ripping off an orc’s face in the most disturbing way possible is not only encouraged but rewarded. Then it starts again from the top. Sure, orcs are living creatures with families and mortgages, but they also spew blood in firework-like displays of gore. The second factor is more important if you’re in a brigade of all-white space marines fighting the green-skinned menace. They’re taking our jobs or something. I don’t know. I didn’t follow the plot at all, but these orcs probably deserve it, as usual.

I’ve had a pretty rigid stance against orcs in games, mostly because every goddamn game has orcs in it. It turns out that my problem had less to do with orcs and more to do with being tired of hitting orcs with swords, unless that sword is also a chainsaw. That’s one of your weapons in Space Marine: a chainsaw sword. As far as violence against orcs goes, this is some disturbing violence I can get behind. Between that and filling their horrible heads full of bullets, then watching the arterial spray cover my space marine’s comically large body armor, I can’t remember why I hated orcs in the first place. I mean, I remember, but it’s hard to continue hating an orc once you’ve separated his torso from his legs, as well as the torsos of his four drinking buddies, with a single swipe of a chainsaw sword. I guess it’s a love-hate relationship.

The abundant violence is satisfying because it’s ridiculous, each stroke of your chainsaw sword rewarded with a joyous celebration of explosive gore. Each kill also fills up your “fury” meter. Rather than fill up a rage meter by taking damage, Space Marine rewards you for not sucking. The subtext here seems to be that killing orcs makes you angrier, until you get so angry you want to kill orcs even harder. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but if it means killing more orcs, I guess I’m cool with it.

The full game is out today. I’m not sure if the ultra-violence feedback loop will hold up over the course of several hours, but for twenty-five minutes it holds up great. The demo is absolutely worth the non-purchase. I recommend it if you like orcs or hate orcs. The game builds bridges between both groups through incredible violence. It’s the kind of peace-making any dictator can get behind.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/warhammer-40k-space-marine-the-demo/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-15-beneath-the-valley-of-the-ultra-bush/ http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-15-beneath-the-valley-of-the-ultra-bush/#comments Tue, 06 Sep 2011 16:00:02 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=494

The crew discusses Asif’s unfortunate viewing of Roger Ebert’s Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens (along with the discovery of other films), Steven Seagal’s murdering of a puppy, Warhammer 40k: Space Marine‘s murdering of orcs, From Dust‘s murdering of David’s sanity, Bastion‘s not murdering of greatness (seriously, what a game!), and a dash of S.P.A.Z‘s murdering of zombies.

Links!

• Roger Ebert: Writer of Softcore Pornography
• Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens
• Up!
• You’re the Best Around for Rocky III?
• Steven Seagal: Puppy Crusher
• Steven Seagal: Lawman (and BS Zen D-bag):
  
  
• Warhammer 40k: Space Marine Preview:
  
  
• From Dust: Last Level (spoilers, obviously):
  
  
• Buy Bastion. Buy it now.
• Spake Foilers… yeah, no idea.
• YOU use an axe, pricks!
]]> http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-15-beneath-the-valley-of-the-ultra-bush/feed/ 0 aren't you,bad note,Bastion,Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens,creme fraiche,everything is so easy on the internet!,From Dust,hull breach,Meltdown Asif,podcast?,Roger Ebert,S.P.A.Z We discuss Asif's unfortunate viewing of Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens, Steven Seagal: Lawman, Warhammer 40k: Space Marine, and more From Dust and Bastion. We discuss Asif's unfortunate viewing of Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens, Steven Seagal: Lawman, Warhammer 40k: Space Marine, and more From Dust and Bastion. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-10/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-10/#comments Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:03:47 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=491

10. More Wood
The crew goes out in search of wood in their continued quest to deforest the entire map. What they find is a village with an explosive secret. By that I mean creepers. Lots of creepers. Sean tries to subdue them the only way he knows how: enjoyment, which I think means sexual favors.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-10/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/well-folks-george-lucas-has-gone-and-done-it-again/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/well-folks-george-lucas-has-gone-and-done-it-again/#comments Thu, 01 Sep 2011 22:04:07 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=486

Shockwaves of impotent rage rippled through the internet yesterday as footage from the new six-movie Star Wars Collection on Blu-Ray surfaced featuring Darth Vader, reprising his unfortunate (and hilarious) “NOOOOOOOOOO!” from the end of Revenge of the Sith. Here is the actual, unfortunate, Blu-Ray clip:

Jesus. As other people around the internet have mentioned, this is upsetting. That moment was perfect as it was, right? He just silently made the decision (you can see it through the mask) and tossed that old, lightning-spewing bastard down a conveniently-placed pit. Classic Vader.

Like most of you, I grew up watching Star Wars. My dad and I used to have lightsaber duels in the living room, while I ran around doing my best Mark Hamill impression. Ironically, this consisted mostly of screaming “NOOOOOOOOO!” and swinging a light saber around. Some things never change.

At any rate, Star Wars was a huge part of my childhood. Even my adolescence. I have fond memories of playing Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire on the N64 growing up. Really, Star Wars was awesome right up until George Lucas shit the bed with The Phantom Menace. And even when he wasn’t ruining his Star Wars legacy with shitty new movies, he was busy sullying the original trilogy. Adding dewbacks where dewbacks once weren’t. MAKING GREDO SHOOT FIRST. Not even this stupid-looking digital Jabba seems happy about that bullshit:



He also looks like he might've been groped a little.

What I’m saying is that George Lucas has been shitting in the race car bed of our collective youth for more than a decade. Now, I understand you’re mad, I understand it’s outrageous, but really? Did you not expect him to take it another step? Did you not expect him to shit on the pillow and force your inner child’s face into it? You’re like the nerd version of a battered wife.

So instead of heading to the various internet forums to vent your rage, do me a favor: Do nothing. I mean that, and I mean it sincerely.

The only thing this sort of rage does is give free press to the fact that there’s another edition of Star Wars coming out. Don’t write about it. don’t discuss it, don’t think about it, and certainly don’t buy anything else from Lucas Enterprises LLC. I’m aware that I’m breaking the first rule of Fight Club here, but after this, say and do nothing. Ignore the bully. We’re all nerds here, we should be used to that shit by now.

Boycott the Blu-Ray release? Fuck that. Boycott the franchise. Boycott discussing it. Boycott being a fan.

Really, the only thing we have left to hope for is that Lucas will realize the evil of his ways and throw all of these moronic alterations down a conveniently-placed pit. Hopefully, he won’t have an urge to scream, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Of course, I’m assuming if George finally realizes the truth, the only reason he’ll be yelling “NOOOOOOO!” is because he just shit the bed… for real this time.

[Source: Ain't It Cool News]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/well-folks-george-lucas-has-gone-and-done-it-again/feed/ 4 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/captain-america-co-writer-looking-to-cast-peter-dinklage-as-modok/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/captain-america-co-writer-looking-to-cast-peter-dinklage-as-modok/#comments Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:30:25 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=480

For some strange reason, possibly cocaine, Captain America co-writer Christopher Markus wants to not only bring MODOK (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing [with a really retarded name]) to the screen, but he wants to cast Peter Dinklage for the role, stating,

“I will win you over to Peter Dinklage as MODOK. If he came around the corner and you saw him floating there you would be terrified. It would be amazing,”

Before you go trying to win us over, Mr. Markus, it’d probably be a good idea to win over Peter Dinklage.

I certainly don’t think that Peter Dinklage would be bad at playing MODOK. Hell, I’d watch Peter Dinklage in nearly anything at this point, the guy’s incredible. In fact, remake The Matrix and have him star as an even more believable Neo. Do it. I swear to god, I’ll be the first in line. He’d know kung-fu. But wanting to cast him as MODOK for the Captain America sequel? It’d be insulting to a marvelous actor if it wasn’t so goddamned stupid.

Seriously, guys. Do you even know what MODOK looks like?



Just what we need in both life and cinema. A rocket-farting head.

Fortunately for everyone on the planet Earth, not everyone is excited about his as Christopher Markus.

“I love MODOK and I think you could make a terrifying movie with MODOK but nobody seems to be on my side at the momentum(sic),”

You know what, Christopher? You’re right. You could make a terrifying movie with MODOK, but it’d be a porn parody of the film you’re planning to make. How does Captain Shlongmerica II: MO’DONG Rising sound to you? Terrible? Good, because that’s about how stupid a movie featuring MODOK sounds to everyone else.

For once, I’m actually on the side of the suits for stifling the writer’s creativity. Finally, as though we’ve warped onto some Bizarro Earth, they’re the ones preventing something terrible from being unleashed on the unsuspecting public, rather than sitting in a dark corner, wringing their hands atop stacks of ill-gotten money. Wait, are Hollywood executives finally fighting for the good of the audience?

Crap. Maybe those natural disasters last week were signs of the end times.

Probably not. Those execs just heard Christopher Markus muttering crap about some giant floating head named MODOK and their bank accounts went flashing before their eyes.

[Source: MTV.com]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/captain-america-co-writer-looking-to-cast-peter-dinklage-as-modok/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-14-the-hobo-alley-is-his-butt/ http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-14-the-hobo-alley-is-his-butt/#comments Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:01:42 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=477

This week, chaos reigns as natural disasters ravage the East Coast! By “ravage”, we mostly mean, “annoy mildly”. We gawk in horror (and hilarity) at the wild rednecks of The Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, then stupidly compare Deus Ex: Human Revolution to every other game there ever was. Finally, Sean talks about S.P.A.Z, which is apparently a lot like EVE without the espionage.

And now, linkage!

• The Great VA Earthquake of 2011
• Hurricane Irene
• The Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia trailer (possibly NSFW):
  
  
• Deus Ex: Human Revolution gameplay:
  
  
• S.P.A.Z gameplay:
  
  
]]> http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-14-the-hobo-alley-is-his-butt/feed/ 0 dear god,Deus Ex: Human Revolution,Earthquake,Exactly like the Godfather,hobos,Hurricane Irene,S.P.A.Z,The Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia Chaos reigns as natural disasters ravage the East Coast! Meanwhile, we cover The Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and S.P.A.Z. Chaos reigns as natural disasters ravage the East Coast! Meanwhile, we cover The Wild Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, and S.P.A.Z. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-9/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-9/#comments Fri, 26 Aug 2011 20:58:08 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=476

9. A Square Hole Where You Can Enter
After an epic battle to hold off the demon hordes, the crew regroups back at their home base. Once everyone gets relaxed, Bukkake Lincoln shows up. That’s when things get really scary.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-9/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/oh-good-ben-affleck-is-making-a-video-game-movie/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/oh-good-ben-affleck-is-making-a-video-game-movie/#comments Thu, 25 Aug 2011 19:29:22 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=471

The undisputed king of douche, Ben Affleck, is angling to star, direct, and produce a video game movie, apparently all from a first-person-shooter perspective. If you’ll remember the incredibly atrocious FPS sequence from Doom, this sounds like a groin-punchingly bad idea.

I’m not saying that a movie from a first person view couldn’t work. Look at Cloverfield, for instance. The movie was effectively first person, but it also came with sometimes nauseating results. This didn’t bother me, I loved the roller coaster effect that it had, but when you’ve got audiences barfing all over each other ala The Goonies, maybe it’s time to reconsider the formula. Unless you’re into turning a movie theater into a weird snuff film.

But hey, maybe Affleck can pull it off. Both Gone Baby Gone and The Town were good, so it’s not like the guy can’t direct. He can sure as hell direct a lot better than he acts. Man, he was bad in Pearl Harbor. Seriously, even he knew how bad he was, look:



Ben Affleck, hoping the john is somewhere nearby.

It’s simple folks, movies are different from video games. When you try to cram too much movie into a game, you wind up with Metal Gear Solid 4. When you try to stuff too much game into a movie, you end up with a vomit-inducing shit fest that no one wants to watch. Basically, just imagine how much my girlfriend hates watching me play Team Fortress 2. Right, then double it. That’s how much we want to watch a FPS movie.

I’d probably go out of my way to tell Ben Affleck, but he probably wouldn’t listen. Besides, he’s way too busy pouting and flexing.



He's so sad, but he still really wants you to scope out his abs.

[Source: MSNBC]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/oh-good-ben-affleck-is-making-a-video-game-movie/feed/ 1 http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-13-an-abundance-of-topless-wenches/ http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-13-an-abundance-of-topless-wenches/#comments Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:49:52 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=465

This week, we discuss Conan: The Barbarian, From Dust, and some anime that Sean’s too embarrassed to talk about (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)!

And now, the linkage!

• Now casting for topless wenches.
• Notch’s Quake 3 challenge!
• The Herb Kelleher Southwest Arm Wrestling Challenge
• From Dust gameplay:
  
  
• Sonic Drowning Music:
  
  
• A little bit of help on The Last Rocket Level 7-7 (spoilers, and he makes that look so easy):
  
  
• The Vetruvian Man
• Puella Magi Madoka Magica
]]> http://thickmoustache.com/podcast/episode-13-an-abundance-of-topless-wenches/feed/ 0 arm wrestling, Conan: The Barbarian, From Dust, MerSean, Notch, Puella Magi Madoka, Sonic drowning music, The Last Rocket This week, we discuss Conan: The Barbarian, From Dust, and some anime that Sean's too embarrassed to talk about (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)! We discuss Conan: The Barbarian, From Dust, and Puella Magi Madoka Magica, which Sean's embarrassed about. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/games/god-dammit-nintendo/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/god-dammit-nintendo/#comments Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:22:11 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=460

We were over. Done.

Now you go and announce the release date of Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword. A game, it’s worth mentioning, that I actually want to play.

Great. I’ll have to dust off the ol’ Wii and pony up $60 bucks for one last go around with the girl. The only reason I’m pissed is because it’s going to remind me of everything that the Wii was promised to be, and now you’ve decided to drop a massive deuce of Zelda greatness right before you get off the pot. From the sounds of it, this game will be everything I’ve dreamed of in a Wii release, minus realistic breast interaction.

Seriously, look at this shit:


It’s exciting in the same ways it’s frustrating. Where has this game been? Since I got it, the Wii hasn’t been much more than a sad, silly-looking paperweight, bereft of function; a monument to a seemingly clever gimmick that didn’t deliver. Well, that and an excuse for an amazing number of lame pee jokes.

Whatever the case, Nintendo, shut up and take my money—for the last time. Just as the Wii U catches up to the other current gen systems, I’ll be looking forward to the new Xbox 720 or 1080 or whatever, and preparing to enjoy games so advanced, they’ll be closer to some kind of bizarre fugue state than games. At least where Suda 51 games are concerned.

Enjoy your swan song, Wii. Looks like Skyward Sword will be just that.

[Source: MTV.com]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/god-dammit-nintendo/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-8/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-8/#comments Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:14:07 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=462

8. Don’t Worry
After defending their base of operations from a skeletal home invader, the crew finally starts to settle in. That’s when the suicide bombings start. Will they survive the Creeper terrorists, who don’t care if they live or die? And why do they hate our way of life so much? Is it because we dug a hole right through a priceless artifact of ancient Minecraftia, so we had somewhere to sleep and take a dump? Come to think of it, it’s probably that last part.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-8/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/tv-is-murdering-you-and-your-family/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/tv-is-murdering-you-and-your-family/#comments Wed, 17 Aug 2011 19:11:24 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=453

According to Ryan Jaslow, referencing a study published by the British Journal of Sports Medicine, watching television shortens life by 22 minutes per viewing hour. You know what else shortens your life by roughly 27.2%? Being a stupid ass hat like Ryan Jaslow.

While the study does seem to indicate a link between prolonged watching of television and reduced lifespan, what it specifically says is the following:

Prolonged television (TV) viewing time is unfavourably associated with mortality outcomes, particularly for cardiovascular disease, but the impact on life expectancy has not been quantified. The authors estimate the extent to which TV viewing time reduces life expectancy in Australia, 2008.

The emphasis I added seems to have been left out of both Ryan’s and the study author’s conclusions. Regardless, Jaslow goes on,

Compared with adults who watch no TV, Australians who spend a lifetime average of 6 hours per day in front of the tube “can expect to live 4.8 years less,” the authors wrote.

First, nobody cares about Australians. This is America. Most of us spend a lifetime average of 12 hours per day watching TV. I never thought I’d say it, Australia, but you guys are looking like total pussies. And this is coming from a dude who grew up idolizing this guy:



Second, clearly Ryan doesn’t know the first thing about cross-linking, because if he did, he’d just point readers to his other article, which tells readers:

The scientists said the adults who exercised just 15 minutes a day – or 90 minutes a week – extended their life expectancy by three years…

So if you exercise a total of 90 minutes a week, go ahead and watch as much TV as you damn well please. Hell, exercise 120 minutes and watch even more. Go nuts. The real results of the study show that if you’re an unrepentant fat ass, you’re not going to live as long as someone who isn’t. And even then, fit people like to run around a lot, increasing their odds of being hit by a big fat guy driving a bus.

Until any of these studies are validated by actual scientists, all you have is Ryan Jaslow trolling unverified studies, struggling to find something to write, and probably masturbating whilst demonizing our beloved television. Television! Who has given us (selflessly, I might add) millions of hours of entertainment!

Say what you want with your stupid face and your spiteful jowls, Ryan Jaslow, the only thing making anyone drop dead any earlier from watching TV is them eating like shit and being big, lazy fat asses—which reminds me…



Enjoy your egg (and fat) rolls, Ryan.

[Source: CBS News]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/tv-is-murdering-you-and-your-family/feed/ 2 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-has-been-found/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-has-been-found/#comments Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:45:08 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=450

In a startling turn of events, Sean went from alleged child predator to definite missing person in a matter of hours. Yeah, the charges had been dropped, but Sean was still hiding in the wilds of Tennessee. Maybe he fell in with a gang of cannibalistic rednecks in the Appalachian Mountains, surviving on the flesh of lost campers? It’s as good a guess as any, because frankly, between David and I, we know about as much about Tennessee as babies know about flying. Take our word for it, don’t test out the baby thing.

We called the Tennessee state police with hopes that their expertise in finding missing persons and tasing cannibals would help locate Sean, so we could go back to our normal routine of hassling him into creating some content. After a few days of searching and a little bit of luck, the cops finally found him. It turns out Sean was in disguise and deep undercover. How deep? When the authorities finally caught up with him in Memphis, he was hiding in plain sight, cosplaying as Lara Croft cosplaying as Elvis Presley. He was dressed entirely like Lara Croft, but with Elvis’s sideburns and cape. It was the rare and dreaded “double cosplay”. Most professional idiots who dress up as their favorite videogame or anime character stick to a single character. The tremendous mental strain of trying to just dress up like one physically improbable character with fetishistic reverence, without actually believing they’ve become the character, stops most from proceeding further. It seems Sean didn’t get the memo. As a rank amateur in the cosplay world – though, we’ve heard some serious cosplay junkies enjoy enthusiastic amateur work – Sean probably had no idea what he was in for. It’s not like anyone could ask him if he knew the risks. His mind was jelly, lost in a whimsical world where up is down, left is right, and a guy dressing up like Lara Croft is a good idea.



Imagine this is an extremely confused, pasty white man with fake sideburns. And a cape.

No one is sure how long he was in that deep state of cosplay, but he wasn’t coming out of it easily. He was neck deep in those personalities; He was Lara Croft, who was Elvis Presley and there was no convincing him otherwise. The on-staff police psychologist in Memphis tried to snap him out of the Elvis part of the delusion by taking him to the grave of Elvis Presley. She thought that showing Sean that Elvis was dead would conclusively break the Elvis cosplay’s hold on his mind. As they finally approached the headstone, Sean scanned it and upon realizing that Elvis was dead, turned to the psychologist and said, “Are we in Heaven?”

Apparently, she hadn’t anticipated the Kung-Fu grip of the cosplay mind virus. Sean furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment. The psychologist stood by silently as Sean posited another theory, “Or maybe we’re both ghosts. Do you think ghosts can make-out? Want to try?”

After that the police called us in to get our professional assessment, since at least one of us took a psychology class in college. After the long drive to Tennessee, we finally saw Sean for the first time since the whole ordeal began. He was definitely different, yet he was still wearing women’s clothing, just as we always remembered. I tried to talk to him, hoping to understand what was happening to our friend, but all Sean kept repeating was that he had a “hunka hunka burning love” in his pants and that he was going to use it to “raid some tombs”.

David walked over towards Sean with a determined look on his face. David clearly had a plan and that plan, as executed in front of my own eyes, was as follows: 1) Be very angry. 2) Punch Sean in the ear so hard that he screams in the most girlish way imaginable and passes out.

Well, it worked. When Sean woke up he was confused and not sure why he was dressed as Lara Croft or Elvis, but we had the old Sean back. As he looked at David and I with recognition, David said, “Write your goddamn Minecraft article, asshole.” David then turned to me and said, “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Sean sat motionless on the ground as David and I began walking back to the car. Trying to cheer him up, I told Sean, “You’re no longer legally a pedophile, champ,” flashing him the double thumbs up. Sean just starred at me blankly, as drops of blood ran from his ear, down his face, and onto the Elvis cape he clutched to his Lara Croft bosoms.

Once David and I got in the car, we didn’t stop until we were back in DC. We’re pretty sure Sean’s still in Tennessee and probably writing some sort of article about Minecraft or dressing up like a slutty anime character. Either way, it’s good to have the old, fruity Sean back.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-has-been-found/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-12-double-trouble/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-12-double-trouble/#comments Tue, 16 Aug 2011 16:16:48 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=443

This week, we vaguely recap The Rise of the Planet of the Apes with Sean’s lack of opinion, and discuss The Devil’s Double, the disturbing indie movie about Uday Hussain… and his double. Moving onto video games, we discuss Rage HD on iPad, an rails shooter with multi-touch goodness and Shaun Inman’s The Last Rocket, a charming 8-bit throwback.

Linkage!

• TROTPOTA
• The Devil’s Double Trailer:
  
  
• Rage HD:
  
  
• Shaun Inman‘s The Last Rocket Trailer: 
  
  
• Sneak peak for Breaking Bad (watch it!):
  
  
• FX makes it impossible to embed. Here’s Louie.





]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-12-double-trouble/feed/ 2 8-bit, Breaking Bad, Louie, Rage HD, The Devil's Double, The Last Rocket, TROTPOTA, Uday Hussain We revisit TROTPOTA, discuss The Devil's Double, then video games with Rage HD on iPad and The Last Rocket. This week, we vaguely recap The Rise of the Planet of the Apes with Sean's lack of opinion, and discuss The Devil's Double, the disturbing indie movie about Uday Hussain... and his double. Moving onto video games, we discuss Rage HD on iPad, an rails shooter with multi-touch goodness and Shaun Inman's The Last Rocket, a charming 8-bit throwback about a rocket. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/black-dynamite-continues-to-be-black/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/black-dynamite-continues-to-be-black/#comments Mon, 15 Aug 2011 19:03:06 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=446

Sometimes, when the staff of TM gets together, we argue over who’s the blackest. David folds almost immediately; He is resolutely white, living comfortably in his all-white neighborhood, which, even if he were actually black, would disqualify him. As the only non-white staff member I seemly have a leg up, but that hasn’t stopped Sean from trying to out black me. It usually starts with Sean quoting all of his favorite Tyler Perry movies and shows. In his sassiest black woman voice he’ll say, “Call the po-po. I ain’t scared of no po-po. Call the po-po, ho.” That’s usually followed by, “Lord, help me Jesus! I’m ’bout to run my car right through K-Mart!” If he’s feeling really sassy, and just a little bit sexy, we’ll almost certainly hear, “When I was stripping them little skinny girls got mad at me ’cause I bent the pole. When I got down that thing looked like a horseshoe.”

Written down like that all of those things sound like something a fictional black woman might say, or at least something a black man dressed as a older black woman might say, but coming out of Sean’s face it actually broke the laws of nature and made Sean sound even whiter. So, I guess that leaves me as the lone authority on all things black. I’ll do my duty as the honorary black man of TM and say that based on my authority as an African American I can’t recommend the unaired pilot of the Black Dynamite animated series enough. You can watch it here. It takes the highly successful formula of Blaxploitation movies, puts them in an animated world – with all of the exaggerations that implies – and comes out the other side with something funny and entertaining. The good news is that the series has been picked up for a full season of half-hour episodes by Adult Swim. Which reminds me, I know what you’ve heard about black men, ladies, and it’s completely true; I can’t swim.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/black-dynamite-continues-to-be-black/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/the-national-nightmare-is-over-breaking-bads-final-season-is-approved/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/the-national-nightmare-is-over-breaking-bads-final-season-is-approved/#comments Mon, 15 Aug 2011 18:35:02 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=444

Despite Eric Vespe’s damning article on Ain’t it Cool News, AMC execs have seemingly pulled their heads out of their metaphorical asses long enough to renew Breaking Bad for its full, final season of 16 episodes. Of course, this wave of sensibility also means that I won’t be shoving their heads up their literal asses.

The thing I still don’t understand is how this was even up for debate in the first place. Previously, AMC went to the negotiation table with Matt Wiener, creator of Mad Men. This acrimonious process resulted in pissing, moaning, and ultimately, Mad Men being delayed until the Spring. Now, I know you’re trying to save money, AMC, but when you start trying to do so by taking a chisel to your crown jewels, you might want to make sure that your king hasn’t been lobotomized.

Unfortunately for Breaking Bad fans (affectionally referred to as “meth heads”), it’s starting to sound like they may make an attempt to bleed as much from the stone as they can, splitting the 16 episode run into two mini-seasons. The only thing I can imagine this would accomplish is allowing them to defer the cost of making the show, which seems unlikely, or giving Bryan Cranston the chance to win even more Emmys.

I said it before, you need to get rid of shows that suck. It’s simple. You don’t screw with the three shows that bring in both critical and audience approval (Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Walking Dead). As far as I’m concerned, Hell on Wheels, and The Killing are completely expendable. Hell, don’t even cancel them, just make them shoot nothing but bottle episodes until the creators hang themselves.

We know you’re crazy, AMC execs, but if you’re going to show us just how crazy, try to focus it in the direction of crap I don’t care about.

If the formula is working, you can’t really expect to remove key ingredients, or replace them with some random shit you found in a field and expect to get the same results. Imagine if Walt suddenly replaced a key ingredient in his meth recipe with, I don’t know, gallons of ball sweat. It may still be pure, but meth heads or not, folks are going to taste that ball sweat.

[Source: HitFix]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/the-national-nightmare-is-over-breaking-bads-final-season-is-approved/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-is-feeling-the-heat/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-is-feeling-the-heat/#comments Fri, 12 Aug 2011 20:52:40 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=419

You may have noticed that Sean hasn’t posted anything in the last few weeks. Well, I’m not going to sugarcoat it: Sean is on the run from the law. He fled to Tennessee to evade capture over some alleged pedophile charges. Sean must have felt the long arm of the law reaching over and grabbing his ass, preparing him for the sensual delights awaiting in prison, because he’s gone completely off the grid. We have no idea where he is. Even if we did, we can’t say, because the last communication we had with Sean was just a cryptic email that simply stated, “If you tell anyone where I am I’ll kill you next.”

What’s funny about all this, which is a probably lot less funny if you’re Sean or someone he may have murdered, is that the charges have been dropped. It turns out the child involved with the allegations wasn’t a child at all. It was actually a midget, or a “little person” as they liked to be called to their face, pretending to be a child. I don’t know what kind of sicko would pretend to be a kid, seduce another adult, then report them to the police, but it’s disturbing. The good news is that whatever happened between Sean and the midget in the back of Sean’s unmarked white van was completely legal. So, he’s off the hook. The bad news is that Sean could be dead as far as we know. On the off chance that Sean has the Internet access wherever he’s holed up or, in the case that he’s dead, has Internet access in the afterlife, we’re hoping he gets back in touch. These Minecraft articles aren’t going to write themselves.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/sean-is-feeling-the-heat/feed/ 3 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-7/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-7/#comments Fri, 12 Aug 2011 15:25:27 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=440

7. The Other Hole
The gang goes nearly five minutes without being murdered by anything. As they emerge from the dank, dark root cellar-like interior of the Sphinx’s bowels, David moonwalks his way to adventure and future trials, not from the Old Ones, but from the U.S. legal system. Then it starts snowing in the desert. To what do we owe this Christmas miracle? It’s probably just the Old Ones messing with our heads before the savage murders start.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-7/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/gloria-nbc-and-the-glamorous-state-of-bs/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/gloria-nbc-and-the-glamorous-state-of-bs/#comments Thu, 11 Aug 2011 16:58:41 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=437

Sounds like NBC has ruffled the feathers of pioneering women’s rights activist and wicked-righteous lady, Gloria Steinem. What’s Steinem upset at NBC about? The Playboy Club, a show about the original Chicago Playboy Club of the 1960′s. Steinem is calling for a boycott of the show, which I didn’t even know existed until Gloria Steinem’s name came up in a headline about it. Now I’m tempted to watch it just to see what I should be boycotting.

Steinem is citing inaccuracy as the main reason for the boycott, stating:

Clearly ‘The Playboy Club’ is not going to be accurate. It was the tackiest place on earth. It was not glamorous at all.

Clearly, Gloria didn’t watch this:

Murdering a guy certainly doesn’t seem glamorous to me, as hilarious as her jamming her heel in that old perv’s head is. This poor girl’s going to have to skip town because she murdered a gangster who, from what I can tell from the ninety seconds of this clip, was trying to rape her. How glamorous.

If anyone knows how terrible this environment is, it’s Gloria Steinem. After all, she infiltrated the jungle that was this club and came back with PTSD. This is her ‘Nam, and much like a ‘Nam, I wasn’t there, man. I’m sure the mere sight of bunny ears and cleavage sends Steinem into a series of flashbacks, only in this case, Charlie is a bunch of perverted drunks, lustily reaching for her ass.

Even without those vivid flashbacks, Steinem still has plenty of reasons to be upset, as NBC executives are insanely declaring that this show is about “empowering women”. Really? I thought it was just your lazy attempt at stealing some of Mad Men‘s thunder, and here you are blathering about empowering women? What about a dressing up as a scantily clad bunny empowers women, exactly? Is it the bunny ears or the bow tie?

In rather measured article from NPR, Linda Holmes points out,

…the Bunnies in the show have to ask permission to wear a coat when it’s cold outside and they’re working the door…

Jesus, that’s one step short of them having to ask when they can take a dump.

So, on one hand we have BS coming from Gloria Steinem, who by all rights hasn’t seen any more of the show than I have. What I’ve seen so far doesn’t seem that glamorous, but then again, I’m not the one calling for boycotts based on something I haven’t seen. On the other hand, we have BS coming from NBC about how this show is all about “empowering women”.

No matter which way you slice it, you know what both Steinem and NBC really care about? Your old pal money.

NBC’s just taking up the feminist angle in some moronic attempt to get more women to watch because they want improve the chances that this godawful show will be so much as a third as successful as Mad Men. If you like that, NBC, I’ve got a couple of shows to sell you. How about a gripping drama about zombie survival, or I don’t know, a meth-selling chemistry teacher?

Gloria Steinem, in an effort to appear ever-relevant before the release of her HBO documentary, Gloria: In her Own Words, is getting riled up about this dumb-ass irrelevant NBC show because she’s on a press junket and it’ll turn some heads. Clearly, it’s working, Gloria. My head is turned! Unfortunately, it’s turned toward the toilet, as I’ve got to go relieve myself of all of the bullshit I’ve consumed in researching this article.

Look, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with making money. The problem here is the ridiculous pandering both parties are taking part in so they can make some more. I’m sure plenty of people would’ve watched The Playboy Club and Gloria: In her Own Words for their own reasons, either way.

Again, I’ll quote NPR’s Linda Holmes,

Perhaps the good news is that we’ve now reached the point where it’s considered smart marketing to push a feminist spin on your show about Playboy Bunnies.

Good news, indeed. It’s just a shame that NBC and Steinem don’t actually respect women enough to consider them above shameless pandering. Keep in mind, this is coming from the guy who advocates bringing back the fun boob.

Both parties love the smell of their own shit, so why don’t they just team up? NBC can pay Gloria Steinem to bring in the gritty tackiness that she’s boycotting the show over, and as a result, they’ll drag in the legitimate feminist market they both crave. See folks, capitalism isn’t that hard, you’ve just got to be willing to compromise. Ask congress!

[Source: Reuters]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/gloria-nbc-and-the-glamorous-state-of-bs/feed/ 1 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/internet-denizens-whine-about-a-woman-wearing-a-skin-tight-suit/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/internet-denizens-whine-about-a-woman-wearing-a-skin-tight-suit/#comments Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:53:26 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=430

Ah, the impotent rage of youth.

Last week, yet another screenshot from The Dark Knight Rises was released, and contrary to all of the other teasers and sneak peaks that have been released, this one evoked the kind of unfocused anger normally reserved for the likes of Ann Coulter, or I don’t know, Stalin. Did this picture depict Batman in a nipple suit? Bane dressed as Hello Kitty? Robin, the Boy Wonder?

No. It was this:


Anne Hathaway, in a jumpsuit, on a Batpod, wearing goggles. Completely lacking context, folks on the internet fumed and raged and frothed at the mouth, then probably wet themselves with fury. As SlashFilm user Drew Butler so eloquently put it:

oh noooo…. please god, no….i just ……NOOOOOOOO!!!

Man, Drew, it’s not like Anne Hathaway slept with your mom and had me film it, then beckoned me over to the bed, in between her and your mom and let nature take its course. Did anyone ever tell you that your mom’s an attractive lady, Drew? Would you mind if I did?

Here’s the problem I have with this level of anger towards something completely lacking context: It’s completely lacking context. We don’t know if she’s stealing from Batman, or if she’s in cahoots with Bane, or if she’s headed out for more Vagisil. No one knows!

And even if this is the final suit, who cares? Is it really that bad? So it’s different than you expected. What, did you want a repeat of Catwoman? If so, what the hell is wrong with you?

Internet (and that means you, Drew), before the next screenshot comes out from this or anything else, step back, take a deep breath, and be glad that we’re getting this level of super hero movie out of Hollywood these days. Because seriously, if you don’t quit your bitching, they’re going to call back Jerry Bruckheimer, and no one wants that.



The horror. The nipple suited horror.

[Source: SlashFilm]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/internet-denizens-whine-about-a-woman-wearing-a-skin-tight-suit/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/the-massive-human-boners-reign-of-terror-continues/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/the-massive-human-boners-reign-of-terror-continues/#comments Tue, 09 Aug 2011 19:07:14 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=429

Team Bondi isn’t doing so well. It only recently released LA Noire, an industry-leading simulation of yelling at a husband after he just found out his wife has been brutally murdered, then repeating that process over and over again as part of a groundbreaking psychological experiment to answer a simple question: Do players enjoy making other people feel terrible? Now, the studio is going bankrupt. It must have come as quite a shock to the team’s top brass that the market for emotional abuse isn’t infinite. In fact, it’s restricted to about four million people who buy videogames and, as confirmed by every episode of COPS, people who live in trailer parks. Four million might be enough if you create a device that converts emotional abuse into an alternative energy source, but it’s not if you produce one of the highest budget games of all-time.

Brendan “Massive Human Boner” McNamara, leader of Team Bondi, devourer of souls, has started the process of moving whatever’s left of his gang of wage slaves over to KMM Studios. KMM is run by George Miller, maker of films about dancing penguins and, before that, the thankfully bereft of dancing, Mad Max. The great part about all of this is that George Miller wants to bring McNamara aboard for the explicit purpose of running employees into the ground to meet incredible deadlines, a skill that McNamara has mastered between his daily routine of head shaving and lard sandwich eating. The ability to grind people down into some sort of productivity paste must be a really useful in this tough economy. I imagine this collaboration will play out with George Miller sitting atop Brendan McNamara’s shoulders, directing McNamara’s path of intimidation and human destruction, so we can enjoy the kind of movie about dancing penguins that only human misery can produce. Also, McNamara will be the biggest dick George Miller has ever had between his legs.



An artist's interpretation of McNamara's and Miller's working relationship.

[Source: VG247]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/the-massive-human-boners-reign-of-terror-continues/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-11-something-tastes-like-taffy/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-11-something-tastes-like-taffy/#comments Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:42:59 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=425

This week, we have a special guest from Nitrobeard.com, Brian Belida! Brian brings the Nitro, as we discuss the pee-laden horror that is the Man vs. Wild game, The Rise of the Planet of the Earth of the Apes over the Humans, the terrible wonder of Spider-Man 1967, and the beautiful glory that is Bastion.

As usual, we make some stops along the way!

• Best Friends play Bear Grylls:

• Benny Hillified X Games 17: Moto X Enduro Women’s Highlights
• Franco is wicked smaaht
• Emo Parker Dance:

• Spider-Man 1967, Episode 1:
  
  
• Bastion:
  
  
]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-11-something-tastes-like-taffy/feed/ 3 Bastion,Benny Hillified Moto X,Brian Belida,emo kids,Emo Parker,James Franco,Man vs. Wild,Nitrobeard,Nitrobeard.com,Spider-Man 1967,taffy-like urine,TROTPOTA Nitrobeard.com's Brian Belida guest stars as the gents talk about Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spider-Man 1967, and Bastion, with detours into Man vs. Wild & Women's Moto X. Nitrobeard.com's Brian Belida guest stars as the gents talk about Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spider-Man 1967, and Bastion, with detours into Man vs. Wild & Women's Moto X. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/work-it-is-a-sign-of-the-impending-apocalypse/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/work-it-is-a-sign-of-the-impending-apocalypse/#comments Mon, 08 Aug 2011 21:35:47 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=426

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for America, the ABC Network adds to the list of things that, as a nation, fills us with an unnerving dread that threatens to strip us of what’s left of our national pride. In what must be a maelstrom of stupidity, ABC has decided to go full, screaming, pot-clanging retard with its new fall show, Work It.

If S&P wasn’t going to downgrade the country based on other things, it certainly would’ve had no other choice after watching this trailer for Work It:

Great. The nation thanks you. Assholes.

Look, I get it. Men dressed as women is funny! Television has a rich history of dudes dressing up as ladies with hilarious (and sexy) results. Hell, who doesn’t remember Bosom Buddies? Actually, I don’t. I wasn’t alive then, but I am aware of its existence. And of course, you had greats like Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and Kids in the Hall, but those were both sketch shows starring all men, so that’s to be expected. The thing is when they were dressed up like women, the words coming out of their faces were also funny. Not some inane stereotype of how the dipshit writers think women actually behave.

Worse still, this being one of the first shows released by ABC’s new president, Paul Lee, is just a terrible show, but a waypoint. An indicator of direction. A filthy truck stop along the highway to Craplantic City.

To add even more crap to this crap-fueled blaze, Mr. Lee is completely unapologetic. In fact, apparently this crap reduces him to a muttering infant, as he states, “Sometimes you pick up a pilot just because it absolutely makes you cackle with laughter, and that was the case with Work It”. As soon as he stopped sputtering, his assistant wiped the drool from his chin and handed him his sippy cup.

I’m guessing nobody cares about the direction this is taking ABC (because seriously, who gives a shit?), but shows like this are dragging television backwards as a viable source of media, while good comedies like Community, Louie, and Parks and Rec languish in the ratings. We deserve better, people, and the only way to make that clear is by supporting the stuff that doesn’t suck.

Ok, I’m a bit of a TV snob over here, I’ll admit it, but no matter which way you slice Work It, it’s shlock. I may be getting ahead of myself, but it hurts my feelings as a lover of television to see this sort of filth squeeze from the puckered anus of ABC. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, considering this is the network that brought us Cavemen, but you’d figure they’d have learned their lesson, because it’s an important one. Namely, that gimmicky, moronic shows haven’t worked since the 80′s unless they’re reality television.

Actually, you know what ABC? Make a reality television show where two guys dress up as women and get jobs at an ad agency, and I’ll watch it. It’ll save you money and be way funnier than the alternative, plus it’ll probably scar several people for life. That’s a win-win, ABC. You’ve got my total support.

[Source: Digital Spy]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/work-it-is-a-sign-of-the-impending-apocalypse/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-6/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-6/#comments Fri, 05 Aug 2011 14:40:51 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=424

6. Into the Depths
Darkness falls and the gang holes up in the stinky innards of the Sphinx. Even safely encased in its rib cage the dudes can’t help but die a few times. What’s causing these deaths? After taking a nasty fall, then exploding, David gets really paranoid and accusations fly. Was it old man Sean dressed as ghoul George Washington? Not really, but he still looks guilty as hell.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/trial-of-the-old-ones-part-6/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/movies/superman-is-a-badass/ http://thickmoustache.com/movies/superman-is-a-badass/#comments Fri, 05 Aug 2011 00:21:10 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=421

As far as we know, the things this movie has going for it are:

1. The teaser image above
2. It’s being written by David S. Goyer and Christopher Nolan
3. It’s being produced by Christopher Nolan

The things it has going against it?

1. Zack Synder
2. Zack Synder
3. Zack Synder

It’s a unique sensation when you go from, “Oh, sweet. Christopher Nolan’s definitely going to save Man of Steel.” to “Oh, shit. Zach Snyder’s going to ruin Man of Steel.” Still, if anyone can rescue a super hero franchise, it’s Nolan, but after seeing Snyder’s grotesque violation of The Watchmen, I have a hard time believing even Supes himself could save this potential train wreck.

The task is monumental, no matter who you put at the helm. The sad tragedy is that Superman, as a character, is boring. He doesn’t have the built-in conflicts that characters like Batman or Spider-Man have. The whole truth, justice, and the American Way schtick makes him more one-dimensional than these assholes:



Pray that no one cuts a fart.

Still, I’m remaining cautiously optimistic that Nolan has produced a story that will do Supes justice. The only danger I can see so far is that they’ll go too dark, but I suspect they may be able to needle that back. Now if Snyder can pour some ice water on his ridiculous slow-motion boner, we may finally get a Superman movie worth watching.

Although I can’t quite get over the fact that he looks equally suited to save a kitten or cap a guido mobster.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/movies/superman-is-a-badass/feed/ 3 http://thickmoustache.com/games/quit-making-excuses-with-your-face-and-play-video-games/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/quit-making-excuses-with-your-face-and-play-video-games/#comments Wed, 03 Aug 2011 18:56:49 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=417

In his column for Patch.com, We’ve Got Game, Jeff Luger illustrates just how cheap our beloved video gaming hobby truly is. Quick! Look at these numbers that Jeff Luger typed with his hands and fingers!

Let’s look at a few examples:

• My own playtime for the original inFamous is around 25 hours (a fairly typical playtime). That comes out to around $2.75/hour at the $60 full price.
• On Fallout 3 I logged in about 100 hours, including all the DLC packs. Since the combined cost was about $100, I paid about $1 per hour of fun. RPGs often provide triple digit hours of gameplay.
• Online-enabled titles are where the ratio of price to gameplay truly shines. My Xbox Live friend A BRONX BRAWLER has almost 36 days of time logged into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Do the math—it’s 864 hours. For every hour of fun, he’s paid less than 7¢. Where’s a better deal to be had than that?

Dude! It’s like they’re practically giving the games away, but wait, there’s more!

Do you smoke a pack a day? At $7.50/pack, giving up the habit would cover the above initial start-up costs in 110 days and after that easily allow for two new full-price game purchases per month and leave you about enough money for a tank of gas.

Do you need that $4 latte every morning? You could get regular coffee and save enough each month for one new game (and reduce your fat intake to boot!).

In the spirit of ensuring your continued video game addiction, I’d like to point out some other things that cost way more than video games.

• Eating
• Owning a cat
• Dating
• Owning a dog
• American Health Care
• Heroin
• Owning a child
• Spending time with the stupid child you own
• Fighting cancer

Look, the reason people spend money on things is because they find value in the return they get for them. Say, the caffeine boost they get from their morning latte, or the full-body orgasm they get from shooting up with their awesome heroin. In the case we’re talking about, people play video games because it’s a damn fine time.

But really, who’s holding out on buying an Xbox because they’re afraid to drop $300, or that they think the hobby is too expensive overall? If anything, it’s that they simply don’t want to play video games (because they’re boring), or they can’t afford to drop the money (because they’re poor).

The point that Jeff Luger is trying to make is that you should buy video games. I agree, they’re totally fun. The point that I’m trying to make is that Jeff Luger is stupid.

[Source: Patch.com]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/quit-making-excuses-with-your-face-and-play-video-games/feed/ 2 http://thickmoustache.com/games/tarns-chastity-fortress/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/tarns-chastity-fortress/#comments Wed, 03 Aug 2011 14:38:06 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=396

There have been several reports recently about game developers being overworked and underpaid. The only thing I have to say is if the games that come out of this oppressive, soul-crushing system are excellent, something must be right. Needless to say, you won’t see me complaining. Just as an oppressive factory system produces my shoes, I don’t go raising my hands in protest if those shoes – cobbled together by children too uneducated to get any other job – are comfortable.

If I were in the crappy shoes of a young game developer looking to fulfill their dream of developing AAA games, I’d probably be terrified to work in the horrific conditions at many studios. Luckily, I’m an actual, tax-paying adult. I don’t have time to feel bad for the plight of poor game developers. I’m too busy paying my own bills, being a working man down in the trenches. When I’m not mining coal (in Minecraft) or committing senseless acts of violence (in every game), I’m sitting in a chair browsing the Internet to avoid being productive.

The reality is, aspiring game developers, it could be so much worse. Take for example Tarn, the programmer behind the world’s foremost simulator of dwarf life, sex and death, Dwarf Fortress. Sure, he’s achieved an incredible level of detail in simulating the complete fantasy world of Dwarf Fortress entirely in ascii text, but what about having an intimate relationship with something other than a well-worn hole in a couch cushion? In the New York Times, Tarn lays down the reality gauntlet.

“If I were in the supermarket one day and someone came on really strong and it was a mutual thing, I’d probably get pushed along, but it’s not something I’m anticipating,” he said. His interest has dwindled. “It’s easier not to care about that stuff when you’re in your 30s.”

I don’t even know what to say to that. If there were something I could express to make being a game developer less appealing I’d be saying it right now, but Tarn made the best argument against not only making games, but probably against playing them. If you’re a game developer you should be pretty excited to work in your game development dungeon. At least there you might have a chance of talking to one of your cellmates. That’s one step closer to getting laid than Tarn.

[Source: NY Times]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/tarns-chastity-fortress/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/breaking-breaking-bad/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/breaking-breaking-bad/#comments Tue, 02 Aug 2011 21:13:39 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=413

According to the LA Times, negotiations in bringing the fifth (and presumably final) season of AMC’s Breaking Bad to the air next year have gone tense. On paper, this is a conflict between Sony and AMC. In reality, it’s a conflict between artistic vision and money, and unfortunately, artistic vision tends gets violated so badly that it’s left weeping by itself in the corner, cowering from human touch.

It sounds like AMC is up against a wall because one of its other hit shows, Mad Men, just got allocated a cartoonish sack of money, and now AMC is having a hard time doling out the remainder of its funds to the rest of its productions. As a result of this, there are rumors swirling around that producer/writer/director, Frank Darabont, left another of AMC’s hit shows, The Walking Dead, due to budgetary reasons. And as the LA Times is making mention here, budget is the very reason Breaking Bad negotiations are on the rocks, as AMC wanted to cut the number of episodes from thirteen down to a meager six or eight. I don’t know about you, but it sounds like artistic vision just took a one square in the jewels.

What I don’t get, since I’m not a soulless ghoul from the netherworld (read: “network executive”), is why they can’t just pony up the cash for another season. Look, I get it, you have a budget, and you can only pay for so much, but regardless of the contract you need to get worked out, you’ve already signed a contract with the viewing public. Clearly, the makers of Breaking Bad are attempting to fulfill that contract while the execs at AMC are trying to hack it off at the knees.

It probably wouldn’t piss me off so badly if it weren’t for the fact that they’ve already committed to four-fifths of the fucking thing. What the hell are you thinking, AMC? You’re going to get us all riled up by watching Walt get badder and badder, only to shut it off at the climax? It’s the whole point of the show. Why don’t you just go ahead and take the zombies out of The Walking Dead and have the remainder of Mad Men focus on Don joining a hippy commune. While you’re at it, just come to my house and smear shit on my TV.

AMC, you’ve been doing such an amazingly great job of raising television to a new plateau. You’re putting out quality, hit television, and as it turns out, when you make money from these properties, they can cost more to make. Cut back on dumb shit like The Killing, by all means, but don’t cripple successful productions because your executives can’t figure out how to budget for them. Cripple the executives.

[Source: LA Times]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/breaking-breaking-bad/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-10-this-podcast-is-exactly-like-the-godfather/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-10-this-podcast-is-exactly-like-the-godfather/#comments Tue, 02 Aug 2011 15:50:13 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=411

This week on the ‘StacheCast, the gents discuss the artistic merits of Captain America: The First Avenger, the crappy merits of Frozen Synapse and the kick-ass awesome merits of Bastion.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-10-this-podcast-is-exactly-like-the-godfather/feed/ 0 awesomeness,Bastion,Captain America,FART,Frozen Synapse,Jackass,Kick-Ass We discuss the artistic merits of Captain America: The First Avenger, the crappy merits of Frozen Synapse and the kick-ass awesome merits of Bastion. We discuss the artistic merits of Captain America: The First Avenger, the crappy merits of Frozen Synapse and the kick-ass awesome merits of Bastion. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/games/nintendo-knocking-on-segas-door/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/nintendo-knocking-on-segas-door/#comments Mon, 01 Aug 2011 18:54:43 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=406

SlashGear is rather bluntly asking a question that’s been rattling around in my head for a few weeks now: Is Nintendo the next Sega?

We all remember the tragic demise of Sega after the much-loved (by TM, anyhow) but much-failed Dreamcast, which led Sega to head into the software-only game. While this line of thinking is extraordinarily speculative, it’s interesting to point out that Nintendo isn’t exactly in the best shape these days. The 3DS just got a price cut mere months after its release, and if you bought (or buy) before August 12th, you’ll be getting 20 free games. It’s like saying, “We noticed you don’t like our shitty system. Here, have it for cheap, and if we already suckered you in, here’s some free shit!” Not exactly inspiring confidence here, Nintendo.

Sure, Nintendo is in much better shape than Sega was back in the day, but if the Wii U is a flop, then what? And really, what does the Wii U have that’s going to be hooking people like the original Wii did? It’s certainly not going to be the underwhelming touchscreen. It doesn’t support multitouch, which seems like a bit of a deal breaker, and if you like the taste of that bitter poison, I’ve got some more! Wii U will only support one touchscreen at a time, meaning that Player 2 will be left flaccidly wobbling his standard Wiimote around.

I’m not saying that Nintendo diehards aren’t going to queue up for for the system, but if the sales are anywhere near as lackluster as the 3DS, Samus, Mario and the rest are going to be joining his good buddy Sonic in the hardware old folk’s home. Still, it’s not all bad. I bet Samus still looks plenty hot in a skin-tight diaper.

[Source: SlashGear]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/nintendo-knocking-on-segas-door/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/let%e2%80%99s-play-minecraft-trial-of-the-old-ones-%e2%80%93-part-5/ http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/let%e2%80%99s-play-minecraft-trial-of-the-old-ones-%e2%80%93-part-5/#comments Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:59:43 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=405

After tunneling through the backside of the Creeper Sphinx and exiting through its gaping mouth, the gang may have finally found a home. Instead of actually building up their fort, they wander back into the wilderness and assault some animals that can’t fight back.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/lets-play/let%e2%80%99s-play-minecraft-trial-of-the-old-ones-%e2%80%93-part-5/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/world-of-warcraft-free-to-play-until-level-20/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/world-of-warcraft-free-to-play-until-level-20/#comments Thu, 28 Jul 2011 16:31:16 +0000 Sean http://thickmoustache.com/?p=383

Just when I had hoped the war against shallow, repetitive gameplay was being won, Blizzard ruins everything. Not satisfied with their already steely grip on the MMO industry, they’ve made World of Warcraft free to play until you hit level 20.

What does this mean for those of us who have not yet been enslaved by Blizzard’s masterpiece of psychological conditioning? Now that your first twenty hits of WoW are free, even more will fall victim to this terrible addiction. Perhaps there will be anti-Warcraft public service announcements. Clinics may be opened to treat the worst sufferers. Dark times may be ahead for the 15-25 demographic.

On the other hand, if you’re interested in trading WoW gametime for handjobs, good times are ahead.

[Source: PC Magazine]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/world-of-warcraft-free-to-play-until-level-20/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/tv/you-officially-have-zero-excuses-not-to-catch-up-on-mad-men/ http://thickmoustache.com/tv/you-officially-have-zero-excuses-not-to-catch-up-on-mad-men/#comments Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:59:35 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=392

Quick before it’s too late! Go watch it on Netflix Instant now! All four seasons! Dude!

Ok, fine. You probably need more convincing.

You see that woman above? That’s Joan. Joan’s in every episode. If that’s not enough for you, you may be a lost cause, but honestly, you’ll also be missing out on one of the most cleverly-written, fantastic dramas the normally swirling shit-bowl of TV has ever produced. Oh, and if you’re a fan of drinking, smoking, bad parenting practices, hilariously outdated racism and misogyny it’s got that too. It’s the 60′s, what do you expect?

Those attributes are really only set pieces to the rich, well-developed characters, amazing cinematography, and a carefully paced plot that makes Mad Men rise where others might fall and break their face. If you don’t believe me, believe the fact that it’s from AMC, the channel that’s also cranking out two of my other favorite shows, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. Go ahead and do yourself a favor: watch Mad Men before you’re loudly mocked for being a useless loser with no taste who wouldn’t know a good show if it grabbed you by the testicles and twisted until your sex changed. If you’re a lady, replace “testicles” with “breasticles”.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/tv/you-officially-have-zero-excuses-not-to-catch-up-on-mad-men/feed/ 2 http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-9-wait-you-can-do-that/ http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-9-wait-you-can-do-that/#comments Tue, 26 Jul 2011 15:31:52 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=389 Captain America, Shadows of the Damned, and Atom Zombie Smasher. Sean chimes in from a robot's asshole.]]>

This week on the ‘StacheCast, Asif talks about the undying patriotism of Captain America: The First Avenger. Then, Asif and David take a strange trip down Shadows of the Damned alley, and discuss the delightful stew of gameplay that makes up Atom Zombie Smasher. Sean broadcasts live from inside of a robot’s asshole.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/featured/episode-9-wait-you-can-do-that/feed/ 0 asshole,Atom Zombie Smasher,Captain America,patriotism,shadows of the damned Our heroes talk about Captain America, Shadows of the Damned, and Atom Zombie Smasher. Sean chimes in from a robot's asshole. This week on the 'StacheCast, Asif talks about undying patriotism of <em>Captain America: The First Avenger</em>. Then, Asif and David take a strange trip down <em>Shadows of the Damned</em> alley, and discuss the delightful stew of gameplay that makes up <em>Atom Zombie Smasher</em>. Sean broadcasts live from inside of a robot's asshole. Thick Moustache yes 1:00:00 http://thickmoustache.com/games/no-more-bulletstorms/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/no-more-bulletstorms/#comments Mon, 25 Jul 2011 21:54:12 +0000 Asif http://thickmoustache.com/?p=320

If we did an annual top 10 games list, as mandated by the heavy-set sweat-bags in Sailor Moon teeshirts that invented games journalism, Bulletstorm would probably be in our 2011 list. (There won’t be a list because Sean would try to slip in his favorite Japanese school girl simulator, as well as slip himself into a Japanese school girl outfit. Though, he won’t slip himself into a Japanese school girl; he’s not a pedophile, as far as we know. -ed) Sure, Bulletstorm had some problems, but they would likely be fixed in a sequel. Hopefully, People Can Fly can figure out that it’s idiotic to award skill points for crossing conveniently placed monkey bars or looking up at a ship flying overhead, because those are things a young child could do, proving conclusively that they require no skill at all.

Unfortunately, there won’t be a sequel. Bulletstorm didn’t make any money. It’s baffling how that’s possible. Even with it’s completely silly and idiotic marketing campaign, we thought word would eventually spread that the game is not completely retarded. I mean, it’s pretty retarded, but only in the best way, like the sweet kid who does such a good job bagging my groceries. You’re doing a good job, kid. Your dream of one day being an astronaut is definitely going to happen!

However, the collective Internet-commenting brain trust is too busy thumbing their nose at Bulletstorm, by putting their thumb so far up their nose that they’ve pierced the part of their brain that knows what the hell it’s talking about, to actually play Bulletstorm. Many of them seem to think that the game’s lack of maturity is what doomed Bulletstorm. What I’m arguing is that its “lack of maturity” (i.e. making a lot of ridiculous dick jokes), is one of the game’s strongest features. How could it be a positive feature, when we here at TM have lambasted the perennially immature Duke Nukem Forever for not only existing, but also making us feel sort of bad for being human, since humanity’s existence set into motion the events that led to its creation?

There isn’t a real quantifiable argument I can put forth other than to say that Bulletstorm is the right kind of stupid. It’s a smart parody of the genuine idiocy contained in every game starring space marines. Maybe if it was making fun of Tolstoy the dick jokes would be out of place, but when you’re poking fun at the tropes in Gears of War, how can you not have dick jokes? I’m looking at the numbers, doing some calculations, and everything is adding up perfectly.

For all of you sophisticated gamers out there, specifically the ones that said they’re actually glad that Bulletstorm failed, presumably while adjusting your monocle or having your butler adjust your monocle after having rubbed you down with Crisco or whatever else you lunatics do as you lie naked together, I’d like you to do me a favor: When you’re dying of a terminal disease, most likely from having your head so swollen full of sophistication that you’re carrying your own cranium around with a wheelbarrow to prevent your neck from snapping in two, give me a call. I’ll be more than happy to let you know that you are definitely failing at continuing to live. Also, your failure fills me with the kind of satisfaction usually reserved for shooting a man in the crotch and getting points for it.

[Source: RPS]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/no-more-bulletstorms/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/assassins-creed-embers-features-old-fart-ezio/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/assassins-creed-embers-features-old-fart-ezio/#comments Mon, 25 Jul 2011 20:02:26 +0000 David http://thickmoustache.com/?p=386

In an effort to stuff out any hope I had for this story concluding in anything close to an efficient way (too late), Ubisoft has revealed that our hero Ezio of Assassin’s Creed II and Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, will be shown struggling with old age in an animated short, Assassin’s Creed: Embers. I can only assume this will mostly be about his swollen prostate, a tragic dependence on male fertility drugs, and the struggles of changing your own adult diapers.

In all honesty, I just want Assassin’s Creed to come to a graceful end. I never finished the first one because it was a frustratingly boring pile of shit. I’m amazed I even picked up the second one, but after many an assurance that it didn’t suck, the franchise won me over. The last two games ended in cliff hangers, and the whole thing is threatening to lose me once again because they don’t know how to end a fucking story.

So seriously, Ubisoft. Let’s wrap up the Desmond saga this time around and move onto other things. Ancient Japan, anyone? Maybe some futuristic assassins? Or just some closure, please? Please?

[Source: Kotaku]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/assassins-creed-embers-features-old-fart-ezio/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/battlefield-3-distracting-me-with-gorgeous-destruction/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/battlefield-3-distracting-me-with-gorgeous-destruction/#comments Mon, 25 Jul 2011 15:56:47 +0000 Sean http://thickmoustache.com/?p=380

The parts of my brain still capable of rational thought just shut off every time I see gameplay footage from Battlefield 3. I should be annoyed by the focus on scripted events instead of robust, dynamic gameplay. I should point out that the length of the single-player campaign is probably a lot shorter than anyone will like. And I should be critical of Electronic Art’s attempt to wring extra money out of us all by slicing off 20% of this game and selling it to us as downloadable content.

But then, I watch tanks leaping into and over fresh artillery craters in a beautifully-rendered desert. My eyes glaze over as high-definition cluster bombs detonate overhead and A-10s gracefully strafe hostile rocket artillery. Every explosion looks like it was ripped right out of footage from Operation Desert Storm. Rational critique seeps out of the bottom of my brain and I immediately begin looking for someone’s money to throw at EA. Damn you, fallible human psyche. Damn you to hell.

[Source: Youtube]

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/battlefield-3-distracting-me-with-gorgeous-destruction/feed/ 0 http://thickmoustache.com/games/surprise-camping-trip/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/surprise-camping-trip/#comments Sun, 24 Jul 2011 23:14:20 +0000 Sean http://thickmoustache.com/?p=321
Read Phase 3 here

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Delta
Difficulty: Hard

Much progress has been made constructing the outer walls of my 3rd Nether base, which I have named The Citadel. Despite the conspicuous absence of the nether’s usual flying tormentors during this phase, construction has not gone smoothly. Attempting to avoid the hassle of hauling large amounts of Cobblestone from my primary base, I managed to get lost in the middle of the woods. Nightfall is quickly descending and the chances of finding my way back are slim.

Phase 3A: I Am Lost in the Middle of the Woods, What the Hell

Night is going to be here very soon, and the my inventory consists of a mostly-used stone pickaxe, four pieces of coal, and several full stacks of cobblestone. Ten minutes ago, I was the lord and master of massive fortresses built within hell itself. Now I’m reduced to cowering like a medieval peasant because the sun’s going down. Time to man the hell up.

I leap heroically from the tree upon which I had been perched, racing the light west toward a clearing with a small hill I could use for shelter. I see a flock of sheep nearby between the trees. Sheep mean wool for a bed, and a bed means I can bypass the night entirely! I rapidly alter my course, executing advanced strafing maneuvers gained from hours spent playing first-person shooters. Four well-timed punches liberate the wool from three sheep and uselessly punch a nearby tree. Wool acquired, I alter my course again and arrive at the small mound that would be tonight’s shelter. I need planks, and so the nearest tree is annihilated in a furious display of pugilism.

I can already hear a skeleton in the distance, its bones rattling like the wind chime on Satan’s porch. Time was short! I quickly excavate a shelter large enough for me and a crafting bench and seal myself in it behind a wall of dirt. Now isolated from the hostile mobs outside, I’m free to carve out a spartan but classy living space, including a bed and a few decorative torches.



Confident that I’ve saved myself from my own idiotic love of nature, I settle down for the evening. This is actually one of the first times I’ve ever used a bed – there’s no need to differentiate between day and night when the only source of light is either giant pools of molten rock  or fires started by giant pools of molten rock. Unfortunately for me, I was not destined to sleep soundly this night. As soon as my screen fades to black, I’m immediately confronted by a zombie directly next to the bed. How did this happen? Did zombies, like raptors, gain the ability to open doors? Was this some kind of teleporting super-zombie? I have just enough time to hit it with a pickaxe before it kills me.

I may have lost my supply of cobblestone, but at least my ordeal in the forest was at an end. I’m confident that the loading screen will be replaced by the safety of my spawn point and the safehouse I had constructed around it. My confidence is tragically misplaced.

In the adrenaline-induced hysteria brought upon me by my race through the forest, I forgot that sleeping in a bed changes one’s spawn point to that location. And I am now paying for my lack of judgement. My spawn point had been reset to a primitive shelter in the middle of nowhere – not even death could resolve my current predicament.

Donning my imagined pith helmet, I mark my primitive hovel with a totem of cobblestone and torches and set out in a series of merciless clear-cutting expeditions. If I can’t find the tunnel back to my portal because of this forest, then I’ll teach these overgrown shrubs what happens when they screw with me.

Each day I depart my shelter armed with stone axes and the will to visit destruction upon the virginal woods around me. At sunrise I raid the forest, carving a path of vegetative destruction through the peaceful glades. Then at sunset, I retreat back to my shelter, gravid with harvested wood like some kind of reverse vegetarian vampire. After what seems like a week of furiously hacking at trees, I see it! A single beacon of light in the distance, the warm glow illuminating what could only be my tunnel back to the Nether.



Forget this stupid, cheery forest and all of its lively skeleton-filled greenery. I’m returning to the warm, sulfury embrace of the Nether as soon as the sun rises.

]]> http://thickmoustache.com/games/surprise-camping-trip/feed/ 2 http://thickmoustache.com/games/is-facebook-gaming-in-decline/ http://thickmoustache.com/games/is-facebook-gaming-in-decline/#comments Fri, 22 Jul 2011 15:12:30 +0000 Sean http://thickmoustache.com/?p=374

I sure as hell hope so, because it hurts to see so much human potential wasted on Farmville and Cityville. Especially when they could be wasting it on Minecraft instead.

But perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel! According to Business Insider, Zynga (the evil wizards responsible for Farmville and its equally-pointless variants) is losing 5-10% of their playerbase every month. Does this mean that such painfully shallow games are incapable of maintaining players over a long period of time? Hopefully yes, because I’m pretty sure that those crappy Facebook games have been responsible for more lost global productivity than the flu. Frankly, I’d rather deal with the infectious disease.

[Source: Business Insider]

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