Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Duke Nukem Forever: First Impressions

Posted by David on June 15th, 2011

Duke Nukem: Douchebag.

After 12 years, I finally got my hands on Duke Nukem Forever last night, and I think I finally understand why it took them so long:

The testers were waiting for the goddamned thing to load.

It does its very best to recapture the ol’ Duke magic, but at every step of the way, it falls flat on its sunglass-wearing face. Granted, I’ve only played a couple of levels, but so far, they’ve consisted of the following:

  • Fighting a weird monster in a football stadium (from the demo).
  • Peeing. A lot.
  • A stroll around Duke’s mansion.
  • Fighting some random aliens.
  • A repetitive turret battle against an alien mothership.
  • Random power-ups from peeing, poorly scrawling on whiteboards & books, and eating donuts (among other things)
  • Peeing.

There’s an awful level involving Duke getting shrunk down and driving an RC car around a casino. Oh, does that sound fun to you? Punch yourself in the dick right now. It’s not fun, it’s obnoxious. I know when I’m having fun, because I’m usually smiling or laughing maniacally.

Overall, it’s just the same thing we talked about on The ‘StacheCast from our play through of the demo last week. Swimmy controls, more focus on hokey interactions than actual gameplay, and gratuitous stupidity. Honestly, guys… I know a lot of people worked very hard on this for a very long time, but how can it be this bad? What did they do for 12 years, jerk off and write dick jokes?

I hit a couple of parts where I killed an alien pig and though, “Ok, that was cool,” but this isn’t anything new. Turns out, when you wait 12 years to put out a game, it feels like it was made 12 years ago. Again, I’m only going on the first few levels, but I can already say, if you’re looking to have fun playing a Duke Nukem game, don’t play¬†Duke Nukem Forever. If you’re looking for a game that hits all the same notes and is 100% more fun, go play Bulletstorm. If you’re still feeling nostalgic, just scream “Hail to the King, baby” every time you jackboot a mutant across a level.

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