Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Fallen Earth – Clone Life is a Bitch

Posted by Sean on May 10th, 2011

As a fan of post-apocalyptic games, violence, and ruining someone else’s day, I couldn’t help but take a look at Fallen Earth.

Upon character creation, I was given the exciting choice of being either a grotesque man-ape or a standard post-society streetwalker. I eventually decided to on the ape-man route because I will not be trading orifice access for food. He has a beard suitable for a somewhat classier apocalyptic setting, because I am all about class. Plus, the beard perfectly complements the bullseye and radiation symbol tattooed in the center of my forehead.

A picture of a large, gruff character from Fallen Earth

Neanderthal man-ape created, I am now shat directly into the action. Apparently the Hoover Dam is where all the cool kids hang out, and the first thing I do is wake up in what appears to be a broken holding tank in the middle of some generic chamber of science.

Thankfully, there is a scientist working at a terminal nearby, surely he can assist me in finding the exit. A small instruction window pops up, ordering me to “kill the technician”. He doesn’t even get to be a real scientist before he gets beaten to death by an angry dude with a leather wife-beater. The apocalypse is a cruel mistress.

Having succeeded in my noble mission of beating an unarmed man of science to death with my bare hands, someone on an intercom says that I should go out of the room and look for a weapon. As she is not immediately available to be beaten to death, I have no choice but to listen. I walk out of the only door into a large cafeteria strewn with dead bodies.

At this point I need to find a weapon of some kind. Conveniently, someone left an axe right in this guy’s head for me to use. I am transformed from an angry clone to an angry clone/lumberjack (Spoiler alert: The trees are people).

A picture of a character from Fallen Earth standing over an axe embedded into some poor sap's skull

After running through a few rooms and mercilessly killing guards with a large axe, I eventually inherit my first ranged weapon…a glorified air rifle called a ‘Zip Gun’. Is this really what the guards used to kill everyone in the cafeteria? This gun looks and sounds like it could barely break skin.

Apparently there is a bomb in the facility, and I’m the only one who can deal with this situation. This bomb itself is actually not especially dangerous, but it’s sitting in a room full of poison gas barrels that will kill everyone if breached. Interesting that cloning technology has survived the apocalypse but the advanced knowledge of closing doors has been forever lost in the sands of time.

I had assumed that I would be disarming said bomb, but this is the apocalypse and we don’t do things like that here. Apparently the whole “clone” thing means that if I die I’ll be resurrected with my personality and memories intact, and I’ll be leveraging this unique ability by blowing myself up in order to save the Hoover Dam. No one asks me if I want to save the Hoover Dam or if I’m okay with exploding violently. Clone life is a bitch.

A character from Fallen Earth sitting in a go-kart with explosives strapped to it for some unexplainable reason

The bomb is strapped to a go-kart, and I need to drive it into a vault before the bomb explodes. Why exactly would they have strapped the bomb to a vehicle? Why did they just leave the keys in the ignition? I tried usurping my dam-saving fate by shooting, chopping, and punching the bomb in question to no avail. In the end I hop onto the undersized vehicle and drive off into an explosion sunset. Let’s hope that all of my missions don’t end this way.

Comments are closed.

'StacheCast: Every Tuesday!
RSS | iTunes

One Last Missive

One Last Missive

A transmission for those who are lost.

Let's Play: Every Friday!

Portal 2: Peer Review – Part 6

Portal 2: Peer Review – Part 6

Seriously, let's play Portal 2.

6. “Urine?”
Big surprise, we solved some puzzles. Bigger surprise? We didn’t spend a good fifteen minutes staring at the walls in hopes of figuring it out. Yup, we really had our genius hats on for this one, right up until our enlarged genius-brain filled heads couldn’t fit through the exit door. Then we took off our genius caps and promptly realized we were still morons.