Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

No More Bulletstorms

Posted by Asif on July 25th, 2011

The only way to make shooting a man in the face rewarding again was to give it a point value.

If we did an annual top 10 games list, as mandated by the heavy-set sweat-bags in Sailor Moon teeshirts that invented games journalism, Bulletstorm would probably be in our 2011 list. (There won’t be a list because Sean would try to slip in his favorite Japanese school girl simulator, as well as slip himself into a Japanese school girl outfit. Though, he won’t slip himself into a Japanese school girl; he’s not a pedophile, as far as we know. -ed) Sure, Bulletstorm had some problems, but they would likely be fixed in a sequel. Hopefully, People Can Fly can figure out that it’s idiotic to award skill points for crossing conveniently placed monkey bars or looking up at a ship flying overhead, because those are things a young child could do, proving conclusively that they require no skill at all.

Unfortunately, there won’t be a sequel. Bulletstorm didn’t make any money. It’s baffling how that’s possible. Even with it’s completely silly and idiotic marketing campaign, we thought word would eventually spread that the game is not completely retarded. I mean, it’s pretty retarded, but only in the best way, like the sweet kid who does such a good job bagging my groceries. You’re doing a good job, kid. Your dream of one day being an astronaut is definitely going to happen!

However, the collective Internet-commenting brain trust is too busy thumbing their nose at Bulletstorm, by putting their thumb so far up their nose that they’ve pierced the part of their brain that knows what the hell it’s talking about, to actually play Bulletstorm. Many of them seem to think that the game’s lack of maturity is what doomed Bulletstorm. What I’m arguing is that its “lack of maturity” (i.e. making a lot of ridiculous dick jokes), is one of the game’s strongest features. How could it be a positive feature, when we here at TM have lambasted the perennially immature Duke Nukem Forever for not only existing, but also making us feel sort of bad for being human, since humanity’s existence set into motion the events that led to its creation?

There isn’t a real quantifiable argument I can put forth other than to say that Bulletstorm is the right kind of stupid. It’s a smart parody of the genuine idiocy contained in every game starring space marines. Maybe if it was making fun of Tolstoy the dick jokes would be out of place, but when you’re poking fun at the tropes in Gears of War, how can you not have dick jokes? I’m looking at the numbers, doing some calculations, and everything is adding up perfectly.

For all of you sophisticated gamers out there, specifically the ones that said they’re actually glad that Bulletstorm failed, presumably while adjusting your monocle or having your butler adjust your monocle after having rubbed you down with Crisco or whatever else you lunatics do as you lie naked together, I’d like you to do me a favor: When you’re dying of a terminal disease, most likely from having your head so swollen full of sophistication that you’re carrying your own cranium around with a wheelbarrow to prevent your neck from snapping in two, give me a call. I’ll be more than happy to let you know that you are definitely failing at continuing to live. Also, your failure fills me with the kind of satisfaction usually reserved for shooting a man in the crotch and getting points for it.

[Source: RPS]

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