Posted by Asif on May 2nd, 2011
There aren’t a lot of places where Norse mythology, shooting the undead, and Steven Seagal come together. While going through this week’s notable game releases, that’s exactly what happened. We also learned some heartwarming lessons about the intellectually challenged and race relations. Videogames have so many things to teach that have nothing to do with murder.
Thor: God of Thunder (5/3/11)
This comes out just in time for the Thor movie. These tie-in games are a lot like the tie-in toys at McDonald’s: they’re usually terrible. As a kid it’s exciting to get an action figure just for eating a hamburger, until you realize your new action figure’s actions are limited to standing around. If standing in one spot and staring off into space makes you actiony, then I’ve got a bunch of mentally challenged children I’d like to put in Hollywood’s next big action movie. They’ll be great. So full of action.
Would the Thor movie be better with an all-retard cast? I haven’t seen the movie so it’s difficult to say, but I have a hard time thinking that it wouldn’t be. At the very least it would be way more uplifting. Just now, I unconsciously grabbed and started waving a little American flag thinking about it.
Will this game, like Forrest Gump, beat the odds of eventually living in a group home and be unexpectedly uplifting? Play it and let us know. We’ll take your word for it.
Call of Duty: Black Ops – Escalation (5/3/11)
If you’re not tired of riddling zombies full of bullets, there’s a co-op zombie map in the new Black Ops DLC. I don’t know what’s going on at Treyarch, but apparently gunning down communists and other enemies of freedom is not enough; they love putting zombie-related content in Call of Duty games. I’m sure it’s because they love zombies, but at what point does that innocent love become perverted and turn into something more sinister? What I’m getting at here is necrophilia. It’s only a matter of time, Treyarch. It’s only a matter of time… and a candle-lit morgue visit.
The zombie campaign here is a bit different in that it stars George Romero, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Danny Trejo, the guy who plays Freddy Krueger, and another guy who plays a racist redneck on The Walking Dead. The common thread between all of them is that they’re portrayed in-game by some creepy, wax museum-style animatronics.
Yep. That’s Maxim magazine’s 2008 Woman of the Year – whatever the hell that means – creeping us all out. There goes a million nerds’ fantasies about Buffy wadded up in a tissue and thrown out the window.
MotorStorm: Apocalypse (5/3/11)
This ain’t your daddy’s apocalypse! The world is ending and humanity celebrates the only way it knows how: off-roading and racing to the finish line of human existence. At the end of the world there will be sweet jumps.
Under Siege (5/3/11)
Steven Seagal battles a ship full of mercenaries and the effects of aging in this real-time strategy game. Not to spoil anything, but aging wins.
Avadon: The Black Fortress (5/2/11)
There aren’t enough black characters in games. It’s good to see a fantasy RPG devoted to bringing us the stories of an entire fortress of black people. It’s a bold move, considering that black folks don’t exist in any known fantasy world. With that in mind, this is practically pioneering a new genre, the fantasy fantasy world. It’s such a crazy fantasy world that only the people living in another fantasy world could cook it up.
CORRECTION: After some cursory research, it turns out there may not be any black characters in the game after all.
New Boyz: The WORLD (5/2/11)
On the other hand, New Boyz definitely features black people. The New Boyz are a hip hop duo, now starring in an online game centered around cashing in on their fame in any way possible. For those of you uncomfortable with the idea of so many black people in a videogame without the reassuring words “Def Jam” or “50 Cent” in the title, calm yourself. This game is sure to feature the tried-and-true caucasian tradition of white people pretending to be black.
New Boyz: The WORLD features “world” in all caps and it’s not clear why. Whoever was in charge of titling the game must have started typing the name, switched to the New Boyz forum to type an angry all-caps message regarding the group’s exclusion from MTV’s Top 10 Hottest MCs list, went back to writing their email with the caps lock still on, then, while still in a rage, sent it out to the entire team. Some suit saw the email, thought it was so edgy and cool to have “world” in caps that they immediately approved it and promoted that individual to VP of Hip [Hop] Ideas. Cut to right now, where none of us are playing this game.