Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Surprise Camping Trip!

Posted by Sean on July 24th, 2011


Read Phase 3 here

Game: Minecraft
Project: Nether Delta
Difficulty: Hard

Much progress has been made constructing the outer walls of my 3rd Nether base, which I have named The Citadel. Despite the conspicuous absence of the nether’s usual flying tormentors during this phase, construction has not gone smoothly. Attempting to avoid the hassle of hauling large amounts of Cobblestone from my primary base, I managed to get lost in the middle of the woods. Nightfall is quickly descending and the chances of finding my way back are slim.

Phase 3A: I Am Lost in the Middle of the Woods, What the Hell

Night is going to be here very soon, and the my inventory consists of a mostly-used stone pickaxe, four pieces of coal, and several full stacks of cobblestone. Ten minutes ago, I was the lord and master of massive fortresses built within hell itself. Now I’m reduced to cowering like a medieval peasant because the sun’s going down. Time to man the hell up.

I leap heroically from the tree upon which I had been perched, racing the light west toward a clearing with a small hill I could use for shelter. I see a flock of sheep nearby between the trees. Sheep mean wool for a bed, and a bed means I can bypass the night entirely! I rapidly alter my course, executing advanced strafing maneuvers gained from hours spent playing first-person shooters. Four well-timed punches liberate the wool from three sheep and uselessly punch a nearby tree. Wool acquired, I alter my course again and arrive at the small mound that would be tonight’s shelter. I need planks, and so the nearest tree is annihilated in a furious display of pugilism.

I can already hear a skeleton in the distance, its bones rattling like the wind chime on Satan’s porch. Time was short! I quickly excavate a shelter large enough for me and a crafting bench and seal myself in it behind a wall of dirt. Now isolated from the hostile mobs outside, I’m free to carve out a spartan but classy living space, including a bed and a few decorative torches.

Confident that I’ve saved myself from my own idiotic love of nature, I settle down for the evening. This is actually one of the first times I’ve ever used a bed – there’s no need to differentiate between day and night when the only source of light is either giant pools of molten rock  or fires started by giant pools of molten rock. Unfortunately for me, I was not destined to sleep soundly this night. As soon as my screen fades to black, I’m immediately confronted by a zombie directly next to the bed. How did this happen? Did zombies, like raptors, gain the ability to open doors? Was this some kind of teleporting super-zombie? I have just enough time to hit it with a pickaxe before it kills me.

I may have lost my supply of cobblestone, but at least my ordeal in the forest was at an end. I’m confident that the loading screen will be replaced by the safety of my spawn point and the safehouse I had constructed around it. My confidence is tragically misplaced.

In the adrenaline-induced hysteria brought upon me by my race through the forest, I forgot that sleeping in a bed changes one’s spawn point to that location. And I am now paying for my lack of judgement. My spawn point had been reset to a primitive shelter in the middle of nowhere – not even death could resolve my current predicament.

Donning my imagined pith helmet, I mark my primitive hovel with a totem of cobblestone and torches and set out in a series of merciless clear-cutting expeditions. If I can’t find the tunnel back to my portal because of this forest, then I’ll teach these overgrown shrubs what happens when they screw with me.

Each day I depart my shelter armed with stone axes and the will to visit destruction upon the virginal woods around me. At sunrise I raid the forest, carving a path of vegetative destruction through the peaceful glades. Then at sunset, I retreat back to my shelter, gravid with harvested wood like some kind of reverse vegetarian vampire. After what seems like a week of furiously hacking at trees, I see it! A single beacon of light in the distance, the warm glow illuminating what could only be my tunnel back to the Nether.

Forget this stupid, cheery forest and all of its lively skeleton-filled greenery. I’m returning to the warm, sulfury embrace of the Nether as soon as the sun rises.

2 Responses to Surprise Camping Trip!

  1. Ok, you keep tempting me to buy minecraft. STOP IT ;)

    • And you will continue to be tempted until your will fails you! It really is the best sandbox experience $20 can buy, as demonstrated by these articles.

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