Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Week of 5/23/11 – Duke Nukem Impostor Alert

Posted by Asif on May 25th, 2011

This article has been sponsored by Monster energy enemas: the energetic way to start your day.

I’ve made a pretty big deal over the last few weeks about weird and unnecessary capital letters in the names of games. Usually, it’s just a single word in caps for no good reason. Well, congratulations DiRT 3, you’ve broken me. You went above and beyond the call of idiocy on this one, when you decided to capitalize only some of the letters in a word rather than the entire thing. But, you know what? You’ve been doing it for three games, so I guess you get a free pass. Luckily, there are a bunch of other games released this week and all of them follow appropriate rules of capitalization. So, I guess that’s progress.

DiRT 3 (5/24)

I still enjoy driving my car on the road, so the reasons for the steady growth of the off-road racing sub-genre are unclear to me. I don’t know if there are a lot of off-roading enthusiasts, who after a long day of actual off-roading, want to sit on a couch and pretend to off-road. Whatever the case, the reviews have been strong for this powerful story of dirt falling in love with the four most important wheels of its life. It’s basically HBO’s Big Love but with more ads for Monster energy drink.

The one thing about this game that bothers me is that somehow, between all of the off-roading action in DiRT 3, they managed to stick in a zombie mode. I don’t know if there is an edict which proclaims that all games must have some sort of zombie mode now, but I think we all can agree that whoever came up with that edict can off-road themselves right off a cliff.

Kung Fu Panda 2: The Video Game (5/24)

I don’t think the people who came up with Kung Fu Panda have ever seen an actual panda. If they’d seen one in person they’d know that pandas are the most unlikely animal to do pretty much anything, including Kung Fu or things that might make them breathe hard. They’re basically the fat nerd of the animal kingdom. I guess that’s why they made the panda in the movie so tubby, or maybe because he’s played by Jack Black, the famous chubby man.

I don’t know if Jack Black or his partner in crime, Jack Black’s Massive Head, know any Kung Fu, but the animators at Dreamworks have me convinced that if I got into a fight with Jack Black either he or his gargantuan head would hit me so hard with their massive gut, my head might fly off my shoulders.

Dead or Alive: Dimensions (5/24)

Another Dead or Alive sequel, but this time on the 3DS. What does this mean for the famous boob physics of previous games? It probably means you’re going to feel like you’re about to get poked right in your eye. Good luck getting all that boob out of your eye at an emergency eye washing station.

Dungeons and Dragons: Daggerdale (5/24)

If there has to be a fantasy game this week, because there must be a fantasy game every week, it might as well be directly related to D&D. This week’s adventure to fantasyland takes us through the fanciful town of Daggerdale, where a rich history of stabbings guarantee that you will probably be stabbed by a dagger or its bigger brother, the sword. Either way, stabbings for everyone. If you get tired of all the stabbing you can run off for some awkward moments in the neighboring town of Inappropriatetouchingdale.

Duke Nukem: Critical Mass (5/25)

In advance of Duke Nukem Forever, this DS platformer is hitting the streets. I can barely find any information about this game, other than some videos on YouTube that make it look pretty terrible. It hits all the hallmarks of a Duke Nukem game: scantily clad women in need of rescue, those same women pledging their undying allegiance to Duke, followed by them gyrating around in a way that is supposed to be sexy but ends up just making you feel bad for the lack of a strong father figure in their life. The only thing missing in all of this is the heart. I’m guessing the artist responsible for putting in the heart was too busy hiding the huge boner he was sporting while animating the gyrating woman. That happens sometimes.

With all of the hype and interest surrounding Duke Nukem Forever, it would make sense for the developers of Critical Mass to latch on to that momentum and use it to sell more copies. However, it seems like they’re keying in on another hallmark of the Duke Nukem series from the last decade and a half: catastrophic levels of incompetence.

Paws and Claws: Pampered Pets 2 (5/24)

This is one of those pet simulator games in long line of shameful pet simulator games where you can slap around and starve a virtual puppy until it virtual dies. The difference with this game is that the player runs a pet spa with all the amenities of a human spa: acupuncture, massages, exfoliating facial scrubs, and deadly cosmetics testing. I really don’t want to be the one to tell a young child that the reason their beloved chihuahua’s face has swollen to the size of a 15 pound bowling ball and can no longer ingest liquids is because they used too much experimental eye shadow. But I will lie and tell that child that the uncontrollable stream of tears flowing out of the chihuahua’s puffy eyes are tears of joy.

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