Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Week of 5/30/11 – Synonyms for Slow

Posted by Asif on June 2nd, 2011

I see someone figured out how to use the brown paint bucket tool.

It’s a light week for videogame releases. According to the massive amounts of online ads I’ve seen, the only major game out is Hunted: The Demon’s Forge. It stars a barbarian and an elf woman killing some orcs, having some laughs, and probably saving the world, all while ignoring the hot inter-species sexual tension. In the shadow of that high level of originality, the rest of the releases are sequels, expansions, and boring. I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. In fact, wake me up when something I really care about comes out. Like Duke Nukem Forever. It’s out in only two weeks, people, then our long national nightmare can finally end. By that I mean it’ll be the end of all the dumb Duke Nukem Forever jokes. “Duke Nukem Forever, more like never!” Go to hell, Internet, and take your stupid banner ads with you. (Please click on our banner ads. -ed)

Hunted: The Demon’s Forge (5/31/11)

This dragon and giant spider killing simulator is published by Bethesda, one of the world’s premiere manufacturers of dragon and giant spider killing simulators. Bethesda has published quite a few externally developed games in the last several years, but despite success developing their own games, they have no idea what the hell they’re doing with the publishing side of things. Their publishing catalogue ranges from mediocre to games so terrible that Uwe Boll wouldn’t direct a movie based on them. To put that into perspective, Uwe Boll found a way to do three Bloodrayne movies. He could squeeze a trilogy out of a dog turd with googly eyes.

This, of course, says nothing about the quality of Hunted. Early reviews point to it being spectacularly mediocre. I guess that’s a win for the Bethesda executive in charge of publishing games that are not out-and-out awful. It must be an exciting day for them and their family. I’m decidedly less excited, but I promise not to hold any of this against Bethesda when Skyrim comes out in November. More importantly, I also promise to make at least one Skyrim job joke in the review.

The Sims 3: Generations (5/31/11)

It’s another Sims expansion pack. This time it’s about enjoying “a whole spectrum of rich life experiences” from the comfortable, rich life experience of sitting in a chair. Your Sims can now get into all kinds of wacky hi-jinks, like dying in a fire, dying locked in a closet that’s slowly filling with water, and dying in a tragic auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Fun for the whole family.

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift II (5/31/11)

The 2D fighting game port is coming to both the PSP and the 3DS. This should be exciting news for all five of you that own either a PSP or 3DS and care about this game. On the bright side, BlazBlue is some of the best 2D fighting action you’ll find. Is it because no one makes 2D fighting games anymore? I have no idea. I’m already bored thinking about the topic, but here’s some exciting news you may not have heard: an anagram for BlazBlue is “Blue Balz”.

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