Posted by Asif on May 9th, 2011
The next few weeks are going to be filled with big releases. This week it’s Brink. Next week it’s LA Noire. Before long we’ll be playing Duke Nukem Forever with its creepy, plastic women and feeling really bad about ourselves for it. But enough about self-loathing, let’s see what’s out this week.
The First Templar (5/10/11)
I’ve had just about enough of the Templars. Nearly every conspiracy story these days has them in it. I’m sick of it. No more Templars. Unless this game is about going back in time to kill the First Templar, preventing me from having to experience any more Templar-based entertainment, I’m not interested.
If videogames have taught us anything about the future it’s that it will be terrible. There’ll still be guns to shoot people, but, contrary to contemporary thought, children are not the future. In fact, there probably won’t be many children in the future on account of all the shooting. Brink reinforces those ideas in a class and objective-based, team shooter.
It also features parkour character maneuvers, which, if done well, would be the first time that parkour action and shooting some dudes has been successfully merged. In an effort to preemptively lessen their own accomplishments, however, Brink also features some escort missions. Nothing makes parkour and shooting less fun then escorting a slow moving jackass through a barrage of bullets.
That said, it still looks like it’s worth giving a shot. If you exclusively play games on a PS3 maybe you should sit this one out until Sony finally gets PSN up and running again, which by Sony’s generous calculations happened a few weeks ago. Though, if you want, you can still enjoy this team shooter all by yourself. Then, using the power of your imagination, you can pretend you’re playing with your friends. If you don’t have any friends, then it’s all the same to you, in which case, go crazy, which you probably already have from all of the loneliness.
This game takes place in the rich world of Persian mythology; a world where one man carries an impossibly large sword and proceeds to kill thousands of monsters. Who knew Persian mythology was so incredibly similar to 90 percent of videogames?
Judging from this picture, it looks like Garshasp was born to be in a videogame or a Prince of Persia cosplay contest.
On the game’s website, the developer says that their “revolutionary” game is based on an epic poem. I hope they’re right about the revolutionary part, because the last time someone released a game based on an epic poem it didn’t go so well.
LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean: The Video Game (5/10/11)
Traveller’s Tales has built a factory for these LEGO games that would make Henry Ford or the Chinese gentleman who runs the Nike shoe factories proud. If there’s a financially successful series of movies, keep a lookout for a LEGO game featuring it in the next few years. I’m excited for when they eventually get to LEGO James Bond: The Video Game. I’m sure it’ll be pretty good, right up until LEGO Bond slaps a LEGO Bond Girl right on her boxy rear. Then, the game will propel itself into being an instant classic for LEGO fetishists.
Virtua Tennis 4 (5/10/11)
Remember when tennis was really popular? Me neither, but who doesn’t love Virtua Tennis? They’re good games. While I’m sure it’s great to play as Boris Becker or Michael Chan, I’m still waiting for a Virtua Cop sequel. The way things are now, though, market forces will ensure that the game takes place in Badmanistan, populated by a gallery of brown men to eviscerate with a Freedom Glock.
You know what? Forget I said anything. More tennis!
Hydrophobia Prophecy (5/9/11)
Hydrophobia occurs in the later stages of a rabies infection. The victim has trouble swallowing, panics when presented with liquids, and is unable to quench their thirst. It’s not something you’d usually see a developer take on as the subject of a game, but sometimes it just takes a developer brave enough to expose the plight of the poor suckers with rabies.
Actually, it looks like the developers of Hydrophobia Prophecy got hydrophobia mixed up with aquaphobia, the fear of water. Apparently, a lot of the game is dependent on the games dynamic water physics. How might this technology affect the game? Rob Hewson, the game’s designer, had this to say:
[A] player might shoot fuel barrels which let even more water into the scene but also spawn floating fuel fires which are carried around with the flow and find they need to resort to underwater action. – From a PS3 Attitude interview
Just when you thought this game’s water physics might lead you too far off the beaten path of gaming, your old buddy, the exploding barrel, is there to lend a familiar and volatile hand. If I had a dollar for every time an exploding barrel made a game better in the last five years I would have at least five dollars. Maybe six.