Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Week of 6/20/11 – Shadows of the Lazy

Posted by Asif on June 24th, 2011

It's blurry on purpose. Obviously.
Another week, another late edition of Release Notes. I blame my ongoing battle with a chronic, laziness-based sleeping disorder. While sitting down to type, I often put my head down to think. After about fifteen seconds of intense thought, I just fall asleep. On one hand, I haven’t been particularly productive. On the other hand, I feel great. So, I’ll have plenty of energy to sit down, play some games, and maybe procrastinate on something important.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (6/19/11)

Somewhere, deep in the bowels Nintendo’s fungineering building, there is a creativity machine fueled by pure nostalgia and, when some dumb kid wanders into the machine room on Bring Your Child to Work Day, children. Since childhood is where nostalgia is usually rooted, the machine can’t tell if it’s eating nostalgia or children and will devour either to fuel itself. The machine is not, as some have suggested, a child predator. The machine has no sexual organs. It’s more like a child mass murderer.

This remastered rerelease of Ocarina of Time is an attempt to appease the machine, drawing out waves of nostalgia from people who are old enough to actually be embarrassed by running around as a guy in a green dress. Nintendo redid the graphics and made the whole thing 3D. Otherwise, the game is pretty much the same Ocarina of Time I loved when I was young enough to be devoured by a machine of unknown – probably demonic – origin. I don’t know if this game will sell many new 3DS units, but it’s nice to know that the best game on a new, innovative handheld came out 13 years ago.

Dungeon Siege III (6/21/11)

From the fine developers at Obsidian, makers of crippling bugs wrapped in game mechanics such as Alpha Protocol and Fallout:New Vegas, comes a Dungeon Siege sequel. It looks like they’ve taken out all the sieging and are relying strictly on dungeoneering for this follow up. That’s fine as far as I’m concerned. I have a pretty strict anti-sieging policy in games. I mean, sure, if you enjoy the thrills of standing outside of a castle for a few months, waiting for the people inside to start dying of starvation, then siege away. I’m looking for something a little more exciting in my games. Usually, the idea of hitting an orc/dark elf/giant spider with a sword makes me bitter, but when the alternative is sieging some dungeons, sign me up.

F.3.A.R. (6/21/11)

The FEAR series has a unique take on the horror genre. Traditionally, horror in games relies on leaving the player under-equipped, with little ammo. FEAR, on the other hand, gives you a loaded assault rifle. I feel like if I had an assault rile in my hands, most situations get a lot less scary for me and a lot more scary for everyone else. For example, public speaking. Nothing kills public speaking anxiety like palming an AR-15. Suddenly, it’s the the crowd that’s profusely sweating and lightly wetting themselves.

For the people who don’t feel secure enough with an assault rifle, FEAR also has giant assault mechs. I guess this is a bold move into the brave new market for horror games catering to pansies.

Shadows of the Damned (6/21/11)

This collaboration between Suda51 (No More Heroes) and Shinji Mikami (Resident Evil 4) is pretty exciting, namely because Suda51 is involved. If Suda is making a game you can expect something that no one else would be doing, mostly because publishing big wigs don’t give millions of dollars to crazed lunatics. You can also expect that some of the game’s mechanics are going to be really punk, by which I mean not that good. The point is, though, that Suda’s games are charming as hell, funny, and vulgar, without making everyone at TM feel terrible inside. Take some notes Duke Nukem Forever, you sad old man. And stop dribbling urine on our rug. I don’t care what venereal disease you’ve got. It’s not ok.

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