Posted by Asif on June 28th, 2011
I’ll be honest, it’s not a strong week for games. In fact, it’s pretty terrible. I don’t even want to make big deal about it, because one of the games is UFC branded. For the uninitiated, UFC stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship. While that may sound like something a bunch of kids made up while having their action figures fight each other, it’s actually an organization full of people who beat the crap out of each other for a living. Frankly, I’m not looking to be on the wrong side of those guys. In fact, I enjoy watching a UFC event from time to time. With that clear, Sean said the UFC is full of bitches.
Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D (6/28/11)
When Resident Evil started it was about slowly moving through a mansion, shooting skinless dogs, then dying a lot because of the terrible controls. Now? The series has moved towards just shooting the hell out of everything and watching the bloody pulp of enemies pile up. The deep sense of foreboding has been replaced with anally violating zombies with a chain gun. I guess that’s cool, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Mercenaries is a game where gunning everything down in mass quantities is the point. Apparently, a bunch of Japanese men sat in a room and decided the best way to extend the Resident Evil franchise was to take all of its unique attributes, toss them out the window, then add more bullets. I enjoy shooting monsters as much as the next guy, but does this game have to be called “Resident Evil”? Actually, the short answer is yes. It has to be because some poor shmucks will buy the hell out of anything with “Resident Evil” in the title. This also justifies the continued existence of the vaguely related Resident Evil movie franchise. The other justification is so Paul W.S. Anderson can continue writing movies to keep his wife employed and fulfill his fantasy of seeing her float naked in a giant jar full of liquid.
UFC Personal Trainer: The Ultimate Fitness System (6/28/11)
Finally, a personal training videogame for people who don’t mind being punched in the face. Instead of being calmly urged on by a woman doing yoga, UFC Personal Trainer features a giant man, who could murder me by ripping my head off with his oven-mit sized hands, yelling a lot in the hopes of unleashing my inner warrior. Unfortunately, that inner warrior is buried under a layer of irrational fear of midget clowns and years of sitting in front of a computer all day.
Sadly, the game uses the Kinect, which I don’t own. But to those of you that do own one, have fun beating the hell out of the air in your living room. A great martial artist would remind us that the greatest enemy is within us, but I’m pretty sure the biggest enemy of people playing this will be making sure enough air gets in their lungs before they pass out and choke on their own vomit.
Sniper: Ghost Warrior (6/28/11)
Somewhere along the line, Tom Clancy became a videogame genre. Sniper: Ghost Warrior sounds exactly like a game with Tom Clancy’s name on the cover, but it’s actually just a game in the Tom Clancy genre of covert/tactical military action. Sniper hopes to attract the coveted “Confusion Sale”, a purchase by a parent who confuses Sniper: Ghost Warrior with the Tom Clancy game their child actually wants to play.
The reviews have been terrible for this PS3 release. In fact, the reviews were terrible for the PC and 360 versions when they came out a year ago. Undeterred by mediocrity and outright sucking, the sequel has been greenlit. Apparently, if you run a game company it’s not necessary to like or even play games. If a game sounds like it should sell millions of copies it probably will. Think about it; the title is made up entirely of things that make games good. First, it has a sniper in it. Snipers have been a staple of games for years. Team Fortress 2, an excellent game, has a sniper in it and people seem to like him, despite being Australian and filled with criminal genes. Second, it has a ghost in it. Honestly, I don’t know a lot of good games based around ghosts, mostly because you can’t shoot a ghost to death. However, Starcraft features a “ghost” unit, which is an incredibly popular game. Just ask the Koreans if you’re not too broken up over the whole Korean War thing. Third, all games need some sort of warrior, whether that be the Ultimate Warrior or a gang called The Warriors.
Somewhere in that equation for surefire success they forgot to make the game any good. I’m sure they’ll have it all figured out by the time the sequel comes out. It only took them a year to bang out a PS3 port, so it’s obviously in good hands.