Posted by Asif on July 4th, 2011
It’s the Fourth of July and it was incredibly nice of the game industry to keep everyone focused on American independence by releasing nothing interesting this week. So, our hats off to the game developing patriots in North America, Japan, and Europe. Secretly, you all bleed red, white and blue, and it’s not just because we shot at or dropped bombs on you.
Dead Block (7/6/11)
It’s another zombie game. Fortunately, Dead Block at least tries to be different than most. Instead of blowing zombies away with a shotgun, it’s primarily about barricading yourself inside a safe house and setting up a series of entryway traps to kill zombies. But, like raising children, you can still beat the hell out of them if it comes to that.
Of the three characters in the game, one is a cartoon fat white kid. He’s always shown eating something. I’m sure it’s so many of the fat white kids who play videogames have someone to relate to. If the picture above is any indication, the people who made Dead Block have seen the movie Up, but Pixar didn’t think it was necessary to have the fat kid in that constantly stuffing his face. The fact that he was shaped like a fat kid was enough. It didn’t even cross their minds to put him in a “I am fat because I eat too much” t-shirt.
Playstation Move Ape Escape (7/5/11)
It’s the return of Ape Escape, a series centered on hunting down escaped, super smart apes with the aid of time travel and sending them back to animal testing labs to find a cure for cancer or to scientifically determine the color of lipstick that looks sexiest on a chimp. The original games featured third-person ape wrangling action, but this new entry in the series is an on-rails shooter, except the shooting has been replaced with capturing apes in a net. Having seen the trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes I can pretty confidently say that capturing these super smart apes with a net is probably not enough, unless that net is made entirely out of barbed wire and the barbed wire is dipped in lethal poison. We shouldn’t be teaching kids to take any chances with super smart apes, dolphins or squid. Kill them while you’ve still got the advantage, kids. They’re probably smarter than you, so you’ll be the first ones they replace.
Jewel Match (7/5/11)
This game cuts through all pretense and shows from the get-go that it is heavily inspired by, if not whole-heartedly ripped off from, Bejeweled. The name tells you exactly what the main mechanic of the game is: matching jewels. This version of the game is for the DS, but you can find it all over the web. I played the web version to discover that all of the jewels are constantly spinning for the explicit purpose of giving you a headache, while you try to complete the mystical and ancient task of matching three identical things together. In the old days, before electricity and videogames, if someone found you trying to match three things together all the damn time they’d burn you at the stake for being a witch. Now? It’s the sort of mental disease that’s an entire genre. It makes you wonder what other types of socially reprehensible behavior will one day be a game genre. If you predicted pedophilia, you’re too late. Japan already has that covered.