Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Almighty Thor

Posted by David on July 14th, 2011

A Legend is Born... is it too late for a several millennia late term abortion?

I watched Almighty Thor last night, and I’m still trying to unspool what it was actually about. Obviously, it’s about Thor. Most of the movie he’s running away from Loki, who’s trying to steal the Hammer of Invincibility, as they pass through a couple of vaguely defined dimensions. One of these dimensions is modern-day LA.

Already confused? Let’s move on.

Of the themes that are espoused here, only one lesson is taught: If things aren’t going your way, whine like an imputant bitch until you get sent to hell, then randomly hulk out and win the day. Why? Because because that’s exactly what Thor does, and everything works out just peachy keen. I’ll admit it’s not a great lesson, but it’s the only one we learn.

Oh, and Fate. Fate is BS. Thor manages to make that point so many times I lost count. It was more natural for him to make that point than sneezing, or say, talking. He’s not the greatest talker.

Honestly, I don’t even think Thor is the hero in this particular story. Sure, you want to believe he’s the hero because his name is in the title, and ostensibly he’s the good guy because he’s trying to save Earth, but the problem is that he doesn’t have a redeeming value in him. While it’s claimed that he’s crazy “heroic”, all of his “heroism” boils down to willfully avoiding common sense while getting his ass handed to him repeatedly. That’s not heroism, it’s being a foolhardy twat.

Let’s take every Batman story ever, just to gain a bit of perspective. The Dark Knight becomes aware of an enemy. He must face him(or her), whether he wants to or not, because he’s left with no choice. He’s unprepared, he’s scared, but he does it anyway. Because he has to. Because he’s fucking Batman.

He gets his ass handed to him (sounding familiar?), but then he retreats. He gains an advantage. He learns his enemy. Then, you know what happens? Batman kicks their ass. But he doesn’t do it because he blindly stumbles into it. He does it because he keeps trying, and he works hard at overcoming his obstacles. You know, like a hero.

Thor, on the other hand, is stupid. He’s not smart enough to be afraid of an adversary who has a clear advantage over him, and that’s the difference. Real bravery is knowing how stupidly dangerous it is to do something, and doing it anyway. Thor’s just a jackass hoping to get stupid lucky.

Hell, Loki’s more of a hero here. Sure, Loki was trying to bring on the end times, and that makes him a despicable dick, but at least he isn’t a stupid dick. He worked hard. He overthrew not one, but two dimensions with only himself and some giant dogs. If that’s not heroically overcoming adversity, I don’t know what is.

No you stop!

Those jag-tards aside, there’s the noble Valkyrie, Jarnsaxa, Thor’s semi-Oedipal love interest and constant, completely ignored companion. Ignore that stupid name just long enough to fall in love…

Damn, girl. My hammer feels funny.

She’s honestly the only reasonably admirable person among these lunatics. Jarnsaxa is patient, calm, wise, and highly skilled. She’s the perfect opposite of Thor who is impatient, stupid, stupid, and highly stupid. Like a stupid person who is oozing stupid from their stupid gland, or as it’s commonly known, their brain. Stupid.

She offers Thor training and guidance and shelter countless times, but he just shrugs her off to go face the master of trickery again and again with his stupid face, his stupid brain, and his dumb muscles. Thor is a frat boy, and he’s not going to take any shit from his mommy. Speaking of frat boys, try this when you watch Almighty Thor: Take a drink everytime Thor asks a moronic question. Actually don’t, we don’t want to be held liable for alcohol poisoning.

Seriously, if you can make it through 30 minutes of doing shots by that rules, you’re going to have to trade in your kidneys. They’ll be dead.

At some point, Thor whips out an Uzi. No, I’m not bullshitting, look:

You lazy prick! You’ve got the power of a god and you resort to using a freaking Uzi? Just who in the hell do you think you are? And then you just give it to Loki? Use your super strength to hold onto it as well as you did that hammer! (Before Loki steals it anyhow.)

Finally, it turns out the Hammer, doesn’t matter at all, because the power was within Thor all along, and he just made a new one to crush the old one. He also managed to create a shockwave which somehow didn’t kill everyone on the planet at the same time.

So Thor, unlikeable, unlearning asshole that you are, have fun on Earth. You’re the goddamned lamest god amongst men that there’s ever been. I mean, seriously. Look at this douche bag.

Almight Thor, playing in the sprinklers.

What I’m trying to say is that Almighty Thor is gleefully stupid, and a really good time. Check it out.

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