Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Battle of Los Angeles

Posted by David on May 10th, 2011

Before I begin discussing this movie, allow me to clarify: this is not Battle: LA. If you’re looking for a fun, non-stop alien invasion action movie, watch Battle: LA. If you’re looking for a crappy movie starring that kid Kel from Good Burger and Nia Peeples, watch Battle of Los Angeles.

The story is fairly simple. Aliens are revisiting earth after a confrontation led the U.S. armed forces to engage them in 1942. This time, the invaders mean business as they proceed to destroy vast portions of the city, while a rag-tag group of military folks overcome incredible odds to defeat the aliens. Rejoicing is witnessed. Feel the enthusiasm. Quake with triumph. Huzzah.

After a pointless dogfight where we learn the Earth is defenseless, we join a grizzled military colonel (Now with Signature Cigar and Hard-ass Attitude ®) yelling at some National Guardsman for what proved to be the longest, most pointlessly horrible scene I’ve ever witnessed in film. The camera cuts between the colonel shouting at the kid, the kid wincing and trying to make his hands move to start the jet, and Theresa June Tao (channeling Michelle Rodriguez) making snide remarks about how the kid is holding up her kick-assery. I longed for the real Michelle Rodriguez to rescue us all.

More characters get introduced for no reason whatsoever. The group needs to traverse the city to a rendezvous point and on their way, they run into what can only be described as a weird, stationary, mechanical, alien machine gun. Given the condition of their artillery, I’m shocked the aliens stood a chance against the Bloods and the Crips.

Eventually, they stumble across Miclone Rodriguez again and, I swear to god, Nia Peeples with a samurai sword. She’s plays a military special ops agent in a blue skin-tight jumpsuit wielding a goddamned katana. She arrives by leaping onto an enemy ship and destroying it with her katana. Get it? She’s a badass.

Nia Peeples walks away from a massive fireball, as she doesn't approve of such things.

As awesome as this looks, don't be fooled. This movie is terrible.

For the sake of my sanity and your valuable reading time, I’m going to summarize the rest of the movie. Kel is the chosen one, he pilots an alien ship at light speed into the mother ship, and they fight a giant, squid alien at the end of the movie.

I won’t say there weren’t parts of this movie that I didn’t enjoy. The part where the alien spy sprays Nia Peeples in the face with what I can only presume was acid right before she cuts his head off, for instance, was a non-stop laugh riot. As a result, she winds up in an eyepatch for the rest of the movie. Like she needed to be more badass, am I right?

The rest of it? Meh. It wasn’t even laughably bad for the most part, it was just bad. My girlfriend (who mercifully watches this crap with me) summed it up best by saying, “Everything in this movie is anti-climatic!” I couldn’t agree more. So seriously, don’t watch this. And please, don’t get it confused with Battle: LA. That movie kicked ass. You watch that instead. I’ll let you know when it’s on Netflix.

 

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