Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Posted by David on May 2nd, 2011

Mega Shark and Crocosaurus go fin to claw

There is a vast array of things that that could be said about Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. For instance, one could say, “Truly a masterwork”.

In fact, one did say that. I did, not two nights ago when I sat down with my dearly beloved and watched this pile of crap gone film. Why would I say something so mind-numbingly stupid? Because, while the CGI is terrible, the acting is retarded, and the plot makes no sense, there is one thing that Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is that you wouldn’t expect it to be, based on the rest of the words I’ve put together before these ones: Entertaining.

Now, I should be clear… this is only entertainment gained from the misfortunes of others. The Germans call it “schadenfreude”. I call it watching actors deliver awful lines, or observing giant, poorly animated sharks fight massive, poorly proportioned crocs.

Perhaps I’m strange, but I revel in lines like, “I’ve wrestled lizard creatures with two heads and fifteen tails who ate the flesh… of children.” and “I think the shark… just went nuclear.” getting croaked out by actors who presumably got paid to say these things.

It’s possible you remember one of these actors as “Urkel” from Family Matters, also starring Reginald VelJohnson. Here’s an animated GIF of Reginald VelJohnson, depicting me trying to make sense of things during Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus:

Reginald VelJohnson: Professional Actor.

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus follows Urkel playing the part of a Naval officer who is experimenting with hydro-sonic spheres, which repel sharks. Some vaguely British guy (I thought he was South African until I read otherwise) specializes in hunting monsters. Nothing matters after that except that the Crocosaurus has eggs that somehow attract the Mega Shark. We meander through the rest of the movie using these eggs as the plot device to keep things moving forward, pausing long enough to allow characters to deliver awesome lines like, “We don’t want this thing to buckle like a ping pong ball!” For the record, “this thing” happened to be a nuclear submarine.

In one sequence, the Crocosaurus was making its way to Orlando by way of Miami to rough the place up and lay some eggs in the Epcot Center. To turn the beast back, Urkel decides that what they need is an arc flash. So they overload a nuclear power plant to create some kind of electrical discharge, scaring the Crocosaurus and making it beat a hasty retreat back to the ocean. A lesser man would take this opportunity to point out how stupid this is, but I am going to commend Urkel for whipping out his finely crafted titanium balls.

This and other events culminate in a plan to trap the monsters in the Panama Canal because why not? Incredibly, this doesn’t work, Mega Shark and Crocosaurus go fin-to-claw, and now, I’m going to quote the Wikipedia article:

The fight causes a tidal wave that destroys the entire Panama Canal as both creatures continue to bite each other.

It’s important to note that they continue to bite each other.

In a display of its time management prowess, between the fighting and swimming around, the Crocosaurus managed to lay tons of eggs all along the coasts of the United States. They say that women are better multi-taskers than men, but before this movie, I didn’t believe it. Way to prove me wrong, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Do you hear that? I think it’s the sound of us growing. Together.

Finally, someone got tired of writing this script and decided that Urkel should use that hydro-sonic sphere technology he’s been muttering about the whole movie to lure Crocosaurus, the hundreds (thousands!?) of baby Crocosaurus, and Mega Shark into an underwater volcano. See, that’s how you solve a problem: using underwater volcanoes.

Our heroes ride into the sunset, the credits roll, but here’s a pro-tip. Stick around after the credits. Sounds like there might be a problem with a giant lizard in Japan… *cue guitar solos*.

I don’t know what more to say about this movie other than this: See it. That deserves a couple of caveats. If you like Urkel, see it. If you like sharks, see it. If you like crocodiles and sharks, see it. If you don’t like crocodiles and sharks, see it (they die at the end, after all). If you do or do not like movies, see it.

It’s on Netflix Instant right now, so log in and watch it. Here’s a link to your login screen.

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