Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure


Posted by David on July 7th, 2011

Rubber meets the road, then explodes some heads.

There are many questions to be asked about a sentient, psychopathic tire with telekinetic powers, but right from the start, it’s made very clear by a strange Sheriff that Rubber is not a story about asking questions. It’s a story about a tire who blows shit up.

We begin with a nerd. He stands in the desert, apparently alone, holding two handfuls of binoculars. Nearby is a bunch of chairs, soon revealed to be extraordinarily shoddy, as a car approaches and slowly knocks them down one by one, completely dismantling them. The aforementioned strange Sherriff emerges from the trunk – yes, the trunk - of said car, gets a glass of water, and delivers a stupid speech. I can’t remember what he said because it was incredibly stupid. Like, reeeaaaally stupid.

The sheriff leaves after dumping out his water and climbing back into the trunk, while the nerd passes out binoculars to a bunch of assholes standing around in the desert. They’re sad the chairs fell down, but they’re obviously morons because those chairs would’ve just fallen apart. They watched them fall apart. So did I. Those chairs were of inferior quality.

So this gaggle of morons starts looking over the desert at a radial tire. After struggling a bit, the tire gets up and goes rolling off on its own accord. For the sake of clarity, I’ll say it again: yes, Rubber is about a sentient tire making people and things explode. No, you don’t get to ask why.

The tire meanders along for a bit and crushes a plastic bottle. He crushes it again and again. This begins the unbeginning; he’s developed a taste for destruction. As the dumbasses in the desert watch, he crushes a scorpion. Finally, with an odd vibration of concentration (do tires concentrate?) he makes a rabbit explode. Great, now he also has a taste for blood.

So he continues to wander, they continue to watch, he continues to violently explode animals. Such is life in the world of creepy sentient tires. Animals explode and folks hang out in the desert for no reason whatsoever. Break out your finger guns, douche bags, party all night.

These people ask questions for the audiences, from what I can tell, and gratuitously break the fourth wall in some pretentious effort to make a commentary on the senselessness of what we’re all embroiled in watching. Fortunately, for this cadre of sunburned idiots, all but one gets poisoned 30 minutes in. The rest of us have to agonize for another 55 minutes.

Soon, our rubbery hero gets obsessed about some girl and moves on to blowing up people’s heads. After that, it’s not long before the strange Sheriff shows up again to talk about the ridiculousness of it all. He then demands to be shot several times before being shot several times to no effect.

The reason he wanted to be shot, apparently, is that he was trying to prove that none of it mattered because he thought all of the members of the desert audience were dead. Well, he’s wrong, because one of them refused to eat from a poisoned turkey that the binocular-carrying nerd fed to them after leaving them in the desert overnight! HA HA! Confused? Yeah. It’s like this the whole goddamned movie. I’m just glad that soon after this, the idiot nerd dies after eating food he himself poisoned.

Anyways, the thing boils down to a senseless “stand-off” where the Sheriff and the girl sit in a van trying to goad the tire into blowing up a mannequin which is rigged to explode if the tire blows its head up. Eventually, the tire does just this, but the mannequin doesn’t explode as planned, so the Sheriff unceremoniously shoots the tire with a shotgun. Why this couldn’t have happened 30 minutes earlier, I have absolutely no idea.

If that wasn’t enough bullshit to make you brown-eyed, the tire gets reincarnated as a tricycle, and recruits other tires to roll to Hollywood, where the movie ends.

Now, usually I try to write redeeming qualities about these piece of shit movies I love so much, but this one just kicked me square in the nuts. I was so excited to watch this (Asif can attest) because, I mean, what could be better? A sentient tire blows up peoples heads! Hilarity is bound to ensue.

And while that concept itself is entertaining, the whole thing was a pretentious crapshow from start to finish. Filmmakers: don’t try to make a point about the pointlessness of movies. I get it, it’s supposed to be a joke, but Rubber is so painfully delivered and full of itself that it ruins any promise of fun that it ever had. I guess that’s what I get for watching a bad movie that is also made by the French: a whole lot of pretentious horseshit and not a lot of fun.

If you have any desire to watch Rubber, go hit yourself over the head with a radial tire until you reconsider.

3 Responses to Rubber

  1. You know, I saw that this was on Netflix Instant and remembered the trailer from a while back.

    I may sit on it until I need some sort of palette cleanser.

    Assholes in the Desert? Now that’s a movie I’d watch.

    • If your palate doesn’t generally taste like crap, this isn’t going to be much in the way of an improvement.

      Seriously, I love bad movies, but this one hurt my head and/or feelings.

      • Well in that case I’ll save it for an immensely boring rainy day when it just so happens the only thing I can stream on Instant Watch is this movie.

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