Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Posted by David on June 29th, 2011

A shark surfaces with terror in tow.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is about, not surprisingly, a shark. But it’s not like most movies with sharks you’re used to. In my memory, most movies want you to root for the people who the shark is trying to eat, but Shark Attack 3: Megalodon makes you root for the shark. Why? Because everyone in Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is a jackass.

I mean that in the best way. This rampant jackassery transforms a story about a bunch of people united by a crippling fear of stock shark footage into a silly good time for the whole family. Except for the kids. This movie has healthy scoop of tits and blood.

After a diver gets mercilessly assaulted by some moving pictures of sharks, we meet Ben Carpenter, our douchey hero. Let’s get right down to it, this guy is the biggest jackass who’s ever graced a marina in sunny Mexico.

Ben, working as some kind of boat-based security guard, promptly convinces his Hispanic stereotype of a partner to skip out on work to go diving for lobster (because that’s how you catch lobsters). Diving down to catch his dinner, Ben discovers a shark tooth wedged in some stupid ocean cable. This sets forth a series of events that will change his life forever, but mostly get a bunch of people eaten by sharks.

He shouts his stupid words at the security firm he works for and yells, “Shit! Ah, Shit!” a bunch when he sees some shark footage. Perhaps it’s the tone of his yelling, or the smirk on his face, but no one seems to give a crap about sharks or his stupid face. As a result, people die, all while the shark makes terrifying noises, like “OM NOM NOM” and “RAAAWRRRGRBRLBRBRL”.

If shark attacks really sound like this, I’m never going into the ocean again.

Finally, Ben’s had enough of his jerk-ass security firm and their “don’t worry, sharks are like, whatever, man” attitude. He goes rogue. He gathers some moxie, a blonde shark scientist he met earlier named Cat Stone, and her camera crew. Together they head out to sea—and adventure!

Our noble crew tracks and encounters the mighty beast. It smashes into their boat, like that scene out of JAWS, but with jackasses instead of people. The boat is taking on water, so Cat, in her infinite scientific wisdom, gets a shotgun. As the adorable beast crashes through the hull of the ship, Cat drops her shotgun like some kind of idiot, leaving Ben to fail around and yell, “AH, SHIT!” at the shark. With the shark distracted by jackass, Cat regains her composure and makes some shark brain gravy, shotgun style.

The boat capsizes, leaving our heroes saying things like, “Son of a bitch!” and “AH SHIT! SHIIIT!” about a billion times. It’s then that the truth is discovered! This shark was just a baby, the real megalodon is the mother, and she’s pissed. She shows this by swallowing Ben’s stereotype of a partner, not unlike like a duck choking down bread.

Our heroes escape (minus the now-dead camera crew) with a well-timed helicopter rescue. They meet up with some old, salty dog of a Navy guy named Chuck Rampart and decide to paint the town red—with this poor shark’s guts. Where did Chuck come from? Who the hell knows or cares? He hates sharks.

Chuck, being the guy he is, decides the only way to finish a giant shark is with a giant explosion. Mr. Michael Bay, you have a kindred spirit.

With the plan set, they resolve to meet up bright and early the next morning. But not before this happens:

I’m not sure any person in history has made a woman go from vague survival acquaintance to full-on bone-buddy in such a short time frame with such an odd, poorly executed maneuver. Ben Carpenter, the world is yours.

After awkwardly making out and getting their solid 8 hours of sleep, they awake in the morning to hatch a diabolical, shark murdering plan that involves a submarine, a helicopter, and a whole lot of torpedo. Soon, the plan goes horribly awry because there’s a yacht full of evil executives, some of which were important to the plot, but I’ve glossed over them because they weren’t in scenes with sharks.

And so, a bunch of people in tuxedoes jump off of the boat after the Megalodon rams it a bunch, as Megalodons do. The Megalodon eats a life raft full of people and a guy on a jet ski. Take a look:

Inexplicably, Ben’s plans get even further interrupted by Cat being unable to attach a tracking transmitter to the shark and Chuck being unable to do the same, after evacuating the submarine. With the weight of a very large shark weighing on his shoulders, Ben hatches a plan (Plan F?) to be done with the Megalodon once and forever.

Using the cunning one only learns in Marina Security Training, Ben targets the torpedo at the sub he’s in, then gets the shark to attack his sub. With time ticking down, Ben (unfortunately) escapes the sub and leaves the Megalodon to die a sad, explosion-laden death.

Jackasses triumphant and momma shark dead, Ben makes some terrible jokes, “Megalo-who??” and rides into the sunset, hopefully to die by the mouth of another shark some day.

Did I enjoy Shark Attack 3: Megalodon? In some senses, yes. It was outrageous, stupid, and overall ridiculous: the best qualities in a good/bad movie. In other senses, it made me cringe so hard, I’ll be walking like a hunchback for a couple of days.

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