Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

The Future is Now

Posted by David on September 9th, 2011

It's just and verdant to want to sex a shoe, right?

Indulge me for a moment and take a leisurely stroll to a more innocent time when our vision of the future was only limited to whatever Robert Zemeckis told us. Walk with me, if you will, back to the sunny year of 1989. I was a skinny, bright-eyed 8 year old when Back to the Future Part II hit the theaters, but the message it delivered so clearly was this: So long as Biff didn’t fuck everything up, we were going to have hover boards and awesome, self-tying shoes.

Things have changed, and that skinny little scamp has developed a beer gut, and the bright eyes have gone steely with cynicism and the crushing reality of the world, but one thing has never changed: I have always believed in Marty McFly. Finally, like some sort of beacon shining in the sky, like a reward from once forsaken gods, Nike has lived up to the promise they made to kids all over the world some 21 years ago, and they’ve announced that they’re releasing the 2011 Nike Mag, Marty McFly’s self-tying shoes.

Sure, Mattel has been slacking in the hover board department, and we may not have self-drying clothes, but I’ll be goddamned if we’re not getting auto-tying shoes.

WOOOOOO! We live in the future! USA! USA!

Let’s get back to the hard reality that is the future/present for a moment, if we can. Based on demand I’ll tell you one thing right now: these things are going to be fucking impossible to get. We’ve been waiting over 20 years for this moment. Imagine the iPhone 5 dispensed blowjobs and 99.1%, Breaking Bad, Walter White grade meth. Now imagine the iPhone 5 was a self-tying shoe, and you’ll know exactly how unobtainable these goddamned future shoes will be.

Regardless, you’re looking at one cold-eyed, cynical bastard who squeeled with glee and busted out his credit card today ready to—wait what? They’re not available yet, there’s only going to be 1,500 of them and they’re going to be auctioned off on eBay? Yeah… so I knew they’d be impossible to find, but not 1500 being made, period impossible to find.

Thanks, Nike. You got my inner child to come out of hiding just long enough to give him a wedgie.

[Source: The Associate Press]

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