Posted by David on June 3rd, 2011
Titanic II is less a movie and more a series of lessons. Among those lessons, don’t make a boat and then name it Titanic II, always stress-test your engines and don’t intentionally drown. Truly, strange lessons for a strange time.
It’s clear from the outset that the owner of Titanic II, Hayden Walsh, only picked the name to get some publicity for his shiny, new vessel. What he got instead was a pile of bad luck and a crap-ton of natural disasters. Not only does Titanic II get hit by an iceberg, it gets hit by an iceberg thrown by a goddamned tsunami. At some point after the ship got hit, some jackass patron shouts at Hayden, “This is all your fault!” No, jackass patron. This is your fault. Hayden Walsh was trying to make a buck by naming a ship, you were the moron who decided to pay money to set foot on the Titanic II. Tell me, jackass, who comes out ahead here? That’s right, the guy who just made $695 on your Carnival Cruise to Doom Island.
Sure, there were warning signs, and they didn’t stress test the boat’s engines, but at the end of it all, it wouldn’t have mattered. The ocean was hurling icebergs from tsunamis. Oh, I didn’t mention, the tsunamis were also created by icebergs. This sort of circular logic leads to one thing: Titanic II at the bottom of the fucking ocean.
After the first wave of chaos leaves the boat’s turbines crushed, half of the boat explodes. I know there are supposed to be safety precautions to prevent this sort of thing, but who could ever think that a tsunami is going to launch an iceberg at anything? Nobody except some insane Bond super-villain.
As though things couldn’t get any worse, things get so, so much worse. Titanic II is stranded in the water, she’s slowly sinking, and wouldn’t you know it? An even larger iceberg creates an even larger tsunami. Up until this point, everyone had been piling on to these submarine-like life rafts, but they’re about to become death rafts because this giant wave is going to wipe everything (except for the Titanic II) off of the map.
The Titanic II capsizes completely, leaving only two survivors. Don’t expect a creepily romantic scene where someone gently drifts into the water freezing out of this. Ultimately, Hayden Walsh saves his estranged girlfriend by giving up the only insulated wetsuit on the ship, and claims that he has a better chance if he drowns in the cold water because sometimes hypothermia puts people into a kind of stasis. I would’ve called a doctor to verify how often this happens, but I don’t have to because it’s that amazingly stupid. To the kids in the audience: Don’t intentionally die.
One could place blame on the engineers for the disaster that struck Titanic II, but no engineer on the planet could account for a tsunami flinging an iceberg at a vessel, followed by an explosion and another tsunami. That’s like blaming engineers for what happened at the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Truly, it’s a wonder either held together.
All in all, Titanic II was fun to watch, if only to see what horrible crap can happen on the off chance a ship gets hit be the craziest set of circumstances ever.
As a film, it owes its success to one man, Bruce Davidson.
This one man carried the entire movie on his shoulders like some sort of cinematic Atlas. Scenes alternated between barely believable and entirely compelling. The man is an amazing actor. I don’t know what they paid him for Titanic II, but it wasn’t enough.
He did all he could to steer the good ship Titanic II to safe harbor, only to watch it sink to the bottom of the ocean after being hit by wave after wave of bad acting. Also, actual waves.