Thick Moustache: Gentlemanly Studies on Modern Leisure

TV is Murdering You and Your Family

Posted by David on August 17th, 2011

TV will kill you as fast sitting around or not moving.

According to Ryan Jaslow, referencing a study published by the British Journal of Sports Medicine, watching television shortens life by 22 minutes per viewing hour. You know what else shortens your life by roughly 27.2%? Being a stupid ass hat like Ryan Jaslow.

While the study does seem to indicate a link between prolonged watching of television and reduced lifespan, what it specifically says is the following:

Prolonged television (TV) viewing time is unfavourably associated with mortality outcomes, particularly for cardiovascular disease, but the impact on life expectancy has not been quantified. The authors estimate the extent to which TV viewing time reduces life expectancy in Australia, 2008.

The emphasis I added seems to have been left out of both Ryan’s and the study author’s conclusions. Regardless, Jaslow goes on,

Compared with adults who watch no TV, Australians who spend a lifetime average of 6 hours per day in front of the tube “can expect to live 4.8 years less,” the authors wrote.

First, nobody cares about Australians. This is America. Most of us spend a lifetime average of 12 hours per day watching TV. I never thought I’d say it, Australia, but you guys are looking like total pussies. And this is coming from a dude who grew up idolizing this guy:

That smile could charm the pants off a bear. Or make an ox fall over.

Second, clearly Ryan doesn’t know the first thing about cross-linking, because if he did, he’d just point readers to his other article, which tells readers:

The scientists said the adults who exercised just 15 minutes a day – or 90 minutes a week – extended their life expectancy by three years…

So if you exercise a total of 90 minutes a week, go ahead and watch as much TV as you damn well please. Hell, exercise 120 minutes and watch even more. Go nuts. The real results of the study show that if you’re an unrepentant fat ass, you’re not going to live as long as someone who isn’t. And even then, fit people like to run around a lot, increasing their odds of being hit by a big fat guy driving a bus.

Until any of these studies are validated by actual scientists, all you have is Ryan Jaslow trolling unverified studies, struggling to find something to write, and probably masturbating whilst demonizing our beloved television. Television! Who has given us (selflessly, I might add) millions of hours of entertainment!

Say what you want with your stupid face and your spiteful jowls, Ryan Jaslow, the only thing making anyone drop dead any earlier from watching TV is them eating like shit and being big, lazy fat asses—which reminds me…

Ryan Jaslow: Health Food Blogger, Asshat

Enjoy your egg (and fat) rolls, Ryan.

[Source: CBS News]

2 Responses to TV is Murdering You and Your Family

  1. Well you’re just a troll with a domain name.
    Congrats!

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